Survival In The Black

Dear Diary

2010-04-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy.

Dear Diary,

Life is a wondrous and crazy thing isn't it? Just when you were at your lowest and you thought it couldn't get any better, it does. It surprises the hell out of you and decides to make a big fat liar out of your beliefs.

Its been wonderful for me lately. I opened a shop on a new world. Business has been good. I stopped practicing medicine. I have met someone amazing who makes my heart skip a beat every time he looks at me. And I have the bestest friends anyone could ever have.

I have learned to trust again. And I have made a great life for myself. Sure, I miss my old friends. But it comes down to what is right for me. I am far away from Reavers... in fact, I havnt seen or heard reavers since I came here. Im happy.

Bel

Merry Christmas My Firefly Friends

2009-12-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

Out of the black, a familiar face appears. A lot more scars from battles, and being wrestled to the ground by the Fates and various other dieties that seem to want something to do with her. Yet her spirit and soul are intact. Odd that with as much that as happened to her they seem to be the only things unscarred.

The life she now leads brings her a joy she couldnt fathom. A brother who sees her whenever she feels the most invisible. Singing the song about sunshine and gray skies. Always laughing at her lame jokes and never once making her feel less important than anyone else. He said she needed an ego. An ego as big as the verse. Seems she didnt have much of one. And that made him sad. And she would do anything for her Rockstar. So an ego she got. Shiny and new and even though its new born, she can feel it getting stronger with each day.

And she gained a sister, so dear and amazing. She lights up the room. Her Rockstar and her making her Sissy laugh, every day better than the last. Always there with a hug and always there for a shoulder. She never feels as though she has to bottle it in. She trusts her sister and brother far more than she trusts herself even.

She has regained things since being with her new family. Writing has become easier, words from pen flowing like streams down a mountain. Easily flowing onto paper and bringing happiness and smiles from those she loves.

Yet in her mind she still wishes for the closeness of her past life family. Wishing to embrace her ninja sister and wonderful mechanic sister. To fuzzle the hair of a certain urchin. To giggle and dance with her bar owning kitty sister.

But she knew she chose this. Wanted this. Had to have this. Because she was slowly being poisoned. Day by day she was living each minute wondering why she was still around. So it was time to go. Time to live a new life.

Time to live.

When The Time Comes To Say Goodbye...

2009-08-02T17:35:00.001-07:00

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much the same
'Cause this is just a game

- Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds To Mars

Bel shut off the cortex, feeling better after talking to Sea and Sabrina. She sat back in her chair and looked out the window at the busy world outside and she contemplated everything that led up to this moment. Everything from the moment of her father’s death to the minute she left Hale’s Moon. Every second moving in her head like a movie on flash forward. The emotions she was expecting to feel never came and she smiled, knowing that she was finally content and happy where she was.

She had gotten a cortex letter from Xaviar the night before. Bridgette and himself finally tied the knot and not only that, they found out Bridge was four months pregnant. The Captain and the crew of the Golden Dawn were finally coming into their own. Making a legit business deal with a few traders on some moons and planets transporting goods from one post to another. Not the highest paying job, but its legit and less dangerous. Especially since Bridge was expecting.

She could hear Taia and Jonas playing upstairs, the young mother spending more and more time with a local market man down in the shopping district. The young man knowing the details of Taia’s husband’s horrid death, and willing to go as slow as it takes. Jack, the young man, adored Jonas and Bel could tell he adored Taia just as much.

Walter, a few days before, proposed to Sarah. It sounded more like a business proposition and less romantic than it should. But to know Walter would know that it was the most beautiful business proposition he could muster up. Sarah said yes, of course, and they plan on a winter wedding. Bel as maid of honor and Taia as a bridesmaid. Sarah had been pouring over everything like a giddy young girl. Taia asked her if it was okay for a Shepherd to get married, and Sarah said yes, cause even Shepherds need family.

Her reverie was cut short by the buzzing at the door, her head turning slightly to look into the house while she took a sip of tea, letting the taste of tea, sugar and cream fill her while she listened to Sarah answer the door, the familiar voice of Alex Miraconi filling the room.

“Is Bel Carver here?” Sarah answered him by saying that Bel was on the balcony. The sound of heavy footsteps moved closer until Alex sat down at the table next to her. She glanced up as she took a sip of tea and smiled at him before she spoke.

“Im glad you could make it on short notice, Alex.”

He smiled at her, noting that she used his first name. “Well, when you call, I must answer.” His smile was roguish and alluring and Bel couldn’t help chuckle at the man while she sipped her tea. When she finished she set the cup down and looked at him. “I assume you have your answer on whether you are going to join us. I have been waiting with bated breath.”

Bel looked around before looking back at Alex and nodding her head. “I have my answer. But I must require some things before accepting.” She saw the look in his eyes and how he figured she would say yes. “Any news of Xaviar is to keep from the Alliance. He is married with a child now and I will not let him be harmed.” Alex nodded in agreement before Bel started on. “I can leave at any time. For any reason.” He looked a little more pained at this before he nodded. “And last, as the medic on your ship, I have final say on how I handle my decisions.”

“You seem to have a lot of conditions to this, Bel. But we agree to these conditions. Only because we want you on.” He shoved himself from the table and stood up. “Welcome to the Order, Belize Carver.”

The End…

And that is the end of Bel’s story. It wasn’t an easy decision. But since I am no longer playing Bel on the Firefly sims there was no reason to keep her story going. Thank you for my dearest friends who encouraged me and stood by me through all this. And always remember that emotions are not a bad thing. Never let one person tell you that what you are feeling is wrong. With that, my time on Firefly was not only fun but a great learning experience but I feel that I will not do anymore Roleplaying on Second Life. Thank you all and I leave you with this quote from George Washington…

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

The Offer

2009-07-22T16:00:00.001-07:00

“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.”
- T.E. LAWRENCE

Bel tightened the sash of her jacket after she stepped out of the truck, her eyes moving around before settling on a man sitting alone on a bench. He fit the description. Black hair, scary looking, dressed in black. She took a deep breath and glanced at Walter, he nodded and stayed at the car while she walked over, her boots stomping lightly in the puddles of the street before she finally turned and sat down on the bench next to the man.

A few minutes went by before she spoke, her head turned to watch him out of the corner of her eye. “Mr. Miraconi?”

“Miss Belize Carver. Daughter of Jonas and Geneva Carver. At last we meet.” His voice was soft and silky and it made Bel’s muscles tense and ache as she sat there, wondering how this man knew of her. “You have been difficult to get a handle on, Miss Carver. I trust you wont be using that on me today?”

Bel looked down at her hand, the booster gun already in hand. Her finger on the trigger, hand shaking and making the dark green goo in the syringe wiggle and shake with the vibration. She knew her face showed calm even though her mind was tense with awareness.

She pulled the gun away and put it in her pocket before pulling out her hand; she could sense the man’s eyes watching her. She glanced back up at him and took a good look at him. Brown eyes, black hair with touches of white at the temples and peppered along the short military cut. He looked harmless. But Bel had been deceived before and she leaned back to look at him fully. “What do you want with me, Mr. Miraconi? If its money, Im afraid it wont be easy.” Her arms crossed and she saw him smile bemusedly at her.

“No, not money. I want you to work with us. I know your distaste of the Alliance. But we aren’t exactly Alliance. We sort of work with them.” He must of noticed the look on her face before continuing. “You wont be working for the Alliance. That we can assure you right now. You will be working with the Alliance.”

“Mr. Miraconi…” She started before being interrupted.

“Call me Alex, Miss Carver.”

Bel looked at him and didn’t offer him to use her first name, that fact noted as she continued on and he smiled a bit roguishly.

“Mr. Miraconi. Trust me when I say that I can make one cortex call and find out about you and what… organization you are working for.”

He chuckled and looked over his shoulder before leaning in a bit and smiling. “I know all about her. Who do you think pointed me your way?”

Bel’s eyes widened and her cool and calm look fell as she stared at him in surprise. “Really?” Her mind scrambled and she controlled her look. “So you know about…”

“Your cousin not being dead, how you took care of one Otis Miley and a Sergeant Lewis Armstrong. We know of a lot of things, Belize.” She was too surprised to notice he didn’t say Miss Carver.

“How?” She finally stammered after a few minutes of silence.

“Its what we do, Belize. We find out everything there is to know about a person we want to recruit. I know that you are the best damned doctor in the verse and you are basically self taught.”

Bel huffed and shook her head. “I am not the best damned doctor in the verse. Im mediocre at best. Im a spaghetti doctor. Work with what I have around me. And I am not even a doctor.”

“You can be.”

Bel’s eyes widened for the second time and then she narrowed her eyes. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You will come with us on… missions as medical help.” He stood up and smiled before handing Bel a card. She grasped it with her fingers and turned it to look at it. The only thing printed on the small card of white was a cortex number.

It took her completely by surprise when he leaned in and smiled at her. “There is something else we know as well.” He leaned in closer and Bel could smell the soft scent of soap and shampoo and something minty and clean from him as he whispered in her ear, the fan of his breath making her hair wiggle against her ear.

Bel gasped at the words and her mind exploded in knowledge as she tried to process it. The words were heard, but it just didn’t sink in as he straightened up and smiled down at her. She must of looked shocked because he nodded, his features softening as he looked down at her. “Call us, Belize Carver. We need you as much as you need us. Especially now that you lost your home.”

With a turn, he walked away, slipping into the shadows as Bel sat there at the bench, the card between her fingers while she looked out over at some random things. Not really focusing. Her mind processing the knowledge, the idea.

She must have been sitting there for awhile because Walter finally walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. She tore her gaze from the card in her fingers and looked up at him with a blank look before she blinked and smiled at him. “Are you okay, Miss Bel?”

Bel nodded as she stood up and slipped the card into her pocket before looking at Walter. “I… have some things to think about.” She took a deep breath as she walked slowly to the car. She didn’t know what to think of the events that transpired. Instead, she slipped into the car and sat back as Walter walked around and climbed in beside her.

She had already made up her mind. She was not returning to Hale’s. She was no longer needed and she knew it was time to move on. Maybe this was the best thing to happen. She pulled the card from her pocket and looked at it, rubbing her thumb across the digits in black while she mentally tossed the coin in her head again.

The Hardest Decision

2009-07-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder without any such gift from the fairies, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.
- Rachel Carson

Bel sat on the balcony and watched the comings and goings of the street below, the cup of tea cooling in front of her as well as the singular muffin on a plate. The sights and sounds so familiar as she remembers not too long ago she was in this same spot, watching the world go by. She was even wearing the same robe that Grei had given her, the kimono style silk robe colorful in its pattern.

The only difference was the small child cradled in her arms. Jonas nestled his little nose against her shoulder and huffed his cute little baby breaths while Bel watched the world rotate around them. She thought about everything that was going on, how she had contacted the man who was seeking her. This Alexander Miraconi. Bel cradled Jonas to her and then began to speak.

“Sometimes the world isn’t how you expect it to be, Jonas. Sometimes the people you care for the most doesn’t care about you at all. Sometimes they pretend and hurt you in ways that you don’t know if you will ever recover from. And sometimes there are people who are just plain… cruel.” She absently caressed over his soft hair while she watched people walk back and forth on the street.

“But sometimes you find that special person. Or people, that make you feel like you can accomplish anything. Their presence in a room makes you think that your whole world will straighten and finally move in the right direction. That you trust them with your whole heart. That without even realizing it, they become your family.”

She looked down at Jonas and caressed over his hair while she smiled. “Your Aunts Seana and Sabrina were that to me. They became my sisters of my heart, more blood than any blood sister could be. I would die for them, Jonas. I would sacrifice everything of myself to make sure they were happy.” She smiled. “When you find a connection that pure, that strong, stay with it.”

She looked back out at the street and smiled while she rocked Jonas in her arms. “And you will be a very well taken care little boy. Everything you want. Your Auntie Sarah and Uncle Walter will make sure you are always taken care of. And your momma… she will never have to worry about reavers or mutants again. And I will make sure you know how to get a hold of your Aunties Seana and Sabrina.”

“You act as though you wont survive the week, my child.” The voice was lyrical and sweet and motherly. A voice that made Bel smile and caress over Jonas’ hair again before letting him be lifted from her arms by Sarah and then settled down into a cradle nearby. Bel took a sip from her lukewarm tea as the older woman sat down. “What is wrong, Bel? You have been quiet and melancholy since you came home.”

Bel looked over her teacup and looked at the older woman who she had considered her second mother. No one can replace her mother. And she had always wished she knew her mother. But she wouldn’t. And she was glad she had Sarah for her maternal advice giver. She surveyed the older woman for awhile while she idly sipped her tea. Sarah knew that when Bel was quiet, she was thinking. The wheels in her head trying to sort through her thoughts.

Bel set her teacup down and looked up at Sarah before speaking seriously. “Im thinking of joining the Alliance.”

Sarah nearly dropped her own teacup, the startled look on her face turning into her voice cracking when she exclaimed. “What!? Are you out of your mind, child? Didn’t you always tell me that you would rather be dead than join them?”

Bel nodded a couple times before speaking. “I did. But… I want to be a doctor, Sarah. I want to be a doctor and the only way I can do that is to join the Alliance and go through the training. It’s the only logical suggestion. And I can help people. I can do my job with the Alliance, leave and go and help others. There is no other choice. No other choice for me.”

She rested back against the chair and sighed. “I don’t know what else to do. I actually had someone refuse treatment because I wasn’t a real doctor. I don’t have a fancy degree. I don’t have the education they have. Everything I learned, I learned on my own and from Father. Now it’s time to get that degree. I don’t want people dying just because Im not a doctor. Just because I don’t have that degree.”

Sarah had set her cup down and was staring at Bel with a mixture of surprise and sympathy before she slowly nodded at the younger girl. “I understand, Bel. I hope you know what you are doing.”

She shrugged as she looked out onto the city and sighed. “I don’t know what I am doing. But its something I have to do, Sarah.”

She silently hoped it was the right thing to do. Her gaze moving to the sleeping child and smiling softly. She sure as hell hoped it was the right thing.

Stepping Out Into A New Situation

2009-07-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

I walk through life with my conscience clear. I have done no wrong that deserves conviction. Yet here I stand, convicted on heresy, my life in your hands and in your own tainted conscience. And at night, when I sleep peacefully, without regret, I will not think of you. But of those souls who have lifted me up, instead of destroying what friendship there could have been. ~ Elizabeth Monroe

Bel stepped off the ship, a man from the ship carrying hers and Taia’s back while Bel snuggled the sleeping Jonas across her chest. Taia followed behind and looked around in wonder at all the lights and sounds and sights that awaited her at the night strewn Persephone. It was all old news to Bel, having stayed quite awhile on the planet while she took care of business.

As Taia looked around at the new sights and sounds, Bel’s gaze was looking on the stretch car and driver sitting not far from her. His cap under his arm while he watched the people file off the large passenger ship, The Lincoln. She inwardly groaned and sighed as Walter stepped out of the car and smiled at her.

“Miss Belize! Welcome back to Persephone.” He walked up and kissed Bel on the cheek before caressing his hand over Jonas’ sleeping head. “And Little Jonas. Sarah will be tickled to have a baby in the house.”

Bel chuckled softly as she stopped, Taia moving up beside her and smiling at the older gentleman as she spoke. “At this rate, I will never see my son.” She took Jonas from Bel and nodded toward the car. “Is this our ride to your house?” She waited for Walter to nod before she smiled. “I will get the bags and Jonas in the car.” She smiles at Bel before moving off out of hearing range.

Walter looked after the younger girl and smiled before looking back at Bel, his smile faltering a bit before he sighed. “Sorry about the car, Miss Belize. Sarah took the jeep. It was the only car left.” He looked genuinely sorry and Bel shook her head before smiling.

“Its quite alright, Walter. I will see about getting another car.” She walked slowly with him as she spoke. “Has he returned?”

Walter knew what she was talking about and nodded his head. “He returned today. Asking if I had heard from you. I told him what you told me. That you will arrive here soon and to give you a couple days to rest from the trip before setting up a meeting. He left a way to contact him when you want to.”

“Did you get his name?”

“Yes, Miss Belize. Its Alexander Miraconi.”

Bel pulled out her cortex and tapped the name into a message before sending it. A couple of days should be enough time to find out what she needed to know. Knowing a few people on the black market had its advantages. Especially the ones that had ways of finding out things others don’t want you to know.

After the message was sent, Bel reached the car and looked at Walter. “There is something I must tell you, Walter. And I beseech you to never tell a soul. Because if you do, you will put many lives in danger.”

Walter nodded as the driver opened the door for Bel and the lawyer, his ruffled blond hair making him look younger than he probably was. She nodded to the driver before slipping inside, Taia already sitting down with Jonas curled against her side.

The drive to the house was informative. Bel told the story of her cousin, Xaviar and how he was still alive. Out in the Black on a ship that will not be named. He was happy and content and she planned on keeping it that way. She was willing to shoulder everything to keep those around her happy and content. Whether it be her cousin, her tribe, Seana and Sabrina and her other friends. Walter didn’t seem surprised. But he was surprised on how much Bel put on. He furrowed his brows in concern and even voiced that concern that Bel was going to kill herself with all this. Bel shook her head and shrugged, not saying anything, instead looking out the window at the passing scenery.

When they arrived at the house, she saw the jeep parked in the drive and she looked over at Walter, a smile on his face that reminded her of the smiles she sees between Sea and Sabs. Her own lips curled into a small smile as the car turned to park. The driver opened the door and everyone stepped out, Bel smiling as Sarah opened the door. Her long gray hair gone, instead it was replaced with a short coifed hairdo that seemed to enhance her features with their caramel brown locks. She looked 20 years younger.

“Sarah! You are looking amazing.” She wrapped her arms around the older woman and she kissed her on the cheek before whispering into her ear. “Im glad to see you so happy, Sarah.”

The older woman blushed and smiled as she looked past everyone to Walter, her arms wrapped around Bel in a hug that threatened to break a few of her ribs. When Sarah spotted the sleeping baby she let Bel go and walked over to coo at the sleeping child, caressing her fingers over the black curls while she smiled at Taia. “You must be Taia. Blessed child, Aunt Sarah will take care you both. You wont have to worry about a thing.”

Bel chuckled and smiled at Taia as she nodded. “Sarah is a Shepherd. Its in her blood to take care of others.” She grinned as she remembered another reunion and she grimaced a bit before smiling again. The grimace didn’t escape Sarah and she quirked a brow to the younger woman before smiling at Taia and hustling the young mother into the house.

Bel knew she will be having long talks with the woman she considered her second mother. But not tonight. Tonight was meant for sleeping. The past few days have been tiring and she needed to relax before going onto her next step.

Home is always moving...

2009-07-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

Bel looked at the cortex message and hummed while she read over the words. She frowned slightly before shrugging her shoulders and shutting down the machine. She tossed it onto the bed and continued to pack her bag.

Seems about right. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Just wish he would have had the guts to tell me to my face. All fine and dandy with an armada behind him. But scared to face a woman. BUN tyen-shung duh ee-DWAY-RO.

She took a deep breath as she turned to look at Taia and Jonas, the two looking out the window while Taia sang softly to the small child. She then took a look around the room and sighed.

“Are you about ready, Sayasi?” Bel closed up the bag and latched it closed before picking up the bag and pulling it over her shoulder. It was fairly heavy. But nothing Bel was used to.

Taia smiled as she looked over her shoulder and nodded to Bel before picking up the smaller bag. “All ready to go, Bel. How long will we be gone?”

Bel thought about the other letter. From Walter and she shook her head. “Don’t know, Taia. As long as it takes, I suppose. Could be a month or two. Maybe longer.”

The message from Walter spooked her. He asked for Xaviar first. As if he knew that her cousin was alive. But she knew that not many people knew he was alive. And she trusted them with her own life.

Taia looked at her as she shifted the cooing infant in her arms while she carried the bag behind Bel. “This will be my first stay in Persephone. I wonder what can be done there.”

“Lots of things, Taia. You will love Sarah and Walter. They helped me through a dark part of my life. Im hoping they can do that again.” She smiled, knowing that this time was not like the last time. At least she didn’t give away her heart. That was neatly locked inside a box next to her mother.

They boarded the rather large ship, Bel passing a large amount of credits to the captain before slipping into a passenger’s quarters.
The room was spacious for quarters. Two beds and a desk. The walls were the same grey as the rest of the ship, but Bel was used to that. She took a deep breath, essentially the last breath of fresh air for awhile. Lot of good that did considering it was stale ship scent. Bodies and sweat and dirt from the cargo nearby.

She plopped down on a bed and dropped her bag at her feet, her body leaning back on her hands while she watched Taia lay Jonas on the bed before doing the same. “So, this is home for awhile?”

“Only until we get to Persephone. After that it’s a beautiful room, with a crib for Jonas and a view that will knock your socks off. I already contacted Walter and Sarah about the arrangements.”

Taia smiled as she sat up before she looked Bel in the eye and quirked a brow. The girl was learning from the older sister way too quickly. Bel laughed and shook her head, knowing full well what Taia was hinting at. She stood up and shut the door, making sure to lock it securely. She pulled out a device from her bag and scanned the room, watching it while she swept the room. It was a great birthday present from Logan. The man does know how to shop for a girl.

When she found the room clean, she put the device back into her bag and sat back down on the bed. She sorted through her thoughts before looking back at Taia and speaking softly.

“You know my cousin, right?” She waited until Taia nodded before continuing. “About a year ago, I faked his death. The month I spent in the black was with him and his wife. He used to be a doctor with the Alliance. One of those tortured souls that realized that what he was doing was wrong. In every sense of the word. Didn’t help that he had to help torture a child to get information from him.” Bel stopped a minute and looked over at Jonas. “No one but a select few know he’s alive. Some suspect. But if they go looking, they are met with brick walls and run around. For all intents and purposes, Xaviar William Kiranov died in a reaver attack on a nearby moon.”

“So, the man on the ship is your cousin and he is supposed to be dead?” Taia watched Bel nod before nodding herself. “Okay... gotcha. What happened to spook you?”

“I got a message from Walter right after the ceremony. A man came looking for Xaviar. Or any descendant of my grandfather’s. Which means me.” Bel looked at Taia and nodded. “So, to get the heat off Xaviar, I am going to make myself available. To find out what this man wants from me and my family.”

Taia nodded slowly before looking at Bel. “What if he’s up to no good?”

“Then… I don’t know. But I have to deal with it the only way I know how. Head on. My family comes first. No matter what.”

Later on that night, as Bel laid down in her bunk to sleep, she found herself staring at the ceiling and thinking about the past few months. How the roller coaster of her life went up and then down before this very moment. How once again she finds herself away from home, the new home she worked for herself and she wondered when she was ever going to be able to just stay in one place.

Some Things Never Go Away...

2009-06-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick

*Ten Years Ago on Blackburne*

Bel kneeled down, the weight of the backpack shifting to the side a bit while she leaned in between two rocks to grab at a shiny green plant. The leaves were tipped in purple and she knew that if she ground it down in her mortar it would make a great pain reliever. She grumbled when her hair fell in front of her face and she swore that she was going to get Nina to cut it. Why she didn’t cut the waist long fiery locks before was beyond her.

She clasped the plant and tugged, ripping it from its home with a triumphant sound of glee before standing up and looking at her prize. Enough to make enough pain reliever for half the village her Sayasi was in.

Perfect.

She put the plant in her hip bag and tilted her head up to let the warm sun beat down on her face and body, the sharp smell of desert air filling her lungs. She could smell everything. The desert plants, the sun, the sand and even some kind of animal. She wrinkled her nose as she coughed. Smelled like something died. She rubbed her nose before reaching back and pulling her long hair into a bun, winding it tight around the base of her neck. She knew to keep her neck covered, but she was close enough to home that it wouldn’t matter much.

She pinned her hair back and stretched before treading over the rocky terrain, her sandals gripping at the rocks while she hiked over the hill. She thought about her dad and what he was planning for dinner. How he warned her to stay close by. He had a concerned look to his face and she knew he looked worried. He never really worried much about her running through the wastes, so when he warned her, she knew there was something to it.

The smell of dead animal got stronger and Bel frowned, curious to know what died so close to home. She will have to tell her dad and they can get rid of the carcass together.

She made her way over the hill and she stopped dead in her tracks, her father was fighting off what looked to be… dead people. She had read about this. Zombies? But these were far more terrifying than any zombie she ever imagined. They screamed and roared and the sounds sent chills of fright through her young body. She froze in terror while her father fought one off, his gaze swinging up to hers and his eyes widened.

“BELIZE! RUN!! RUN!” His words were cut short as one jumped behind him and grabbed either side of her father’s head. His glasses flying off as the monster ripped his head from his body, his body slacking then falling to the ground in a heap, blood pouring from his neck. The other monster dropped its bat and ripped her father’s arm off, bringing the appendage to its mouth and took a bite of it, blood covering its mouth while it tilted its head back and roared in victory.

Bel must of screamed, the sound of pain and despair erupting from her chest at the sight, because both monsters turned their head in her direction. In a second, she turned and ran, ran towards the town she had come upon on a few times. Her chest heaving as she scrambled over rocks. She could feel the tears run down her face, mixing with the dust of the desert. Her fingers gripped at rocks as she climbed and ran, her body starting to ache with the strain.

She could hear them, behind her, screaming and howling, the crunch of rocks beneath their feet as they chased her. She had no time to think. The town so close she could smell it, could hear the sounds of people. The sounds of ships. She screamed. Loud and hard, screaming the same word over and over again while she ran towards the town.

She made the mistake of turning her head to see where they were at and she tripped over a rock. Sending Bel flying through the air and skidding across the rough sand and rocks, her body curling before it stopped abruptly against something. She curled up into a fetal position, her arms curling up over her head while she started to cry.

Then she heard it.

Pop… Pop Pop Pop…

The sound of gunshots. The penetrating sound of bullets hitting flesh invading her mind while she cried, her body shaking in fright and grief and horror.

She could hear his voice. Gentle and rough as it wrapped around her, the feel of his arms curling under her legs and wrapping around her shoulders. She felt him lifting her and she felt her hair loosen and fall down from its prison of a bun. Her eyes opened and she looked up at him, blue eyes brighter by the tears as she resigned herself to think that this thing holding her was one of the monsters. When she looked upon his perfect face, grey eyes and shaggy blonde hair, her world turned to black, fainting in her savior’s arms.

It wasn’t until later, in Sarge’s ship, that she learned what those monsters were.

Reavers.

Chanting and Traditions

2009-06-25T23:54:00.000-07:00

Go your way to the land of the Ancestors,
where they wait for you with open arms,
there on the edge between this world and the next.
See; there they stand.
Ancestral spirits, welcome this one
to the place where we all must go.
- Ceisiwr Serith

Bel stepped out of the hut and took a deep breath, her red hair braided close to her head and the long blue tunic brushing against her knees as she stepped into the sunshine. She blinked a bit but did not cover her eyes as she moved over to the small circle of people surrounding the fire. She turned and nodded to the elder, Grandfather, her eyes closing as she folded her hands and bowed. “Asche.” She spoke softly before turning to his wife, the woman dressed like her, a large gold necklace draped around her shoulders to show her status in the tribe. “Asche che.” She bowed to her before turning to the new head of the fighters. A young man who’s eyes looked older than his years. She smiled at him and nodded before bowing towards him. “Gaunte.” She then turned to look at the young woman at her right and she placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled widely. “Mescha che.” The young woman smiled at her and bowed, her hands clasped as she spoke softly. “Mescha.”

Grandfather tapped his staff on the ground and nodded around the ones around the circle. “We have come to this blessed moon of water and earth by the grace of the goddess of the stars. Forever looking upon us in her infinite support in many ways and many outlets. First we must pay homage to those we have lost.”

He started chatting, his voice taking on a life of its own as it lilted and swayed in emotion. Asche che, or her English name of Anna, tossed herbs into the fire, making it spark and shutter in an almost reaction to Grandfather’s somber chanting. Her voice joining Grandfather’s in a higher and more lyrical chant, a chant of loss. Then Patrick, Gaunte, tossed herbs into the fire, making it spark smoke in reaction. His voice also joining, deep and timber, expressing the emotion of grief for those we lost. Then it was Mescha che, or Olivia, the medicine woman in training under Bel, her hand tossing the yellow herb into the fire, making it turn the color of the sky while her voice intertwined in the chant, expressing hope and healing.

When it was Bel’s turn, she closed her eyes and thought of Nina… of her father… and her mother. And those she lost, the warriors that fought and the civilians she strived to save and she tossed the herbs into the fire, the scent of cinnamon and sage, tickling her senses while she started chatting. Her steady voice expressing compassion to those who are left behind, her eyes staring into the fire while she chanted and sang and thought about her father and Nina and mother and everyone she has lost in death and in life. She watched the fire glow eerily the colors of green and blue with hints of red. She felt her body tense then relax as if every ounce of grief was pulled from her body.

The chanting stopped suddenly with a hit of Grandfather’s staff on the ground and all eyes turned to him. He stared at the fire for what seemed like ages before he finally spoke. “We have lost so much these past years. The home we had was the biggest loss of all. We will always remember Blackburne.” He nodded towards Bel, a smile crossing her lips as he spoke its name, a name he never spoke of the home he has always known.

“Mescha will be leaving us. Not far, she is always with us. Always coming to check on her extended family. In her place she has trained young, Olivia in her place. No longer will Belize be known as Mescha. Today she will be known as Akche. A medicine elder. A mentor to our new Mescha, Olivia.”

Bel bowed to Grandfather and nodded as she spoke. “Kachete, Asche. Thank you, Grandfather. You honor me with your words. I am joyous to hear your praise.”

She turned and smiled as she looked upon the others around the circle before pulling off the large necklace from around her neck. The blue stone shining as it moved with the silver chain. She watched as Olivia bowed her head and Bel placed the necklace around her neck. “Listen, learn and love, Olivia. My parting words can only give you this as solstice. You will see death, but you will see life. You will see heartbreak as well as joy. Learn to embrace all and you will be the best that you can be.” She smiled as she placed her hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “Ulachage, Mescha.”

Grandfather started chatting again, his voice in joy as the ceremony finished. And Bel could feel her heart being tugged toward her new home of Hale’s. The sun going down past the horizon, glad she talked to the other towns around the small valley to let the tiny tribe live in the small paradise.

After the ceremony, Bel found herself surrounded by the rest of the tribe, handshakes and hugs making her laugh. She smiled as she spied Taia and Jonas, grinning happily as the little boy bounced out of his momma’s arms and almost leapt into Bel’s arms and giggled gleefully.

Taia leaned over and smiled at Bel before handing her the cortex. “This has been buzzing all night long. I didn’t check the messages. But I have a feeling I know who they are from.”

Bel laughed and blushed as she handed Jonas back to Taia before taking the cortex to check the messages. She was right. A great majority were from General. But one made her frown and she mmmed at the message.

Walter. He was with Sarah. Bel had given them the house. Who would have thought that Sarah and Walter would hit it off so well? It came to a surprise when Sarah sent her a message about how much Walter was wooing the older Sarah.

But this message wasn’t about Sarah. This was about Xaviar. And how someone came to the door asking about him. Asking if he was still alive, demanding to see him. Demanding to see any descendant of Charles Xaviar Rosewood. Her grandfather. Xaviar’s grandfather.

“Bel? What’s wrong?” Bel quickly sent a reply to Walter and then looked at Taia before shaking her head. “Nothing. Its nothing. Lets join the party.” She shoved the cortex into her bag and took Jonas, bouncing him on her hip as she swayed to the music of flutes and drums. In the back of her mind, wondering what was going on in Persephone.

In war, truth is the first casualty. -Aeschylus

2009-06-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations.
- Winston Churchill

Bel stood in Sea’s office, her arms crossed as she looked at her sister. She was sitting behind the desk, reading over something on the cortex. Her usual zen calm even calming the usually fiery medic. She had called Bel up there on a professional capacity and since it rarely if ever happened, Bel was curious to know what happened. Maybe they know about Miley… maybe someone was looking for him? She had told Sea everything about the man and Sea had promised to let her know if word got back.
Sea finally looked up at her and leaned back in her seat. “Bel, Im very disappointed in the fact that you wont treat the 12th.”
Bel felt her body turn cold and she clenched her teeth before she shook her head. “Who told you I refused to treat them? I refuse to treat the ones with wounds healable with a simple bandage. We have refugees that I am still treating with wounds from the evac and I am running dangerously low in just about everything. If it wasn’t for General getting me more supplies, I would have to refuse a lot more than the 12th. Im saving the essential supplies for seriously wounded people. If they had any idea of how many people I have turned away for stupid little wounds like cuts and bruises. I am not going to patch up superficial wounds and then have NOTHING to use to patch up the sucking belly wounds or the deep gashes from a reaver attack. Im not a monster, Sea. Im just one person trying to help not only this moon but other moons’ inhabitants.”
Sea smiled at Bel and nodded slowly as she stood up. “Never thought you were a monster, Sis. Just getting the facts. Im the mayor, I knew the answer. I just had to get it from you.”
“That doesn’t mean Im happy they are here, Sayasi. They fought for independence from the Alliance. The Alliance sees them as hostile. Anyone they deal with will be connected to them in the Alliance eyes. You worked hard to get a treaty with Alliance. I don’t want to see that treaty broken. I don’t want to look at the refugees and have them go through yet another disaster. They have been through enough. I miss my home. I miss being out in the wastes where I am close to my father. And you cant deny that the 12th coming by all the time doesn’t send a red flag to the Alliance about our little slice of heaven?”
Sea walked around the desk and set a hand on Bel’s shoulder, making her sit down before looking at her. “I have thought about all those possibilities and more. The treaty is strong as long as everyone involved behaves, it will stay strong and we will NOT have to worry about that war spilling blood on our moon. Let me be the mayor, Bel.”
Bel nodded slowly and sighed as she sat back in the seat. “Ive lost one home, Sea. I don’t want to lose another. I miss Blackburne so much. I miss…” She closed her eyes and thought about her Sayasi. “Nina… and Papa… And that moon is the only way I can get close to them in spirit, Sea.”
Sea hugged her and Bel thought about it all, glad she had General. Glad she had Sea and Sabrina. Her new family.

Oh no.. is General Dancing?

2009-06-15T18:42:00.001-07:00

A relationship is like a rose,
How long it lasts, no one knows.
Love can erase an awful past,
Love can be yours, you'll see at last.
To feel that love, it makes you sigh,
To have it leave, you'd rather die.
You hope you've found that special rose
‘Cause you love and care for the one you chose.

- Rob Cella

Bel busied herself with the flowers, turning them this way then that as she talked to herself about the list flashing in her head...

Cake?

Check.

Champagne?

Check.

Flowers?

She leaned back and then turned the red roses again before smiling in satisfaction.

Check.

She looked around Fook’s and sighed a huge sigh of relief. She used her money mostly on others. The tribe, Blackburne, Hale’s Moon, her new adopted family. And this time she was using it on Seana and Sabrina. Was it really almost a month since she witnessed them marry on Ariel? It seemed like yesterday standing there in the blue dress and watching as the two of the most important people in her lives declared their love.

She blinked out of the reverie as she looked up at the clock and wiped her dusty hands on her jeans. Egads? 1200 hours already? She needed to get ready and get into her dress.

She ran across the way to the med bay to get dressed, knowing full well that she couldn’t take her bike to her apartment and not get dirty. The process was short. She wasn’t much on too much makeup and jewelry. A few strokes of liner and mascara as well as a nice shade of lipstick before pulling on the bracelets that Bridgette got her.

The dress was green and flowy, and it ended just at her knees. With a slip of her wedges on her feet, she brushed her hands along the smooth fabric, making sure the spaghetti straps were secure on her shoulders before she headed up the stairs to the party.

Sobi was in charge of making sure the cake and champagne was not gotten into, and she was glad he was there as when she went in, the place was already filling up. Seana and Sabrina showed up and the room broke out in applause. The blushing and oh so in love couple hugging friends and family as they entered the bar.

Bel had made it a point to throw the party for them as a way of making it up to the friends that couldn’t make it to their wedding. And this was as good a wedding present as Bel could ever give them.

The cortex in her bag buzzed and she smiled at the message, relaying that he would attend as soon as he landed. Her heart skipping a beat as she turned to glance at the door, missing the knowing glances between her sisters.

“So Bel? When are you getting married?” Sabrina smiled as she twirled her wife around the floor, the usually tomboyish mechanic dressed in an elegant green gown.

Bel huffed and shook her head. “No offense, marriage is the kiss of death in my relationships. Engaged once, and that is as far as I am going to go.” She crossed her arms as she leaned against the bar, watching the couples dance and mingle with each other while also congratulating the happy couple.

“We’ve heard that before.” Seana mused as she waltzed with her beloved, the small Mayor of Hale’s Moon looking amazing in a long black and red coat and pants.

“Not getting married, guys.” She knew they knew the situation. They were the only two that knew the identity of the mystery guy that has had the medic preoccupied for the past few weeks.

“Who’s not getting married?” The voice was husky and familiar and it made Bel’s heart jump before she turned and smiled up at him.

“General, glad you could make it back for the party.” Sabrina said as she twirled around her small wife, shaking her bum as the music went up a tempo.

“Sorry I’m late. Unforeseen circumstances.” He mused to Sabrina before smiling down at Bel. “Hey Bel.” He kept his hands at his sides and Bel didn’t reach for him. An unspoken agreement dictating that they wont be like every other couple and fawning over each other. It was a good agreement. Bel was glad for it.

“Are you hungry? Need a drink?” She asked General as she looked up at him. Her hands clasped behind her back as she rocked back on her feet a bit.

He smiled at her and shook his head. “No. Im good.”

“Good. Then we can dance.” She grabbed his hand, a moan of despair coming from him as she dragged him onto the dance floor. “There is no public affection, General. Just dancing.” She grins as she took his hands and placed them on her hips before wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Its just swaying. No fancy footwork.” She grins as she swayed back and forth, the rest of the crowd a haze while she looked up at his face. It was amusing, his partial look of pain as well as discomfort even though his hands griped her hips gently yet securely.

If she had even paid the faintest attention to the crowd that surrounded them, she would see the knowing glances and whispers of the now known information as to why the little red headed medic from Blackburne was glowing and happier than she had ever been in months. Even years.

Who would of thought that the Medic could end up with a guy with enough artillery to take out a small planet?

Bel's Phoenix Moment

2009-06-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

A family is not just blood and bones. A family is the people that never betray you, share your laughs, your tears and your achievements and your downfalls with open arms. They embrace your quirks, accepting they make you so individual you are unique in the universe. But most of all, they are the people that give you hope on a daily basis that you will have that moment. That moment to shine and prove to the world that you are indeed worth every moment and every instance of love, hope and happiness. Your family is who you embrace into it, and if you are lucky enough, your family will be there for the end of times.

- The Voice

Bel wrapped her arms around him, burying her face against his neck as she took calm breaths. Her eyes squeezed shut while she tried to top her racing heart. She didn’t want to let go, and she knew he didn’t want to either with the way his arms tightened around her while he pressed his face into her hair.

After her tears subsided, she reached up and caressed over his too shaggy hair while looking into his eyes and taking a deep shaky breath.

“Baio-ge. How come everytime I see you I burst into tears?” She sniffed as she hugged him again, pressing herself to him while he hugged her back. She didn’t have any blood family left. None that she wanted to acknowledge anyway. I suppose there was a reason Grandfather turned away one of his daughters. But that was neither here nor there. Not only was that bridge burned, the moon it was on was blown up. There was no going back. And with it, no regrets. Xaviar knew the story. She had talked to him over the cortex over it many of nights, needing someone… anyone to talk to. Not able to bring herself to go to Seana or Sabrina. Knowing they had too much on their plates to deal with her own little problems.

She felt a hand on hers and she clenched it tightly, knowing of only one person who had such delicate hands, yet strong with emotion and determination. The only difference in the hand was the feel of warm metal indicating where the wedding band was. Bridgette was her sister in heart. The same as Sabrina and Seana and Taia. She squeezed the hand tightly before pulling away from her cousin, her hazel eyes darting from his handsome face to her soft and Asian one.

He drew his hand to caress her cheek, and Bel smiled up at him, so enchanted she was with her cousin. She would call it hero worship. Be he was in fact, her last blood relative in the verse. As far as anyone was concerned.

“I don’t know, Baio-mei. You keep ruining my shirts.” His throaty chuckle was echoed by several others behind her and she remembered she wasn’t alone. She looked over his shoulder and pulled Bridgette for a long hug as well before leaning back and signing.

Bridge, how have you been? You got married without me. I would be upset if I wasn’t so happy to see you.

She hugged her again and smiled as she kissed her temple, the simple signing from Bridge only answered with a nod and a smile before she turned to introduce the crew of the Golden Dawn to her Hale’s Moon Family.

They hit it off splendidly, Sabrina and JJ running around the GD’s engine room like two kids in a candy store.

Logan and General talked shop. Or guns really. Going on and on with the gun-ese that it forced everyone else into the commons room. A hot cup of Bridge’s tea passed out to everyone while Seana and Captain Plumb talked about how often the captain can drop off supplies to the small moon now that we were packed with not only the locals, but refugees.

Maggie wandered off to do last minute checks while Bel sat with Xaviar and Bridgette, the happy married couple sitting close enough to be obscene if they were naked.

Bel sipped her tea and languished in its perfection. No offense to Sobi, but Bridgette was always amazing with tea.

“So?”

Bel looked up with a bit of confusion. “So? What?”

Bridgette shook her head and signed.

Remember, my Kokoro, she doesn’t read minds.

Xaviar shook his hand and smiled at Bridgette before turning to Bel. “So, Belz, Who is he?” He winced. “I mean, are you happy?” He glanced at Bridgette as his hand reached down to assumingly rub at his calf as Bridgette sat there drinking her tea and looking innocent.

Bel watched the exchange with a smile before nodding. “For the first time in a long time, I feel my purpose. I feel happy. I AM happy.”

Xaviar watched her closely before smiling and nodding. “I can actually see that.” He looked satisfied as he hugged his bride to him and he suddenly looked younger than his 32 years.

Bel looked at her tea and smiled, remembering the endless nights with him, the passion and the pleasure. The giggling and teasing mixed with a sexual awareness. She was unaware of her skin flushing, but it didn’t get past Xaviar and Bridgette, the two giggling at her silently.

The rest of the night was filled with festivities, Taia and Jonas finally arriving much to the delight of Bridgette who doted over him, barely giving him up much to the worry of Xaviar. The talk of a baby being born on the ship was widespread in minutes. Her cousin flushing, but knowing full well it will happen at some point.

Bel watched from her seat, smiling while she watched her family and mingle with each other. New friendships formed and new unities forged. It was amazing. And Bel realized with just that moment, it was everything she would ever need. And in that instance, she felt whole.

When Bridgette set out the dinner for family and friends, Bel stood up with a glass of whiskey in her hand and she cleared her throat and all eyes looked to her.

“Tonight, my families met and merged into one huge brood of love. But tonight we are missing a few that I know would love every single one of you.” She took a deep breath before speaking again. “Papa, Mom and Nina. All lost before their time. Lost before they had a chance to see that I finally found the plane of my existence where I am finally happy and whole. With people that love me without reservation. I love you all. Friends and family alike. We may have lost a lot these past few months and years, but we found each other. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.” She raised her glass and smiled. “To my family. Everyone of you.”

The small speech was met with cheers and hears hears as she guzzled down the whiskey and put it on the table, smiling broadly while she looked at each face with love and admiration. Not only did that coin fall, it was glued down. She wasn’t about to go back to how she was. This was her phoenix moment.

A Brand New Day with No Regrets

2009-05-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't
leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about
winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you
appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go
isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave
emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is
to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having
an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning
and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the
experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.
It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will
soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change,
and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is
realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.
-- Author Unknown

The cortex message was concise and to the point. No hidden agenda. No hidden meaning. And the message was clear.

Bel sighed softly as she read it, scanning over the words quickly before deleting the message forever into the black. She leaned forward a bit, setting the cortex on the table before tilting her head in deep thought, not an ounce of sadness on her face. Not an ounce of regret.

“Bad news, Bel?” She smiled at the deep voice and turned her head to look at him, her skin flushing in response to the huskiness. His eyes were curious, yet calm as he looked her over.

She shook her head before leaning back against his chest, his arms automatically wrapping around her as she tilted her head back to rest against his shoulder. “No. Not bad news. Expected news.” He knew what had happened. And they had comforted each other before finding comfort in each other. “Decisions were made in both instances and I have no regrets. It was time to think about me and besides, with you… how could I ever think of being alone?”

They kissed each other before she snuggled back against him, rubbing her hands along his arms while she curled up against him. They were fully clothed, just content in being in each other’s company.

The past couple weeks have been the best she has had in so long. She felt good. Content. Happy. Even if this was temporary, even if this isn’t forever. She felt like she her coin finally dropped and it showed her fate. To stay on Hale’s Moon. Be the best damned medic she could be. Help Taia raise Jonas. Be the best Sayasi to her adopted kin. Enjoy her life with him for as long as it will be there. And never regret a day of her life.

“So many choices were made. So many lives hit that fork in the road. I figured we would travel in the same direction. But she chose the other path. I do hope she’s happy. Because I know I am. I have absolutely no regrets.” She turns her head and draws his head down to kiss him as she let that part of her life drift away in a cloud of memory. Content to move forward in her life.

She laid back against him, sighing contently while she watched the sunset from his window, both curled up on the couch and enjoying the day of just being together.

Maybe Moving On Isnt So Hard To Do...

2009-05-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

- Im Still Standing – Elton John

Bel curled her leg around his as he wrapped his arms around her. Naked, sweaty bodies pressed against each other. Hearts just now returning to their normal beat while their breathing softened to contented sighs. Her nails trail along his chest, curling over pecs and down his stomach while she brushed her cheek against his shoulder. She could hear his heart beat, counting them before she finally spoke.

“So what made you follow me to Ariel?” She glanced up at him, grinning while she quirked a brow, her foot rubbing along his calf while she sighed contently.

“What makes you think I followed you? How do you know I wasn’t coming this way anyway?” He looked down at her and reached down to smack her bum, the action making her squeal and laugh before she turned and straddled him.

It was a total surprise. She had turned a corner in Ariel, arms full of books to stow on the ship and she ran into him. If it wasn’t for his fast reactions, the books would of fallen into the mud. He took her books and helped her to the ship, chatting to her about the trip and decided he should get his own supplies. He wasn’t following her, honest.

She believed that as much as she believed Reavers had a soul. She had listened to him as she thought back to the first time they finally shared themselves with each other. How they had talked and teased and laughed at jokes one late night. Neither one could sleep and decided to hang out at Fook’s. They laid down on the couches and talked before she plopped down on the couch he was in and starting poking him. Pokings led to tickles and the next thing they knew…

She felt alive in his arms. Better than she ever felt. How could anyone not want to be with him? Anyone would be a fool not to see beneath his hard exterior was someone wanting what everyone else wants.

She was brought back to the present with a trail along her back, his fingers making her shiver as she chuckled down at him. “Im glad we aren’t telling anyone about this. In a way, I want to tell the ‘verse. But I know it’s not the right time.”

For the first time in a long time, she felt safe. Safe and secure and… happy. Papa always said that life is like walking through a long tunnel. And when your life finally gets to that point of pure happiness, you finally see the light.

Bel brushed her fingers along his hair, curling her fingers through the tendrils while she brushes her thumbs along his cheeks. She looked into his eyes and then leaned down to kiss him gently before resting on his chest and rubbing her cheek against his shoulder.

“Where were you off to?” The bemused voice was close to her ear, husky and deep and warm to her senses. She could feel his hand rub along her back, from shoulders to hip as she curled atop of him.

“I will tell you when I get there.” She grinned before lifting up and kissing him, melting into his body while she caressed into his hair again.

Through the Fog and on her Way.

2009-05-21T22:22:00.001-07:00

“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.”

-Blaine Lee

“How long will you be gone?” Taia bounced Jonas on her thigh gently, the child giggling and grabbing at her long hair while he chewed on his hand. She looked at Bel curiously, the tribe clothes gone, replaced with a long skirt, a tank top and sandals. In the short time Taia started living on Hale’s, she had assimilated quite nicely. Her eyes still held the sadness of a lost mate. And at night, Bel could hear the soft sobbing of grief coming from the room downstairs.

“I don’t know, Sayasi. It will take awhile to get there. Then there is the short medical training, Sea and Sabrina’s wedding. A few days, maybe a week.” She folded a top and stuffed it into her bag before she looked over at the young girl. “I leave tonight.” She stopped and turned around to look at Taia and then Jonas before she reached over and embraced them both, the giggling baby patting her cheek and looking up at her with big blue eyes. Taia squeezed her close as she sighed.

”You need this, Bel. You will come back better, I can feel it. You have so much good you can do to this community. Everyone loves you. They are just as much your family as the tribe was.”

She pulled away and tilted her head in that curious way, looking into Bel’s eyes. The kind of look that made Bel self conscious. She brushed her hair back before she nodded a bit.

“I will be back. My coin is still spinning, Taia. Who knows? Maybe I have someone to come back to.” She smiled as she reached over and gently caressed over Jonas’ dark hair. The smile Taia gave her was a knowing look. She wasn’t just talking about the sweet cherub of a baby eagerly feasting on his fist. Her little sister had caught her coming in at the break of dawn the past few nights this week. The veiled deception of treating a sick patient or accidentally falling asleep at her desk never worked on the smart girl.

In fact, she had come in early in the morning, her bra stuffed in her pocket and a very satisfied look on her face. The night filled with passion and eager kisses as he said his goodbye and she gave her promise to return. The corners of her mouth turning slightly as she thought about him. Her brain contemplating the pros and cons of such a relationship. Not really calling him hers… and he never called her his. The relationship purely to unknot any knots that have tightened over the months. It had worked. She felt lighter and happier. Less snippy with people and more attentive to others.

When she left him, she felt a twang of sadness as she kissed his rough cheek. Taking in his scent and enjoying the feel of his hands on her back. She closed her eyes at the memory and smiled to herself as she stood there, only the giggle of Taia next to her breaking her of her reverie.

“Little Jonas… this is how your Kauai Bel looks when she is happy. She’s not happy very often, so remember this look. She isn’t always a sourpuss.” She grins as she winks up at Bel as she bounced the baby on her hip.

Bel reached over and took Jonas, the soft coo of the child warming her heart as she pressed him gently against her chest. “Little Jonas, I will always be happy as long as you are.”

Taia grinned knowingly as she watched the two and she knew that this was a turning point for her beloved Sayasi. Bel has found her way through the fog..

She's a little cold-hearted...

2009-05-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

“I'm a believer in that, ... I am a great believer in found families and I'm not a great believer in blood. Although I love my family, even the ones I grew up with, to me I've always felt that the people who treated you with respect and included you in their lives were your family and the people who were related to you by blood might happen to be those people but that correlation was a lot less [strong] than society believes it is.”

-Joss Whedon

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WONT TREAT ME!?” The Browncoat soldier bellowed at Bel as she casually typed into her cortex, her eyes glancing from screen to soldier to screen again. “What are you? One of those purple belly supporters? I was told you would help!” He gripped his arm and grimaced as the blood soaked through the cloth wrapped around it. It was a simple knife wound. Nothing major. The only thing making it bleed was the fact he was bellowing and gripping the arm as if it was going to fall off. Bel recognized him. Knew what ship he was on. What captain he served under. And for some reason, she just didn’t want to treat him.

”Sir, you have a gash on your arm. Find some needle and thread and sew it up. It’s not that hard. Would you mind leaving? You are disturbing my patients.” She went back to the screen and typed, her fingers tapping on the keys. He didn’t even move. Instead he looked at her incredulously.

“You are a doctor! You are supposed to help! It’s a code or something, aint it?” He looked a wee bit pale as he clutched the bloody cloth to his arm and Bel looked up at him and shook her head.

“No. Im a medic. I didn’t take any oath. I didn’t go to any schooling. I have every right to refuse you. I have every right to refuse anyone I see fit. If it bothers you and your captain so much, tell him to take his ship and head for another moon where the medics and doctors have the time and patience to deal with his lot. Now, good day, sir.” She turned her attention back to the screen, a twinge in her bones making her wince at the feeling of almost regret.

It wasn’t truly his fault. But she didn’t want to associate with anyone of that circle. Granted, if he was shot in the chest or losing his life, she would act differently. But a simple knife wound probably gotten during a fight with a local or something wasn’t her concern. The fact they were here made her skin crawl. They were like a beacon to the Alliance. Telling them that Hale’s was ripe for the picking. It didn’t matter she had a personal beef with the captain himself. She gnashed her teeth together as she stopped typing, the browncoat finally walking away from her.

She rubbed between her eyes and she looked over to see Taia standing there, Jonas strapped to her back. A look of concern crossed her features as she watched her sayasi. “Bel, what is wrong with you? Have you truly become cold hearted with bitterness?”

Bel shook her head and frowned. “No.. I have not. He will survive. I need all the medical supplies we can get. Especially with the recent reaver attacks.” Not really a lie. But Bel didn’t want to have to think about the true reason. The reason why whenever she saw that ship, or her occupants… her heart sank before tightening and squeezing the joy out of her.

Papa always said we create our own hell. We supply the players and the situation. And we live it out like a play in our mind. Bel never realized what it meant til she got older. And she realized she was in her own personal hell.

The trip to Ariel was coming up. Bel’s coin spinning as her decision was still up in the air. Should she stay on Ariel? Find her joy and never have to see them again? Or come back. Stick it out and hope that she gets out of her personal hell.

She thought about the night before. How he felt under her fingers and how he smelled so musky and sweet. How for that shining moment, she felt like a woman again and not just a doctor. Taia moved away and went back to stock up the medicines from the cargo she acquired and Bel went back to work, her frown of discontent turning into a smile of remembrance.

Passion Has No Face

2009-05-18T13:46:00.001-07:00

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”

- Joss Whedon

Bel’s eyes opened to the darkness and she stretched slowly in bed, the tightness of muscles the only reminder of the night before. That and the deep snoring beside her. She smiled a bit before she sat up, the sheets falling from her bare body and pooling at her waist. She turned slightly and looked down at the sleeping form next to her, the corner of her mouth turning up in a half smile while she looked over his naked frame. The memory of the night before filling her senses before she smiled and turned in bed, letting her feet touch the floor while she drew the sheet away from her.

Standing, she headed over to the window and looked out onto the town, eyes taking in the stars and night and the bustling of people. She turned and headed over to where her clothes were haphazardly tossed in every direction, Bel pulling on her shirt and tugging on her jeans while she listened to the snores of the man in the bed. Her fingers combed through her hair and she reached down to tug on her goggles, feeling almost naked without them as of late.

She thought about how it happened. Purely by accident. How she couldn’t say no. Just to feel the warmth of another person so close to her. Giving her pleasure instead of pain. Giving her heart a jolt of excitement. She smiled a bit as she tugged on her boots, buckling each buckle before she stood up. Brushing her hands over her shirt and down over her hips, she felt the lump of her bike keys in her pocket and she smiled before she moved over to his cortex and typed in a message…

Until Next Time.

Slowly, she moved out the door and down the stairs before she straddled her bike, her hands reaching up to tug down her goggles over her eyes before she started the engine. The warm vibration giving her a thrill of excitement while she gunned the engine, the feeling of adventure and excitement coursing through her before she took off, aiming the bike towards home.

Maybe the coin fell and she didn’t know it. Or maybe it’s still sitting on its side, twirling and spinning and deciding her fate. Either way, she was going to accept it as it came. Either way, it will be worth the wait.

Toss of a Coin

2009-05-16T21:29:00.001-07:00

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And you're throughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

21 Guns – Green Day

Bel stared out her window as she cradled Jonas to her. He snored softly against her neck as she rubbed along his back, inhaling his soft baby scent as she watched nothing pass by. She thought about the past few days, how she found a moon for her people. How the Chief looked at her, his aged face showing his years as he thanked her for saving them. How Taia wanted to go with her to Hale’s and start a new life.

So now, she has Taia and Jonas staying in her apartment while she thought about what to do next. The destruction of her home planet, the eradication of almost all her people. She was as lost and confused as everyone else. After coming back from helping the tribe, she went in search of her friends from the town. She has yet to find Jayne.. Tarlek.

The sound from her cortex woke her up from her reverie and she walked Jonas over to his crib and settled him in, covering him in his blanket before she walked up the stairs to her room and sat down at her desk. With a few simple flips of a switch, she looked up at the computer screen and smiled. “Baio ge.”

Her cousin looked relieved to see her. “Bel… thank the stars you are okay. I heard what happened to Blackburne. Are you okay?” The relief turned into concern as he looked at her through the screen.

Bel had spent every night since that horrible day crying, thinking of Nina and about her home and everything she lost. She was emotionally and physically tired and she didn’t know what else to do. She looked around and her apartment and then back at her cousin through the screen. It was time to tell the truth.

“Not good, Xaviar. I lost… my blood sister. My home world. I feel lost and I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even know if I want to practice medicine anymore. All this on top of an endless array of wounded and dead. People I knew. People I cared for. I just don’t know if I can do it anymore, Xav.”

“We can be there as soon as you want us there, Bel. Plumb will rush there to get you as soon as possible, you know that.”

“I know. Let me talk to Sea... she still wants to take me to Ariel. If that doesn’t work, I will go with you and the crew.”

This seemed to appease him as he nodded. “Bel. Im really sorry. So very sorry.”

She smiled softly to him and nodded. “Thank you, Xav. I will be okay. I got Mom. She’s buried here now. Sea let me have a special area. She would of liked it. I just wish..” She sighed. “I just wish my father was here.”

Xaviar looked at her and nodded, knowing full well why she wished it. Knowing there were no remains of her father to bury. And just being on Blackburne meant Bel was with her father. Now with no Blackburne… she didn’t have her father. But she knew he was there in spirit.

After they talked all about the ship’s adventures and how Bridge and him were getting married in the fall and how Bel’s little nephew was sleeping in the cradle downstairs, they disconnected and Bel stood up before undressing. She slowly removed her top and pants before crawling into bed, her gaze facing out the window into the night sky as she contemplated what to do next.

She already felt her life is on the edge of a coin toss. She just didn’t know how she was going to fair when the coin dropped.

Death Of Childhood

2009-05-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

In My Life – The Beatles

Bel screamed out the door of the Nightingale to the tribe, shoving as many as she could into the small transport. Nina and the other warriors held off the Reavers while Bel scurried as many as she could fit onto the small ship, trying to shove 60 odd women, children and men into her small ship took some doing. Taia and Jonas was in the snug in the gunnery seat, the young girl cradling her son in her arms as she sobbed in mourning, her young husband one of the first to perish in the assault. Bel’s heart ached for the young girl, but at the moment she was worried about bringing her sayasi to safety as well as the other 10 warriors bravely holding the bloodthirsty monsters away from the innocents. When the last was on board, Bel cried out to her. “Nina! Yasa mai che. Its safe! Sayasi!”

She watched as Nina motioned the others on board, the ship already hovering for takeoff as one young man seemed to know the controls to the ship. She helped the men on board, nearly tossing them in to squeeze in with the others. She turned and looked out the door. “Sayasi!” Her words fell into horror as she watched her sister turn and smile at her, then her eyes widen in shock as the reality hit her. Nina fell forward, a rusted axe imbedded in the back of her skull and a reaver screaming out in victory.

”SAYASI!” Bel grabbed the rifle from a man next to her and aimed at the reaver before shooting it in the forehead. She watched it crumble before she reached over and slammed the door closed, screaming over the cries and murmurs of the people to the young pilot at the helm. “Hashai! Up!” She touched her hand to the bag at her side and murmured a bit; glad she had enough time to retrieve her mother’s remains before Blackburne was completely overrun. She pushed her way through the throng of people before she took over the controls. She checked her scanners and headed for Hale’s, making sure that she wasn’t being followed.

Taia turned in her seat and looked at her, her large doe eyes already red with mourning for her deceased husband. Bel didn’t know if she had the heart to tell her that her blood sister also perished. But a sob broke out from Taia and it was apparent that she knew. So much has been lost. Her home, her childhood. Everything gone. She had burned down her childhood home after digging up her mother’s remains. She would be damned to leave her here after the Reavers took over. She moved the pouch to her lap and held it close to her chest. She didn’t have time to cry; instead she got on the radio, calling out to anyone taking charge of the evacuation on Blackburne, letting them know she got Maiasa Tribe off. She knew their first priority was to get the towns people out. But hers was to get her family off the now totally abandoned moon that used to be her home.

“What do we do now, Sayasi?” Taia murmured as she tried to hush the whimpering Jonas, the dark haired two month old clutching at the young mother’s chest, oblivious to what is going on around him. Bel looked between the two and over her shoulder to the now mourning tribes’ people.

“We start over. Mourn our lost loved ones. Cherish their memories by living everyday. Raise that boy of yours and tell him everyday of his Kauai Nina and his Papa.” Bel choked at the thought of Nina, her hands reaching up to cover her eyes as she took deep shaky breaths while she tried to calm herself. She finally looked at Nina and nodded. “We start over.”

She spent everyday going back and forth, helping the tribes and the people of Blackburne as much as she could. And now she will never be able to go home again.

He saw now that you can't go home again--not ever. There was no road back. Ended for him, with the sharp and clean finality of the closing of a door, was the time of his dark roots, like those of a pot-bound plant, could not be left to feed upon their own substance and nourish their own little self-absorbed designs. Henceforth, they must be spread outward--away from the hidden, secret, and unfathomed past that holds man's spirit prisoner--outward, outward toward the rich and life-giving soil of a new freedom in the wide world of all humanity. And there came to him a vision of man's true home, beyond the ominous and cloud-engulfed horizon of the here and now, in the green and hopeful and still-virgin meadows of the future.
Look Homeward, Angel - Thomas C. Wolfe

Changes take forever

2009-05-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me.

The Change – Garth Brooks

Bel looked in the mirror and traced her fingers along her hair, eyes taking in the now bleached bangs and red hair that was chopped short around her head and face. The weekend spent on Persephone did her well. She caught up with Sarah and Walter, old patients and new contacts. It was Sarah’s idea to go to this fancy place usually reserved for companions. The money helped a lot even though Bel’s opinion of companions changed significantly over the past few months. She wouldn’t say she disliked them, just the idea of them. The fact that most thought they were better than everyone and all they cared for was the credits. She had yet to meet one that had a heart of gold. Just ones that cared for their own bottom line.

“You look beautiful, Ms. Carver. That cut and color does very well for you.” The woman taking care of her stared back at her in the mirror and smiled brightly. She said her name was Alexis. Bel didn’t know if she was a companion or not. But she was nice and so Bel cut off her usual coldness just this once.

“You did a wonderful job. Thank you, Alexis.” She did feel good. She figured since every male in the verse drooled over long flowing hair, the short hair would turn them away. She didn’t need them. Didn’t need any man in her life. She thought idly about Derrick and rubbed the back of her neck before she looked back at Alexis. “Now, lets do something about these glasses.” She looked down at the glasses in question and smiled wistfully before glancing back at the girl.

“Right this way, Ms. Carver.” She helped her out of her chair and led her to the room where the doctor awaited. He was older, gruff looking and looked upset in the fact here was summoned here on a day off. The exchange of credits brightened his demeanor and he helped Bel onto the table before nodding to Alexis.

“Let’s get those eyes fixed. Just a little near sighted, Ms. Carver?”

The procedure took less than half an hour and when Bel looked up and over at the chart across the room, she smiled. She had never seen this clearly in years. Ever, actually. She sighed and nodded, blinking a bit before shaking the doctor’s hand and nodding.

The extra credits assured silence before she walked out the door, glancing up at the dark sky and stars for the first time without her glasses. Her walk took longer than usual as she chose to walk through the street market that only shows up after dark. Considering most of the objects were black market and under the radar of the Alliance.

As Bel walked around a corner, an arm shot out and stopped her, making her bounce back a bit on her heels before she reached behind her for her gun tucked neatly at her back. Her eyes adjusted to the dark, which was easy considering her state of black and white.

“ Ello, Missy. What ‘ave we got ‘ere? A pretty young thing walking alone after dark? You could get ‘urt.” She looked him in the eyes and quirked a brow. He didn’t scare her. She had seen worse things walking in the daylight to her own clinic on Hale’s.

“Mr. Kennedy sends his best.” She could see his eyes widen a bit before his arm dropped to his side. He shuffled back into the dark and Bel continued on, walking towards the shimmering blue light. A young woman, everything a companion says she isn’t, nodded to her as she approached.

“Looking for a good time, Miss?” She couldn’t of been more than 16, the girl’s black hair piled on her head Bel looked her over a minute before she spoke.

“Im looking for a small dog. Brown with black spots.” The girl nodded and moved out of the doorway, nodding at it before Bel slipped her a couple thousand credits. “Find a ship and board it. Head to Hale’s. We can find you a job there.” She looked at the girl and the girl nodded before Bel slipped in the door.

The warehouse was huge. Big enough to store a ship. Lined all over the floor space were small tents, the loud voices of barkers and sellers echoing in her ears. She tugged her jacket around her tighter as she wandered the aisles. She picked up a few medical supplies as well as some personal items before her eyes caught onto something. She walked slowly to the bike, cherry red and gleaming in the lantern light. She reached out and caressed along the handlebars and down along the tank and seat before she looked out over to the seller. She knew her look was neutral and calm, getting a good price for the bike and even getting the seller to deliver it to her on Hale’s. Along with a pair of goggles hooked around her neck, Bel wandered out the exit of the warehouse, looking over her shoulder as the exit was cleverly disguised as a mechanic’s garage.

With the night almost over and Bel thousands of credits poorer, she headed back to Sarah and Walter, deciding the next day she would head back to Hale’s.

Concerns of a cousin

2009-04-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman

Bel typed into the computer next to her, the instrument a bit foreign to her. She learned the minor things, hooking up her cortex to it and transferring files to it so she can have better records of her patients. She flipped through the manual and reaches up to rub at her cheek, almost not hearing the dinging of her cortex of the incoming message. She looked at it for a good couple seconds before she answered it. The vision of her cousin flashed on the screen and she smiled happily.

“Xav! Oh, Baio ge! Its so good to see you.” She peered at the screen and smiled. “You need a haircut and a shave.” She touched the screen and smiled, tracing her fingers along the digital image of his chin. “Oh.. Baio ge, I missed you.”

“Baio mei, it’s kinda hard to get a shave and haircut when there are no barbers around.” He smiled brightly at her and she can see that he did indeed look very good. “How are you doing, Bel? You look thin. Tired. I can see the circles. Is your head hurting? Do I need to do another scan?” He looked concerned and she knew he was right. She was overworking herself. Spending every free minute filled with patients and getting supplies for Hale’s and Blackburne. She was making sure she didn’t have a free minute to spare to think about anything at all other than what she needed to be thinking of.

“Its been busy here. Reavers and raiders right after each other. I haven’t had time to rest. My head doesn’t hurt, and I am still seeing black and white, but that means I could be healing or just really really calm.” She had explained her theory to her cousin and he scoffed a bit at her, not realizing that sometimes these things happen when you are born and raised on a radioactive moon. “Im okay, Baio ge. Seana and Sabrina want to take me to Ariel for their wedding and to get a good rest from all the chaos.”

“I don’t know, Bel. This thing between the Alliance and Shadow may erupt in an all out war. I don’t want you anywhere near Shadow or any core planet. Not when this could boil over.” He cussed some in Mandarin and she winced at the language, her usually calm cousin getting more vocal the longer he is on that ship. She sighed and nodded at him before she stopped his curses.

“I promise, Xav… if it starts to boil over, I will let you take me to wherever you want to take me.” She was serious. She knew that her cousin wouldn’t accept anything less. She realized he knew when she was fibbing towards him.

He seemed to stare at her before he finally nodded and seemed satisfied with her response. “Okay. Fair enough. You are the only family I have left. And…” He looked off as if looking at someone or something out of camera’s reach and he nodded. “I read your mom’s diary. We need to stick together. We need to make sure our family lives on, Bel. Promise me you wont do anything stupid.”

Bel nodded and sighed. “I promise I wont do anything stupid. But I am going to Ariel with Seana and Sabrina if they want me to. Okay?”

He nodded after a few moments, glad he won most of the battle. Could have done worse. They spent the better part of an hour chatting about the crew and what she has been doing and how Bridgette was. He showed her a ring, a beautiful gold and diamond right. Said it cost him a pretty penny, but he will be proposing to Bridgette that night. He asked when the time came, if Bel would attend the wedding. Of course she would! Wild horses couldn’t keep her away.

After a few tearful moments of goodbye, Bel shut the cortex off and leaned back in her chair, her head tilting back to look up at the ceiling while she stared at the familiar water stain on the wall.

Maybe she needs to slow down. Maybe it was time to relax for once.

Wrist Deep In Thought and Blood

2009-04-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe

Bel wiped her brow, not noticing the smear of blood that followed it as she looked down at the wounded man. She recognized him. The man who sold her a teapot off the back of his ship. The kind old man with grey eyes and a laugh that made her mood instantly brighten just at the sound of it. He always had a joke and a limerick to try out on the bonny doctor that would buy the little trinkets. She didn’t know if he knew she only bought the useless trinkets to help him and his family. But she would like to think he did.

The wound was severe but not one that was life threatening, Bel cut the stitch and carefully wrapped a bandage around his stomach before nodding to the volunteers to carry him to the other side of Fook’s. She could hear the screams and ravages of the Reavers as they ran through the streets. She reached down and touched the gun at her side and she took a deep breath before she turned to patch up the next wounded, this time a fighter with a nasty gash along his arm.

She went into automatic, her mind leaving as her hands cleaned and stitched the wound. She refused to think about the past. That was something she figured she crossed already. No regrets, no sad thoughts. Instead she thought of something far worse. The future. She thought about the rebellion from Shadow. How they demanded their independence from the Alliance. She thought about how this could affect Hale’s and Blackburne.

She had thought about the innocent men, women and children that needed to head off the moons so they wont get caught up in the middle of this impending war. She thought about Sarah and Walter. About Xaviar and Bridgette and the rest of the crew. She already cortexed them and told them to stay on the other side of the verse, it wasn’t safe around her right now. She immediately got a message back demanding they come get her so she can be safe. Although Xav knew it would fall on deaf ears.
When the fighter was patched up, he grabbed his coat and ran out the door, Bel shaking her head and smiling, glad she gave him the shot before he decided to run off and get an infection. She sat down on the couch, glad for the lull and knowing that it is only a small break and she looked around at the wounded and the dead. She had seen so much of it from the hands of Reavers and Raiders, she didn’t know how she would react to it coming from a war.

She had slowly but surely recovered from the attempted rape. The thought of Otis Miley coming back to get her had faded into a distant memory. She still wasn’t back together. But she knew she wasn’t going to be the starry eyed virgin of long ago who believed that love was the most powerful emotion of all. She knew now that it was just a fantasy shoved down her throat by people who already had that.
She thought about Derrick, out there in the black and risking his life for her and her calls for medication and food. How he asked to know her better. How he kissed her when he left. She had watched him take off and she didn’t know how she felt about it. Didn’t know if he would run away. If he would never come back if he knew. She didn’t have the heart to tell him. To tell him that it is in his own best interests to never have feelings for her. To run away and never look back. He deserved someone sweet and innocent. And she was neither.

Bel blinked as she heard the familiar call of her name. Another wounded fighter, the same one with the shoulder wound. She took a deep breath and wandered over, wiping her hands on her apron before getting in and looking at his leg, the thoughts and wonderings forgotten.

Surprises in the Night.

2009-04-20T17:35:00.001-07:00

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

- Times Like These – Foo Fighters

The knock on the door to her small apartment on Blackburne was brief, barely audible as Bel tinkered on the device on her table. She looked up at the door and frowned before sliding her tools and the device into a basket and hiding it under her couch. She padded to the door quietly before opening it, only to have Derrick Osterham fall into her arms. She fell to the floor under his weight and she checked for a pulse, grateful she found one before she dragged him over to the couch. He woke up and fumbled for his gun, a little confused as where he was and what he was doing.

“Derrick? Derrick?” She placed her hand on his gun hand and grabbed his shoulder, his eyes finally focused on hers and a smile crossing his pained features. “Miss Carver. I knew you would find me.” His words were slurred and she could tell he was hurting. His brown hair damp with sweat and his skin pale.

“You found me, Derrick.” She checked him over finding a pretty nasty bullet wound in his thigh and she pulled out her bag from under the coffee table and pulled out a pair of scissors. “Trust me.” She nods as she starts to cut his pants before using both hands to rip the denim apart to reveal the wound.

“With my life, Miss Carver.” He murmured as he leaned back on the couch, a look of concern on his face as he looked at her. “I am getting blood all over your fine rug and furniture…” He winced as she poked at the wound and he closed his eyes.

Bel smiled as she shook her head. Charming to the end even when he was wounded. “Derrick. I told you to call me Bel. And don’t worry about my furniture or rug. They can be replaced, you cant. Now shut your eyes.” She waited until his eyes were closed before she pulled out the needle and filled it with a painkilling numbing agent. She injected his wound then dropped the empty syringe into her bag before smiling at him. “You can open them now.”

“Was… was that a needle?” He paled even more and she shook her head, wondering how someone so brave could be so scared of needles. She nodded a bit before responding. “Yes… now you will probably feel a bit goofy and a little drunk.” She knew that the serum would act quickly so she pulled out her scalpel and sliced into the wound. She blinked in puzzlement as she found no bullet, in fact… the wound looked like it was hacked into. “Derrick? Where is the bullet?”

He blearily looked at her and blinked before he answered her with a slur. “It was a tracer… dug it out with my knife. Couldn’t bring them here.” Bel shook her head as she checked the wound for infection instead. She filled the wound with an antibiotic gel before coating the outer wound with a sterilizing powder.

”You are beautiful… and smart… and lovely…” He murmured as he looked down at her. Eyes glazed over from the serum kicking in. She blushed at the compliments before nodding her head. “Thank you, Derrick.” She placed a bandage over the wound and taped it down before cutting his jeans all the way, making one leg into shorts before wrapping the gauze around his thigh and making sure the bandage is strapped down.

“I would love to get to know you better, Miss… Bel.” He slurred even as his eyes drooped. Bel’s hands stopped as she taped the gauze down and she blinked down at his thigh while thoughts swirled in her head like stars in a blackhole.

No… this cant be happening. She thought. This cant be happening. Im not ready. Im not ready for this. I don’t want this. I cant have this. He will leave me too. He will find someone else. He will see how crazy I am and run away screaming.

She leaned back slowly and looked up at him, taking in his nearly passed out form. A soft snore escaped him as he fell asleep on her couch. She laid him down and covered him with a blanket, Bel carefully removing his gun and any other weapon. She moved over to her chair and watched him sleep as she thought about the night, wondering what else is going to happen to her to make her rethink her life plan.

A Long Distance Dedication

2009-04-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Note From Player:

Lately over the past few months, I have had to endure alot of drama towards the player. Some from people who realize they did wrong and others who just plain got a hair up their ass. This weekend, it came to a head with someone yelling at me for something I had nothing to do with. I felt horrible after awhile, but I talked to some people and they all said the same. Adults make choices. Not my fault they chose to leave. It is their choice. They will have to deal with that when the time comes. And to accuse someone else of doing so is not only heartless but incredibly childish. So... as something I have been doing lately to those that have fucked me over... this song goes out to two certain people. THey know who they are. And they probably dont read this so this is more or less my declaration that I will NOT be anyone's doormat anymore.

- Bel and her player...

Something's on my mind
It's been for quite some time
This time I'm on to you
So where's the other face?
The face I heard before
Your head trip's boring me

Let's nuke the bridge we torched
2,000 times before
This time we'll blast it all to hell
I've had this burning in my guts now
for so long
My belly's aching now to say

Stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut
A side of you well hid
When it's all said and done
it's real and it's been fun
But was it all REAL fun

Let's nuke the bridge we torched
2,000 times before
This time we'll blast it all to hell
I've felt this burning in my guts now
for so long
My belly's aching now to say

to say...

You're just... a fuck,
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm take-
-in pride
in telling you to fuck off and die.

I've had this burning in my guts now
for so long
My belly's aching now to say
I'm taking pleasure in the doubts
I've passed to you
So listen up 'cause you might miss...

You're just... a fuck,
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm take-
-in pride
in telling you to fuck off and die.

Good night....

- F.O.D - Green Day

Starting Anew

2009-04-12T17:41:00.001-07:00

You thought you could hold me down.
Making me think I was in the wrong.
You thought you would come out on top.
Singing that same ol’ not me song.

Everything you did and everything you do,
Could never compare to what is now.
Being your doormat and letting you win,
Is one thing I will never allow.

You think we are good, but that is not true.
The same old situation comes back into view.
You hurt me, and killed what we had at the start.
And now I am walking away to begin anew.

Im tired of playing the ying to your yang.
Im tired of following in a shadow too dark.
Im walking away before it’s too late.
Im ready to start making my own giant mark.

- Hold Me Down – Player…

Belize sat at Fook’s and carefully blew the steam off her tea. She had acquired the tea from a traveling companion. The pretty brunette had a wide range of specially blended teas from all over the ‘verse. When Bel had heard this, she had simply bought a stash and had Sobi make sure to put it aside just for her. The smell of jasmine wafting around her face and making her sigh in relaxation. She takes a careful sip, letting the brew warm her while she glances over at Seana and Sabrina, the two grinning at each other with so much love it makes her think that there is a real chance for her out there.

She listened to the muted sounds of engines coming and going, the chatter of the patrons around her as they communed and made business. The light sounds of music as it soothed tempers and helped the dancers twirl around the poles and wiggle on stage. The sound of coins hitting the bottom of tip jars reminding her of rain hitting the tin roof of her family hut.

She had done a lot of reflecting the past week or so. A lot of rollercoaster rides and with the attempted rape, she didn’t know where else to go or do. She watched Seana and Sabrina with affection. Smiling as they looked at each other and she knew who she could trust to tell. Her new sayasis.

With her new determination to tell Sabrina and Seana, Bel sat back and thought about Immi. She didn’t feel remorse or sadness when she thought about that last day she saw her. In fact, she didn’t feel much of anything. She had told her about their mothers being sisters. And how that they were family. She didn’t regret telling her. It was what she would do with the information that would determine what happens next. Right after, she contacted Xaviar and told him. After a few questions, they mutually made the decision to withdraw the money in one account and put it all under her aunt’s name. She had never met her. But she knew that she would use it better than anyone could.

She also made contact with an acquaintance and told them what she wanted. The job was simple. And the person would be paid heftily if they succeeded. All they had to do was deliver a message. Deliver and leave. Bel was certain this particular person would do the job exactly how she wanted it.

The sound of laughter brought her back to the present and she looked down to find her tea gone. She chuckled to herself before looking over at Seana and Sabrina. They were looking at her with worried expressions and she nodded before leaning over and telling them about Otis Miley.

A Matter Of Trust...

2009-04-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try

- Lonely Girl – Pink

Belize sat on the pillow and gazed at the sleeping baby curled up in her arms. She tenderly curled her fingers through his dark hair and brushed her knuckles along his soft skin. She takes in little Jonas’ innocence, soaking it in while she let her thoughts drift. He coos in his sleep and nuzzles in against her breast and she smiles, his lips pursing and moving, nudging at her while his little fists press against her.

“I think little Jonas is hungry.” Bel reluctantly lifts him up to Taia so she can nurse him, the small woman taking him and moving over to a nearby pillow. Draping a blanket over her shoulder, she slips Jonas under and starts to nurse, her eyes moving to Nina who is situated across from Bel. All the women of the tribe are inside while the men guard the area from the dangers of the Wastes. Everyone seems to be looking at Bel, every eye from young to old staring at the red headed medicine woman.

“Jonas is healthy, Taia. Beautiful and weighting just a tad more than what he should, but I think its healthy. When he starts walking, that weight will drop off.” She smiles as she looks around, making sure to not only talk to the mother but all the mothers. It was a tribe. They raised the children together.

Nina laid back on the pillows and watched Bel with narrowed eyes and she spoke, the guttural language of the Wastes that Bel knew so well. “Mahazete…” Leave. At first Bel thought she was talking to her but it was then she realized all the women except for her, Taia and Belize quietly left the tent. When the last one left, Taia looked over at Nina and nodded before Nina continued. “Is he at least dead, Sayasi?” Sister… Nina hadn’t called her that since… Bel blinked and remembered.

“He is. No way to find him.” Bel knew. They were there the last time. With Sarge. Except Sarge never tried to rape her. They knew her. Knew her more than anyone. All those times she disappeared. She came here. To her sayasi. Her sisters. She closed her eyes and told them what happened. Every detail. She felt the shame as she confessed she used her body to get supplies for them and for Hale’s and Blackburne. How she would rather be soiled than see anyone of her adopted family lose out on needed medical supply.

She looked up from her hands and she noticed Nina had moved beside her, hand rubbing along her back. And she realized she was crying, sobbing. She turned and held Nina, crying on her shoulder. At all the loss, the loss of her own innocence. The loss of her own identity. The loss of friends. The loss of trust.

Taia moved over and wrapped her arms around her as well after laying the sleeping Jonas on a pillow, the two girls comforting the crying Bel by just holding her. She cried until all she could do was lay her head on Nina’s shoulder and stare at the door to the hut, her face and eyes red and puffy and her chest hurting. Taia’s and Nina’s hands rub along her back as they sat in silence. After awhile, Taia spoke quietly.

“Mayho sa quio le da soma. Ga ne parlo me sah.”

Bel nodded slowly as she hugged her sisters to her close, taking I the scents and the touches like a person wracked with hunger. “The heart is a mighty muscle. Yet also made of glass.” She whispered, translating the language to herself while she sat with her sisters on the pillows.

“Come back to us, Sayasi. The proper world isn’t for you. Your heart and your soul has been hurt too many times. You have lost yourself. Where is the girl that fought like a warrior?” Nina brushed her hair as she rocked Bel against her.

“I have to find myself, Sayasi. I walked to long in another’s shadow. And now that I find the shadow only causes me pain, I have to walk in the sun.” She hugged her sisters to her while she closes her eyes. “Thank you, my sayasi.”

She had a lot to think about. How someone who loves you would never hurt you. How innocence can come at a cost. And how it can also be taken away at a much larger cost. It was time to find out who she can trust to never hurt her again. And time to walk away from those that lost the trust she treasured so much.

Closed Doors

2009-04-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

I’m running fast but getting nowhere
I see the light but I never get there
I hope I wake when the morning gets here
your love is like a nightmare

feed me lies and cover with a smile of grace
promise me the truth and I’ll be saved
take away the pain and make my heart be brave
comfort me forever, I’m your slave

I know there will be a price to pay
I’ll feel the guilt tomorrow but I’m numb today
I’m dreaming.

- Nightmare – Black Rain

The smell of stale cigar and whiskey was overpowering, she could feel fingers dig into her skin and the hot, offensive breath fan across her face. She wrestled with the large man, kicking, biting and screaming. Finally escaping him and running down a long hallway, each side with endless doors that went on forever. She opened the first one and saw Seana and Sabrina; dancing together and embraced in a lover’s hug. She yelled at them, screaming for help. But they didn’t even look up. She ran to the next door and flung it open, standing and watching as Aurorablue and Lily played, each one as childlike as the other. She yelled for help but they continued to play, tossing a ball and chasing after it.

Every door was the same, everyone she loved not hearing her screams for help. Except for the last one. She flung it open and saw Immi. Standing there and looking at her. A smile crossing her face. She was dressed in a wedding gown and looked as ethereal as ever. Bel screamed at her… “Immi! Help! Please… please help me.” Bel fell to her knees but Immi just looked at her and smiled. It was then she noticed Duncan. He was dressed in a suit and he walked over to Immi and looked down at Bel while he took Immi’s hand. They laughed at her before turning around and walking off. Ignoring the sounds of Bel’s screams as sweaty hands wrapped around her waist and dragged her through the door, the door slamming behind them and shutting off Bel’s screams.

Bel woke up with a start, her body covered in sweat and a scream hanging on her lips as she looked around frantically. She was shaking like a leaf, her eyes wide as she took in her surroundings.

“He’s dead. It was a nightmare. He’s dead. He’s dead.” She whispered to herself as she curls up, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face into her knees, body shaking as she cried. She squeezed her eyes shut, ignoring the pain from her wounds while she tried to calm down. This one was worse than the last. The last one didn’t have… friends… family.

She had to sleep. This was the second night. She got up and walked over to her medical bag and pulled out an empty syringe. She fills it with sedative as she thinks to herself just how much she needed. She sat on the edge of the bed before she injects herself, Bel immediately feeling the warmth fill her and her eyes droop. She drops the empty syringe on the floor before curling up in bed again, her thoughts trying to trail over to something more peaceful before she finally gets some needed sleep…

Another Notch in Her Belt...

2009-04-07T16:33:00.001-07:00

If I arrive on your doorstep
Could you hold in the tears?
You let them go like falling stars
And passing through the years

You have to lose to really win
We both found out way too late
I'm running like I have no home
And all I can do now is sin

- Secondhand Girl – Shocking Pink

Belize looked down at the body with a look of unemotional quandary. Her eyes taking in the partial nakedness of the overweight, slovenly man who just minutes before had Bel pinned to the bed in her ship and tried to rape her. The man who traded sex for much needed supplies. Now, he was grey with green foam trickling out of his mouth, his pants wrapped around his ankle and his brown eyes staring out into nothing as he descended into his own personal hell. She felt the urge to kick him as she buttoned up her shirt, each button taking an eternity as she debated what to do.

She thought about what had happened before, her hand instinctively lifting to graze her fingers along her now swollen cheek and bloody lip. She pulled on her pants and looked at the airlock before down at the already swollen body. And she wondered idly if it was going to explode into a gooey mess all over her ship. So she tugged on his shoulders and hefted him into his own ship, dropping him near the cockpit while she got to work.

Sarge had taught her how to make bombs. Not huge bombs. Just big enough to cause bigger booms. So she had grabbed a few that she kept for “just in case” cases. This seemed like a “just in case” case. She set a few along the fuel lines and on the engine before setting one on him. She looked around for anything of importance and she hit on pay dirt. An envelope filled with money. She blinked at the amount and smirked as she slipped it into her shirt, Bel finally partaking in the urge and kicking him. Hard. Over and over in the crotch and chest. The whole time screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him very name she could think of.

She hurried back to her ship and closed the airlock, before jumping in her seat and taking off like a bat out of hell. She had set the charges for 15 minutes. She had 10 to go. She finally got far enough to turn around and watch the ship explode, a sense of release coming over her like a wave. It was only then she let herself lose control. She cried over the steering wheel as she thought about the events leading up to it all.

~ 1 hour earlier~

Otis Miley wasn’t the most sophisticated of men. He was rotund and red faced, constantly rubbing his nose along his sleeve and he smelled faintly of onions and sweat. Or maybe it was just sweat. His hair was barely there, tufts of black trailing along the back of his head. There seemed to be more on his body than his head. He talked like he had a brain, but Bel was pretty sure it was all an act.

She would have been glad to drop his acquaintance but he was able to get his hands on a lot of supplies that was hard to get in the verse. Namely the antibiotics that stop the infections from the Reaver’s weapons. She was in need of it after the night before and the excursion onto the asteroid that held the Reaver nest. Everyone got beat up pretty bad. Her included. She could still feel the bruising and stitches pull with every movement. She was sore as she could be. But she needed to make this trip. She just didn’t like how she had to pay.

She sat on the edge of the medical bed, a sheet wrapped around her naked form as she tried to ignore the scent of stale cigar and whiskey. She kept her eyes closed as she spoke. “My stuff is in my hold, right?” She glanced over at her shoulder at the disgusting man zipping up his fly and she shuddered at the memory of sacrifice.

“The stuff is there. Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.” He reached over and curled his fingers into her red locks and she pulled away before standing up.

“This is the last time, Miley. This isn’t going to happen again. I will find the stuff somewhere else.”

She felt the smack across her face even before she had a chance to know he had crossed over to stand in front of her. “Biaozi! You will do as I say or you will be blackballed among the traders and you will never get any of your precious medicine.” He snarled at her as he looked over her. He lifted her up by her hair and threw her back on the bed, the sheet falling off her as he dragged himself over her, pinning her legs down as he started to bite on her neck and shoulders, Bel wincing as he bites over the Reaver wounds from the night before. She looks up and notices a wayward syringe, recognizing the color of the serum inside. She grits her teeth as he paws at her breasts, his attention too focused on her body. She reaches up and grabs the syringe and in a quick move, stabs him in the neck and thrusting her thumb down on the plunger. She empties the green serum into his neck and he only had enough time to sit up and look at her in horror before she kicks him off her and he lands on the floor. His mouth starts foaming and he lays there still on the floor, gazing up at the ceiling.

“That’s what you get for not taking no for an answer.” She spits on him as she watches him slowly die. She was glad she mixed the paralyzing agent in the mix. Glad that he couldn’t even whimper as the pain from the mixture traveled from his jugular down into his system and finally to his heart. She knew the exact minute he died, his eyes went from pained to just there in a glassy eyed stare as she slid down to the floor and watched his body.

~Present~

Belize wiped away the tears as she watched the ship disintegrate, hoping that there wont be an investigation. She didn’t want anyone finding out about this one. Hopefully it will be tacked on as an accident in space. Or even better, he won’t be missed. She slowly turned Nightingale around and headed back to Hale’s.

A Brief Reunion

2009-04-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong because...

I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything's all right
And by then I'm sure I'll be
Pretending just like I am tonight

- Never Let This Go – Paramore

Bel stood at the spot she told Xaviar she would be meeting him at, excitement bubbling in her like a teapot ready to explode. She missed her cousin so much. She couldn’t wait to see him again. She looked up as she heard the engine of a large ship and she smiled, covering her eyes from the sun while it slowly descended. It seemed like eons, but when the ship finally landed, Bel got on the scooter that Nina gave her and headed over to meet her adopted family.

First one out of the hull was Bridgette. She had cut her hair and the short black tendrils fanning around her face as she bounced along the sand before finally nearly tackling Bel. She leaned back and signed to her, hands so fast that Bel had to tell her to slow down.

“Oh Bel!” She signed. “I missed you so much. Everyone has! We had so much fun on Deadwood. Maggie’s parents were so nice and they gave us all kinds of supplies. I think I will be baking all kinds of things for this crew.”

Bel looked over her shoulder and smiled as she saw everyone else wander over and when Bel saw Xaviar, she almost burst into tears. She missed him so much.

When Bridgette noticed Bel’s gaze, she turned and smiled, getting out of the way before the taller red head could run her over.

Bel ran. So hard and so fast that she felt like she was flying. She tackled Xaviar and hugged him tight, arms wrapped around his shoulders as she started crying into his neck. His arms wrapped around her tightly as he started to shh her. Rubbing along her back while she took in his warmth and scent and familiarity.

She could hear the concerned whispers around her as she clung to Xaviar, holding onto him while she tried to calm down. She missed him so much she could barely think straight.

When she finally looks up, the first set of eyes she sees is Logan’s. She smiles at him then slides down Xaviar before rubbing her eyes and looking around.

Everyone engulfed her, wrapping arms and ruffling her short hair as she hugged and greeted this rag tag band of pirates she called her family. She ran back to her bike and brought back the gifts she got for everyone. Blushing as she handed Logan the framed picture of herself on Persephone. Jared took a picture of her helping a little girl with a teddy bear. The teddy bear “broke” his little leg and she was beside herself thinking her little friend was hurting. Bel had told her that hugs is always a good way to make a friend feel better. And after carefully wrapping the little teddy bear’s leg, she led the little girl to the cafeteria. The shot was of Bel, looking down at the pretty little blond girl, a teddy bear complete with leg bandages, clutched in the little arms. Their hands clutched to each other while Bel led her away.

He looked at the photo before looking back at Bel. “Thank you, Bel.” He hugged her tight and kissed her cheek before whispering in her ear. “I will treasure this always.”

Bel blushed harder as she smiled at Logan. “Its to remind you that everyone has a good heart, Logan. You just have to remember to open up yours to see it.” She kisses his cheek back before turning to Bridgette.

The package was small, inside a silver necklace with a medium sized oval locket. Engraved on the back is… More of a Sister than I could Hope For.. Inside, a picture of the three of them… Xaviar, Bel and Bridgette, hamming it up to the camera as JJ took the shot.

“Thank you, Bel.” Bridgette hugged her tight before slipping the necklace around her neck, sniffling back silent tears as she looked at Xaviar.

Bel handed Maggie a box before whispering into her ear. “Open it while you are alone. I am sure you will know exactly what to do with it.” She smiled as she winked at the pilot before handing Plumb a bottle of Blackburne Gin. “Special edition, Belize Gin. Don’t ask how its named. Just enjoy it and have fun.” She chuckles as she moves over to JJ and hugs him tight. She hands him a set of brand new tools. Something she picked up from Persephone. He seemed overjoyed and hugged her before running back into the ship to put them into his bunk. She refuses to think of what he does with the tools, instead she turns to Xaviar.

“May we… speak alone?” He nods as the others drift back onto the ship, leaving Bel and Xaviar alone to talk by the ship.

“You got my message?”

“Yes… about the third sister. Your guess is as good as mine. Must of happened before I was born or shortly thereafter when I wouldn’t remember much.” He rubbed his now beard stubble chin as she looked up at him.

“What do we do, Xaviar? I want more family. But… this is too much for me. I don’t know what to do or how to react to this.” She kicked at the sand before looking at him. “Do I follow through? Or do I leave it alone and not even think about it? What do I do?”

He stood there and rubbed Bel’s back as he thought about it. “This is something that will affect mostly you, Bel. What is your gut reaction? What do you want to do? Not what you think is best. But what is best for you?”

Bel leaned her head on his chest while she thought about it, teeth worrying against her bottom lip while she took in deep breaths. “To remain quiet. To keep this a secret and not think about it. To go on as if it never happened.” She looks up at Xaviar and he nods with a smile.

“Then that is your answer. Because how you feel wont change when everyone knows. Do what is best for you, Belize.” He kisses her forehead before looking down at her. “You cut your hair again.”

She reaches up and fingered the really short tendrils while she nods. “Yes… At this rate, I will never be beautiful with long hair.” She chuckled nervously as she glances up at him.

”Hush… you are beautiful and amazing and everything a guy would ever want. I mean, how many guys have their own walking first aid kit?” He laughed as she punched him on the shoulder.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a journal. One she found among her mother’s. “Mother wrote this. After she left Persephone. It’s a book of letters. Unsent letters to you… to your mom… to Grandfather. Everyday for a year. I thought you… would like it.” She handed the old leatherbound book to Xaviar with a smile as she looked up at him.

He took it and looked at it before looking down at Bel. “Thank you, Bel.” He looked as though he was about to cry. But he leaned down and kissed her cheek. He sighed as he looked over at the door and noticed Plumb was there.

“I have to go, hon. Heading to Jubilee. Plumb heard of an opportunity and we have to take it before it falls down the tubes.” He leans over and kisses her sweetly on the forehead. “Take care of yourself, Bel. Love you so much and Miss you so much.” He grins. “Next time we swing by, we will have to steal you for the wedding.”

“Wedding! You and… Bridge!?” She hugged him as he nodded and she smiles brightly. “Oh… good. Don’t make me wear anything too frou frou, okay?” He laughed as he ruffled her hair. “Don’t count on that. Bridgette is all about the satin and bows.”

With a final goodbye, Bel jumped on her bike and backed up, watching as Xaviar and Bridge and everyone she loved lifted off. She watched until they disappeared into the atmosphere and she rubbed her cheek to soak in all the love from every kiss she got.

With a soft smile, she pulls down her goggles and heads back to Nina’s and her ship, decisions made about everything she needed.

(Note from Player : I feel so much better writing in a third person. So from here... the narratives now become standard. Everything will be written in the third person. Thanks!!)

Me Against The World (A Narrative - Part 9)

2009-04-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've got to prove them wrong
They'll never bring us down

We'll never fall in line
I'll make it on my own
Me against the world

- Me Against The World – Simple Plan

Belize stared up at the ceiling in her new little apartment on Hale’s, the tshirt and shorts almost not enough for the cool nights of the rock. She knew it was morning the way the sun peeked out from behind the thick curtains. She finally wrestled herself out of bed and wiped herself down before she got dressed in the leather pants and black and blue checkered vest. After wrestling with her boots, she laid back on the couch and relaxed while she stared at the front door.

In here, she was safe. No heart breaking decisions. No contact with despair or depression. And no contact with sorrow and sadness. She debated with herself for what seemed like hours, but her cortex beeped and alas, it was only a couple minutes. She picked it up and read the message.

Good… Xaviar is swinging by for a brief visit before heading off to Jubilee. This will give her time to discuss the Third Sister incident. See what he thought. Get his advice.

She typed in a short reply before finally getting up and heading out the door, careful to lock her door and stuffing her keys into her bag before heading around the corner to Seana’s office. She had business to discuss. Time to put down real roots. Stay and not leave. Keep her busy and so forth. She saw her bus as she moved closer to the office and she sighed happily. Looked like the old gal is doing well. She will dust off the engine here soon.

She wandered up the stairs and found Sea at the desk, hunched over some paperwork. Even when she was doing paperwork, she looked calm and serene. She looked up as if Bel made a sound and smiled brightly.

”Hey Bel!”

Bel smiled at her and walked over to give the smaller woman a hug. She felt safe and warm with Sea and Sabrina. Each one making her feel happy and content. Between her and Sarah, Bel knew that she always had a ear to bend and a shoulder to cry on.

“Well, Sis. Got your wish, Im here to stay. Now, where do I set up office?” She said this jokingly, knowing that Gallagher… as absent as he was lately, was still the rock doctor. So it surprised her when Sea spoke.

“Box up Gallagher’s stuff and take over. He’s gone all the time. Im sure he will understand. You are dedicated and willing to stay. He’s got his adventures to take care of.”

Bel blinked a bit before smiling brightly. “Well, I can bounce back and forth from here to Blackburne with no problem. I am at your service.” She salutes before sitting down and crossing her legs.

“So… Lily is still alive, Aurora is missing and Im here to stay. Wonder what you are going to put in the paper, Sea?” She chuckled as she leaned back in her seat before turning to look out the large windows that looked out into Hale’s busiest street.

“How are you doing, Bel?” She could hear the concern in her voice even if she wasn’t looking at the pintsized ball of thunder that worked her way into Bel’s heart. Sea and Sabrina had become her sisters almost immediately. Standing back with worried hearts as Bel went through the darkest moments of her life… well, this time.

“I think I am getting better, Sis. You know? One day at a time and all that. When I was on Persephone, I would stand out on the balcony of the house Mom grew up in and watch the men and women come and go. Hand in hand, arm in arm. And I would wonder… what made him fall in love with her. What was it about that particular woman that made his heart fall into her hands with such ferocity that he would kill or die for her?” She takes a deep breath as she watched a flyer move across the street, the paper wafting in the invisible breeze while she tried to find the words.

“Oh, guys will say that they don’t know why. Sometimes the heart just… knows. But I could never believe that. There had to be something. Something that lit that spark. Eyes, hair, build. Was she smart? Courageous? Dark and mysterious? Bright and joyful? Did she have a large family? Or small one? Or no family at all? You cant just fall in love with someone without knowing them fully. Their wants and desires. Their fears and loves. Love isn’t just… love at first sight. Love is knowing this person so much that you know what they want before they even say it. Know what they need before they even need it. Two halves of a whole.”

She turned in her chair and smiled at Sea, the look of calm and serenity and finally… for the first time in almost half a year, she felt content and happy. And so full of knowledge she felt her body begin to burst with it.

“And then I realized. Everyone has half a soul. Half a heart. You have Sabrina. Nack… well, he’s just a lucky SOB that has both Laur and Lorie. And then Chol has Amy.” She shakes her head and smiles at Sea with a knowing smile. “Mine is out there, Sea. I know it. But they are not going to find me if I keep running off. They will show up. They will fly in and complete my heart. They will be deserving of me. They will deserve my love, my heart, my soul, my trust and my knowledge. And when that day comes, Sea. I will find happiness so pure that no one will recognize me. And there will be no fear of him ever leaving my side because, Sea… he will hurt just as much if not more to even leave my side.”

And for the first time in months she believed it. She believed every minute. And when she looked at Sea, she saw that she knew it too. Both women smiling goofily at each other. “Its just me against the world, Sea.”

Remember to Breath (A Narrative - Part 8)

2009-04-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide

And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone

She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everything's about to fall apart
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

- The Trick Is To Keep Breathing – Garbage

3 Months Ago

The ringing in her ears couldn’t drown out the echoing of gunfire that surrounded her like a death shroud. She closed her eyes and wiped the blood off her cheek with the back of her hand as she quietly named all the bones in the body.

Phalanges, Metatarsals, Tarsals, Fibula, Tibia…

She could feel her breathing calm down slowly with each tick off the mental skeleton in her head, her eyes finally opening as her name was called. She lifted her hand and pointed the long, silver gun around the corner, noticing an Alliance soldier inching up to where Logan was hunched behind a crate.

Bel sucked in a breath and squeezed the trigger, the bullet finding its home inside the Alliance soldier’s neck. She mentally cursed at herself, meaning to aim for the heart. She reminded herself she needed to practice more as she ran over to where Logan was sitting.

“Damn, girl. Thought for sure you were gonna freeze up.” He clutched his shoulder as he looked up at her, his blonde hair mussed by his hand running through it. She could see streaks of blood dried along the ends. His eyes were dark with pain and the hand clutching the shoulder was coated with blood.

The doc in her woke up instantly and she handed her gun to him even as she was pulling out bandages and her forceps as she surveyed the damage. “Got the bastard, but I don’t know how safe we are. I gotta remove this bullet then stop the bleeding. I can help you back to the boat, but I can’t carry you, Logan. You have to walk.” Even as she spoke she was ripping his tshirt and pouring antiseptic over the wound. She could feel him stiffen and hear his intake of breath at the sudden burning before she grabbed the syringe with a local numbing agent inside. “Tough it up, this is field work.” She injected the agent inside as her head popped up over the crate to look at the fiasco, silently praying for everyone as she bit her lip.

“I can tough it up, Akage. If you can stop sticking your head up and giving then a target to shoot at.” He pulled her down and she almost landed on his lap. He chuckled huskily as she sat back up and glared at him.

“Is it numb?” She asked frostily.

“Is what… OW!” A string of curses escapes his lips as Bel cut into his shoulder to open the wound more to retrieve the bullet. She smirked at the curses as she reaches down to grab her forceps, pressing into the hold and digging inside before she finds the bullet.

“Bonzai…” She smiles as she pulls it out and drops it into Logan’s open hand. She winks at him as she sews up the wound, hoping the novocain lasts. Finally, she puts gauze over the wound before taping it down and patting his shoulder. “Sounds like the gunfire is further down. Lets get you up.” She stands up and hefts Logan to his feet, her eyes darting around before she starts to half walk and half drag Logan to the boat.

The gunshot from Logan beat the burning pain in her thigh, the pain so familiar to her she knew exactly what it was. He was half turned in her arms, the gun she gave him pointed down a soldier laying dead on the floor, a gun in his hands and a bullet between his eyes. She reached down to her thigh and grumps heatedly. “This is not good. Xaviar is going to kill me.” She winces as she starts to limp. He stops her and sighs.

“Get on my back.” He turned around and leaned down some, inviting her onto his back with a smirk that was more endearing than teasing. She thought about his shoulder before she crawls up on his back, wrapping her good leg around his waist while his good shoulder helps lift her bad leg to his waist as well.

As Logan ran himself and Bel back to the safety of the ship, Bel kept breathing. Her heart kept beating. And her thoughts kept running. The migraine that infected her thoughts and sight forgotten for now.

Discoveries Unlocked (A Narrative - Part 7)

2009-04-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting away
And though I'm trying my hardest you back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

- Best for Last – Adele

She stared at the piece of paper. The words swimming around in a spiral of coherent and incoherent. She wasn’t crying. She had shed enough tears to fill an ocean. She was sore from head to toe with pain wracked sobs that filled her body. She had stopped crying and started living only just recently. And now this…

Walter and Sarah stared at her as she accessed the information. Worried eyes scanning over her features, looking for a crack in her demeanor. But she stood there. Unmoving as she stared at the paper. She wasn’t even reading anymore. She was taking the time to really think of what this means. What this meant. A whole new pain crept into her heart and she grits her teeth as she thought of the consequences. What would the outcome be if this got out? What would happen if everything was found out?

Finally, she looked up and laid the paper down on the table in front of her. With a calm she learned to control, a calm that can be construed as her being icy and unfeeling, she spoke. “Do they have any claim to my estate?” She eyed Walter, ignoring the shocked look on Sarah’s face as she watched the woman with concern.

He looked at her for what seemed to be an eon before speaking. “From what I gathered, since I wasn’t the barrister in charge then, your grandfather completely wrote her out of the will. I was quite surprised that he kept your mother in his will. I don’t know what she did to be written out, but obviously it was worse than running off and marrying a poor doctor.” He smiled at her knowing that above all else, Bel was proud of her mother for that. “In fact, he made changes to the will only…” He adjusted his glasses as he scanned the paper before looking back at Bel. “25 years ago to include any of Miss Geneva’s heirs.”

That startled Bel, her mind working before quirking a brow at Sarah. “Do you think he knew about me?” She asked the older woman who she now considered a close confidant. “If he did… why did he let us stay on Blackburne? Why didn’t he help us?”

Walter interrupted with a cough. “I believe he did. There is a bank account in your name. He opened it. He put in money every month. This is what it’s worth now.” He slid a paper towards Bel and she gaped at the amount. “Oh my…” she whispers before she looks at Walter. She takes a deep breath and frowns before nodding at Walter. “Transfer that amount over to her account.” She doesn’t say the third aunt’s name because then it would seem uncannily real. “Only... a quarter of it. The rest I want in this account.” She scribbles down an account number, one she knew by heart because she had opened it up. She was going to give it as a wedding present. Now… now she doesn’t know what she will give it as.

Walter takes the paper and slips it into his pocket before nodding. “I will take care of that as soon as possible, Miss Bel. What do you want me to do about the family?” He looked both curious and concerned about the look on Bel’s face as she contemplated this.

“Nothing. Do absolutely nothing. This is something I have to take care of myself in my own time. Thank you, Walter for being so thorough.”

“I only wish, Miss Bel, you will trust me enough to tell me what is going on.”

“When the time is right, Walter. When the time is right. Im not only protecting myself, Im protecting you and Sarah as well.”

Then she told them her plans. Sarah will stay on Persephone and in the house Bel grew up in. She will be the caretaker as well as her home. Bel will return to Persephone for brief visits. But she will not stay long. Walter will keep her updated on legal matters and financial needs. And he will give her an account that is… well, more legal than the other five she has to keep track of.

There was a lot Bel had to think about. So much information that she had to process it. The fourteen hour ride back to Hale’s was just what the doctor ordered.

Walking Backwards In My Life (A Narrative - Part 6)

2009-03-30T17:18:00.001-07:00

Walking backwards in my life,
Seeing all that is behind me.
Not noticing the light,
That is ready to accept me.
I have broken many vows,
I have lost so many truths.
My heart feels like a rock,
Sitting heavy in my chest.
I need to turn around,
And face the life that’s for me.
I cant help but wonder now,
Who’s waiting in the light.

She stared down at the table in front of her, arms folded against her and face blank with emotion. She leaned back in the chair, the least ladylike pose she could muster. Internally, she was wondering what she was going to do. She was reciting her rabbit poem in her head over and over again.. Usagi, Usagi.. The wait was killing her. But she didn’t let one ounce of emotion come out. Instead, she focused on her breathing and tried not to let the bright lights get to her.

It seemed like eons when the door opened and the straight laced, obviously Alliance officer walked in. He sat down and opened the file, Bel didn’t even move. Didn’t even flinch. She just looked at him and continued to breath easily.

“Belize Mae Carver… Daughter of Geneva and Jonas Carver. Is that correct?” He didn’t look up, but when Bel didn’t answer, he slowly looked up at her. She recognized that look. One that meant to intimidate her. She had seen it on many a visiting soldier that landed on Blackburne and tried to seduce her into bed. As lonely as she was, she was strong enough to resist them.

“Miss Carver. I expect an answer. The faster we get this finished, the faster you can get out of here.” He looked sternly at her. The man hadn’t aged kindly. Lines of stress coating his face and she could smell enough smoke off of him to roll a cigarette just off his shirt. He was slightly overweight, but obviously out of shape, and his salt and pepper hair was drab and flat.

She sat up some and crossed her legs before she answered. “My parents were Geneva And Jonas Carver. I was born on Blackburne 26 years ago. I have no siblings. My mother died when I was 6 my father died when I was 16. Mother died from an illness, Father died when he was attacked by Reavers.” She saw his expression at the mention of Reavers and she continued. “I witnessed it and ran. A… man saved me and we parted ways. I lived with the nomads of the Blackburne Wastes until I traveled into town and got a job. I learned a good portion of my medical training from my certified doctor father, then more from various doctors that came into Blackburne. What I didn’t know, I learned on my own.” She tilts her head. “Anything else?”

He watched her then glanced at the mirror before looking down at his notes. “What happened with Peter Jacobs?” He was writing something and she didn’t care much what it was.

“He had a clot in his superior vena cava..” She dumbed it down for him. “A major valve to his heart. It could lead to a heart attack. But it was completely fixable if he had proper care before the need for surgery. If he would have seen a doctor before this that young man would still be alive.” She stared at him as she spoke, the smell of blood still strong in her memory. His baby face and bright green eyes watching her with trust before she put him under. She would never forget this one. She never really forgets any she lost. Everyday she wakes up to each and every face flashing in her memory.

He continues writing and she glances over at the mirror from the corner of her eye. She can see a bit of frustration on his face before he finally looks up. “We had a coroner look over him and Jacob’s medical records. He found nothing wrong with what you did. And that is the only reason why we are not going to throw you in jail. Now, there is one other reason why we brought you in here.” He slides two pictures across the table to her and she glances down.

Go-se….

She keeps her emotions and facial features in check as she looks over the obvious mug shots of Imrhien Fargis. One of a younger Immi. The other… taken just a few weeks ago. She shook her head and shrugged a bit. “Cant say I have ever seen this one. I see a lot of miscreants coming through the towns I help. None look like her.” She slides the pictures back over the table toward the man before he nods and puts them into the folder.

“Wait right here, Miss Carver. We may have some more questions for you.” He pulls himself out of the chair and saunters out the door. Bel shakes her head and leans back in the chair to look up into the bright lights while her eyes close. It is only the sound of the door opening and closing does she look back into the room.

This one took her by surprise. She has seen a lot of female Alliance soldiers, none looked like her. Tall, blonde and stunningly beautiful with red lips and blue eyes. All she could think of was… hot damn, I do believe Sea and Sabs would love to be in my position right now. She kept her emotions in check though as she straightened up. She felt a bit of malice toward the new person. She was the kind of person that put very woman’s self confidence in check.

She sat down and leaned forward in her seat, opening another folder and scanning through it before looking at Bel. “Miss Carver. May I call you Belize?”

“Belize is fine.” Bel muttered as she watched the lady curiously.

“Belize. You are…” She looks over her notes. “You are Xaviar Kiranov’s cousin, is that correct? His mother and your mother are sisters?”

Bel nodded yes before saying it for sure. “Yes. He… was my cousin.” Bel sniffed a bit, letting her face convey sadness as she thought about Xaviar. Hopefully they will misconstrue it as grief.

“Im sorry for your loss, Belize. Im sure the third sister has children.” She said this as a matter of factly as if Bel knew all along about a third sister.

She sat there in silence. Head mulling over the new information. Wondering what the hell was she talking about. “Third… sister?”

The woman didn’t even look up. Instead she went on as if not even hearing Bel. “Now, this is a warning. You are a brilliant surgeon and doctor. Jared Larson spoke highly of your skills. Said that you were a doctor without the certificate. Now, Belize, we know you are a Browncoat. Someone from the rim always are. And I know you would rather kill us than be with us. But you can NOT be a doctor on Persephone without a degree. I don’t know and I don’t care what they do out there in the rim with the undignified people but if you want to be a doctor, you have to follow us, do you understand Miss Carver?”

She looked at Bel and then blinked in surprise as Bel laughed at her. “Sweetheart, I have seen things you will never believe or understand. So that speech and that look… will never work on me. Until you are face to face with a snarling, nasty, smelly Reaver who would rather eat your heart out than shake your hand, you will never understand. As for the undignified people of the rim? At least we don’t go killing off innocent men and women for the sake of science. Or have you forgotten Miranda? Now, am I free to go or do I have to call my lawyer?” She mentally thought of Walter and wondered if he was the force to be reckoned with that Sarah said he was.

The look on Blondie’s face was that of someone who didn’t think anyone on the rim knew big words. Bel took this opportunity to stand up and lean in, palms flat on the table while she eyed the unnaturally blonde officer. “Now listen here, Miss.. whatever your name is. I don’t care if this throws me back into the clink with the rest of the innocent people you picked up for jaywalking or speaking their minds. I don’t care what you say. I am a doctor. A better doctor than any other doctor you have. And I am not afraid to say I am even better than Jared Larson. But if it means being a heartless robot of a corporation that finds satisfaction from killing others to gain power in the ‘verse, I would rather be a medic for the rest of my life. Now… put me in your database as an outspoken miscreant if you want. I rightly don’t care. Because I will spend the rest of my life fixing what you… so called… dignified people screwed up.”

She stands up and tilts her head to the door. “Am I free to leave?”

Blondie glared at her and pursed her lips before nodding. “Yes, Miss Carver. You are free to leave.”

Bel had never felt so much satisfaction as walking out of that room. As she turned the corner she met up with Sarah and Walter, the older woman embraced her into a bear hug that was sure to break a few ribs.

“Come on, My Bel. Lets go home.” She ushered Bel out the door and into the moonlight. Bel still wondering who the third sister is… She had an aunt. And maybe more cousins.

Hope from the depths of the Waste (A Narrative - Part 5)

2009-03-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

How does it feel when you're lost and blind
Loneliness is your only guide
And how does it feel when you're black inside
Numbness calls from your inner eye

- Dead Inside – Danzig

Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

Her father used to quote this beautiful passage by Alexander Pope to Bel over and over again until the girl had it down by heart. Able to recite it at the drop of a hat. She even believed it. She even believed the old Earth That Was fable of Pandora and her magic box. How all of the world’s ills escaped except for hope.

Bel thought long and hard about that word. Hope. It has broken her heart more times than she can imagine. She had a hope for the future. She had a hope for love. She had a hope for a family. And she lost all of them. She lost hope for outside influences. All she had left is the hope that her cousin will be back. Hope that he will live forever with his beautiful girl and have many fat happy babies and live to be an old man. She had hope that Lily finds her AuroraBlue and finally finds the happiness a… well, she didn’t know what Lily was. But she hoped she could find whatever she is looking for. She hoped Td found whatever he was looking for. She hoped Seana and Sabrina happiness in so many ways. She hoped… She hoped Immi finally found her happiness with Duncan.

She sunk down in the tub, a fine film of dust and blood laying the top. Bel made designs in the film, drawing stars and hearts and swirls while she debated on that word.

Hope.

Did she have any hope left for herself? She thought about Nina. How she went to her mother’s grave to lay some wildflowers down and found Nina waiting for her. Taia was pregnant and about to give birth.

Little Taia. The doe eyed youth that followed Nina and Bel around like a puppy as the two older girls walked the Wastes in search of food and scraps to sell. Taia was her first patient. The young girl falling and cutting her leg. The blood was intense. Coating the sand and the dirt and her clothes in a matter of minutes. Even at 13, Bel knew that the little 8 year old had cut an artery. She tore off a strip of cloth and tightened it around Taia’s leg, cutting off the blood while she wrapped it up. Her scarf was ruined now. Papa would understand. She picked Taia up and carried her on her back for the miles to the small shack she shared with her dad. He threw opened the door in surprise and tended to Taia while Bel cleaned up and Nina looked at her with an almost sense of awe. She knew then that Nina was going to be devoted to her. As she was already devoted to Nina.

Nina reminded her of Immi. Except Nina was blond with bright green eyes… contrasting with Immi’s dark look. But they were fighters. Eager to meet a reaver head on. Or a beast foaming at the mouth with madness.

Bel had followed Nina back to the tribe, greeting old friends before meeting the chief of the tribe. She gave her offering. A box of clothes for the younger tribe members who were too young to hunt for hides. He accepted gratefully, calling her Medicine Woman, the name he called her even in her youth. Even after she returned after killing Sarge.

She met with Taia and hugged the now large with child woman before examining her. It was a simple birth, nothing the natives could of handled. But she was glad she was here to see this amazing miracle of childbirth. She held the red, crying child in her arm as she cut the cord. She examined the screaming boy before handing him over to Taia. She hadn’t realized she was crying. Her face wet with tears. She dabbed them away before shy, meek little Taia called her name.

“If it is alright with you, Belize. I want to call him… Jonas Belize.”

If she wasn’t already crying, Bel would have been sobbing by now. She hugged Taia and smiled as she caressed the dark haired baby, suckling happily on Taia’s breast.

“It would be our honor, Taia. Thank you.” She called the chief in, letting Taia whisper to him before he turned to Belize with an air of authority.

“Taia wishes for you to be the guardian when the time comes. If Taia or her husband, Markus perishes. You are the mother of young Jonas Belize.”

Bel sat in the cold tub water, almost too lazy to bring herself out. She finally does, wrapping a robe around herself before heading over to the bed and sitting down. Her thoughts returning to everything she hoped for. And then she realized with an amused chuckle… that child has done the impossible. He gave her hope. It may be a flicker. It may be a spark. But it’s hope..

Everyone I love, Goes Away In The End (A Narrative - Part 4)

2009-03-26T23:09:00.001-07:00

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

-Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay

There was too much blood, too much to see through. She fought in vain to find the leak. Her body shaking as she squinted behind her mask and glasses. Bel recited her song, singing in Japanese the song about the rabbit on the moon. She barely noticed the young woman standing across from her, suctioning up the blood from the wound. The heartbeat pinging on the monitor next to her was like a mantra…

Live… Live… Live… Live…

So when the beeping stopped. And all she could hear was the long whine of a heart not beating, Bel sprung into action. Injecting adrenaline into the still heart before trying desperately to revive the young man striving to be an Alliance soldier. The young man who had a dark spot in his heart for Browncoats because they killed his pa. She shocked his heart, pounded on it, massaged it.

By the time it was over, Bel was covered in blood and there was one less boy to become a soldier of a faction she hated above all else. But she didn’t see a potential threat lying on that table. She saw a young boy, cut from his prime. Never able to make a decision that could change his life forever.

The young assistant left, probably to tell the doctor on duty what had happened. It was enough time for Bel’s Irish to come up. She looked at the boy and all she could see was a waste. If his mother had brought him in earlier. He would have been okay. A simple operation to fix his heart. A simple operation to fix it and all his mother had to do was take him to his doctor.

That was all it took for Bel to get angry. Very angry. Her hand clutched the scalpel, tight and cold even through her glove. She turned and threw the scalpel at the door, barely missing the tall black haired doctor that had just walked through it. He looked over his shoulder at the quivering scalpel imbedded into the dark wood of the door. He didn’t look scared. He didn’t even look shaken. He casually and quietly reached up and tugged at the scalpel, a puzzled look in his face before he really pulled, tugging at the metal tool before walking over to Bel and setting it on the table beside her. He pulled a sheet over the young man before turning to her.

“Im sorry.” His hazel eyes looked over her as if he expected her to lose it right then and there. The scar never taking away from his handsomeness, nor his intelligence as it zig-zagged along his features from temple to chin. An Alliance doctor from the war, jaded by the politics of it all and finally leaving the Alliance to help Browncoats and Alliance alike. Bel instantly found a mentor in him. Standing in awe of his brilliance and his intelligence as well as his dedication to actually helping people. He leaned against the table and watched her while she pulled off her mask.

“Thank you, Jared. It is just a waste. He was barely 16. So much to live.” She tossed the mask across the room before leaning forward until her forehead was planted on his chest and she was looking down at his feet.

Uniforms were not really needed. No doctor’s coat. No staunch suit. Bel still feels overdressed compared when she shows up in a vest, shirt and pants. Jared always wearing a flannel shirt and pants with jeans. At the moment, she looked down at his boots and sighed before shaking her head. “This is the one thing I hate about this, Jared.”

She felt his arms wrap around her shoulders and he chuckled lightly. “The day you love something like this, Jiji, I will certainly make sure you realize it.” He lifts her head with his fingers under her chin and he smiles. “You should of seen me the day I lost my first patient. I got so drunk that I was sure I enlisted in the Alliance twice. So don’t go beating yourself up.”

Bel had to laugh. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that he wasn’t her first patient lost. She had lost dozens on Blackburne and Hale’s and she had learned a long time ago to deal with it. Just this time with everything that happened to her the past few months. And now this morning. She felt herself snap.

She shouldn’t have opened that cortex this morning. The letter was short. Brief. Exactly the way she expected it to be. He wasn’t coming back. He was never coming back. He walked away and left his friends and family behind and even though she knew this was going to happen, it still killed her. She lost so much already. And now… she lost the only real rock in her life. She felt afraid to put her trust and faith in anyone else. She didn’t even cry when she found out he left. Not a tear. And she refused to. No more tears for those that walk away willingly. They made their choice.

She heard the sigh and she looked up at Jared before nodding. “I don’t act like this. I promise. Im more professional.” She shrugged as she turned away and started taking off her apron. “I have to inform his mother.” She felt the tug on her shirt before she turned to look at him.

“Not like that you aren’t.” She looked down at herself and sighed. Her white sleeves where stained with blood and so was her pants and chest. Anywhere the apron didn’t cover, she was..

“I will take care of the mother. You clean up. Go home. Have some tea. Take a bath.” He reached over and cupped her cheek as he spoke. “Tell Sarah hi for me.” With that, he left into the next room to tell the mother.

Bel lifted herself up from the table and took one look at the child before shaking her head. “I hope you find peace, Peter Jacobs. I hope you find peace.” She grabbed a lab coat from the hook by the door, covering herself up so no one would see the blood as she walked out the door and headed back home, her thoughts shifting from love lost… to family dwindling into nothing.

Unpredictable (A Narrative - Part 3)

2009-03-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

“Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born a hundred million years and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. There was a peace, a serenity, an absence of all sense of responsibility, an absence of worry, an absence of care, grief, perplexity; and the presence of a deep content and unbroken satisfaction in that hundred million years of holiday which I look back upon with a tender longing and with a grateful desire to resume, when the opportunity comes.”

-Mark Twain

She sat in her apartment and looked up at the ceiling, frowning some while she thought about the days past. Her feet were propped up on the coffee table and there was a glass of wine in her hand. She had forgiven Immi and Duncan. She actually felt at peace. An almost perfected serenity washed over her while she sipped the wine, thinking of the past days, and wondering what it all meant to her. There wasn’t much to think about. Just two big things and several insignificant.

Lily was dead. Died while giving birth to AuroraBlue Littleboots. One gold cats eye and one eerie blue eye. Wild blond hair that seems to whip around her face and the energy of a starship sailing across the skies. Her intelligence is off the scales yet she has the mentality of a child.

She didn’t know what to think, her brows furrowed in thought as she sipped the wine, her eyes wandering over the room she calls her home for now. She felt unease watching the child run around, introducing herself to everyone. Barely two days old and able to run and walk and talk and think. Each day growing in some way or another. And Bel couldn’t help but realize that it scared her. Lily had scared her, and now… AuroraBlue scares her. When she sees them, she sees something that could kill you… then giggle over a piece of chocolate just mere minutes later. Unstable would be one thing that comes to mind. But that is not it.

Unpredictable.

The word flew at her like a knife and she frowned at the thought of it. Unpredictable. What would this child do to the town if she threw a tantrum? What would happen to a person if she got it in her head that someone was an enemy, but wasn’t. She thought about Xaviar and realized he was safe, along with Bridgette and Maggie and JJ and Plumb.

And Logan. She thought a lot about him these days. How he held her when she cried and how he told her to get over it. She felt the same warmth and compassion from him as she felt from Sarah. Just… more male. She felt a tug and she closed her eyes, letting the warmth of the wine wash over her as she thought about warm arms holding her and warm breath kissing along her jaw.

Her eyes snapped open and she shook her head before reaching over and setting her wine on the counter. She had lied to everyone. Said she was barren. Sterile. Unable to have children. It was partially true. She had been injecting herself with hormone shots for months now. The one part of her that was easy to control. Suppressing the urge to mate, to be with another man in that capacity. Normally it works. Lately its been a ball of chaos. Because she realized her wants changed from hormones to mental and she couldn’t control mental. Not after that serum did to her.

She pulled out the right vial and a syringe and put in the 3mm of clear liquid before slowly injecting it into her shoulder. After tossing the syringe into the compactor, she cleaned up the wine and then undressed for bed, picking a dark emerald green top and green shorts. She washed off all her makeup and set her glasses on the end table before climbing into bed. She curled up under the covers and closed her eyes, letting the days and nights wash away. Hoping that tonight she will dream a good dream. Something she hasn’t done in ages.

A Busy Day (A Narrative - Part 2)

2009-03-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got so old
I felt like I could die
Yesterday I got so old
It made me want to cry
Go on go on
Just walk away
Your choice is made
Go on go on
And disappear
Go on go on
Away from here
And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn’t be me and be her
In between without you
Without you
- In Between Days by The Cure

Belize lifted her face up to the bright sunshine on Persephone, blissfully ignoring the sounds and voices that lifted around her like a fog. It only took a minute for her to shake it off, the sound of Sarah’s voice poking through the hazy introspective like a sharp needle.

“You are looking happier, My Bel.” Sarah had taken to calling her My Bel, since the agreement was that she wouldn’t try to convert her into her flock of sheep. In fact, Sarah was quite adamant that it wouldn’t happen at all. She was in the opinion that people make choices and it was respectful to accept them.

Bel had changed into a kimono dressing gown that Grei had given her for her birthday, the rich blues and greens and purples making her hair brighter than usual. They were sitting over breakfast, a cup of hot tea cradled between her hands.

She looked over at Sarah and smiled, really enjoying the older woman’s company. Sarah had taken down her hair and let the braid hang down her back. She had remarkably long hair. And it wasn’t just white, in the morning sun the silver shone like glass.

“Im feeling… relaxed, Sarah.” She wasn’t ready to say she was happy. But she did feel relaxed. Sarah and she had spent half the night talking. Well, Bel did most of the talking. Telling her all about her month with her cousin and how she finally felt useful and wanted. And then on Hale’s how she felt more wanted than she had in years. How Seana and Sabrina folded her into their little rag tag family and how she called them her sisters. And most of all she told her about Immi. How she was strangely attracted to her in a very sisterly way. Always wanted to protect her and see her happy. As if Immi’s happiness coincided with her happiness. And how everyday, no matter what, Bel missed Immi. Missed her closeness and missed her aura. Sarah had no explanation for that. It was an enigma that needed to be solved on Bel’s side.

They sat together in warm silence before Bel stood up and smiled down at Sarah. “I have to go back to Hale’s on business. Something I forgot. Do you mind if I leave you here? I will leave you the key and some money. Walter will check on you and make sure you are okay.” Walter Anderson was the attorney overseeing the business of the “late” Xaviar Kiranov. He met them at the door when Bel made her way to her new family home. He was a very distinguished gentleman; salt and pepper hair and grey eyes with flecks of blue. A very attractive man who looked to be in his late 30’s to early 40’s. He was very courteous to Bel and her new companion, even so much as offering his own services as Bel’s lawyer. She politely declined for the moment, knowing he was the family lawyer and not the lawyer that Xaviar had retained after his “death”.

He seemed eager to please, even taking a shine to Sarah. Laughing at her stories over dinner and staying well into the night until his gentlemanly manners dictated he leave them for now. He lingered at the door as he told Bel that he was at her service day and night before he turned to go to his own transport.

“Oh My Bel, that is quite alright. I will survive on my own. Go take care of what you need.” She sipped her tea as she looked up at Bel, a smile crossing her features as if saying that the young were a silly girl for thinking otherwise.

With a peck on Sarah’s cheek, Bel turned to go to her room. The room that used to be her mother’s. The walls painted a pale lilac with white borders and dark oak furniture decorating the room. Xaviar told her about this room. Told her that it would be the first place she would want to go. This room had been locked up since the day her mother left. Only opened to cleaning women to dust and make sure everything was spotless.

Bel dressed quickly, pulling on white dress shirt and black linen vest that curved to her frame. After slipping on the matching linen pants and suede boots, Bel packed a bag and joined Sarah at the alcove leading to the outside. A brief goodbye and a go with God followed Bel as she took a transport to a shipyard to rent a ship so she can travel back and forth. She missed her Nightingale already.

The trip was long. Always time to think when it comes to being alone in a ship for 14 hours. She thought about a lot. How her relationships always end the way the first one did. Crashing and burning and someone died. Just the last two times it was her that died. Even a little. It wouldn’t be fair to call her relationship to Duncan a real relationship. It was more of a tryst with no real outcome. She thought long and hard about it before she made new coordinates. When she landed on Shadow, she cortexed Duncan and told him she needed to talk to him.

He was in the Jade Saloon watching Anya dance. She wandered over and sat down near him. They talked as we slammed down whiskey and she told him how she really felt.

She did blame him. She blamed him for how She felt. He made her believe that there was something. Kisses and talks of her green eyes. All ways to win a gal’s heart. He basically offered a glass of water to a thirsty woman… gave her a sip, then denied her the rest. He told her that he still loved Immi. And she knew that there wasn’t a chance. But there was a glimmer of hope and it was shredded instantly. She finally ended with a compromise. Friends. She can be friends. She would stay away romantically. And they would let Immi think that it was all a crush. A stupid infatuation. And Duncan let her down gently.

The call came to Bel as she sipped her whiskey. Lily was going into labor. What? Labor!?

She made a foolish mistake; one she hoped wasn’t paid attention to as she leaned over and kissed Duncan on the cheek before running out the door to her transport. She headed to Hale’s like a Reaver ship was on her ass. When she finally landed an hour later, she ran into the bar to find Lily very very pregnant. She wasn’t a few days ago. She had literally grown in gestation in two days.

Bel’s training kicked in. She pulled up her sleeves and examined Lily as much as she can but Lily’s feral instincts were kicking in and she needed to dig. She needed to dig a nest to give birth in. So she let her. Following her to the mines until Lily found a comfortable place.

The smell of dirt and mud filled her senses as she tried to light the place as much as she can with her lantern. She gave Lily some blankets, water, and a commlink. Told her to call if she needed anything. There was nothing she could do. Lily had all the instincts of what to do already.

With worried thoughts, she assured all the onlookers and Lily’s friends that all there was to do was wait for the delivery. So Bel headed to her apartment on Serenity station and crashed on her bed, fully clothed and mentally tired.

Sarah (A Narrative - Part 1)

2009-03-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl
That's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
- Sorrow by Flyleaf

The trip was longer than forever, but shorter than eternity. It felt like eons has passed since she left Hale’s. She knew it was only a 14 hour trip. Too much time to think thoughts she knew she couldn’t think without breaking out the bandana that was tucked into her travel bag. So she spent the time reading. She lovingly cradled the book in her hands. Her father’s gross anatomy book. Older than her, but rebound by her Ge ge, Td. She traced her fingers along the spine before opening it up, reading over the faded notes on the border. Scribbled lines of handwriting she knew too well. Her father’s. She smiled as she started reading. She knew the words by heart; she had read the book a million times.

As she read, she had the sinking feeling someone was watching her. So she looked up into the pale cinnamon colored eyes of an elderly woman. Her snowy white hair piled on her head in a spin of braids that reminded her of those desserts she saw once when she went to her first fancy party. The woman stared at her like she knew her or knew what she was thinking.

Bel tilted her head in that matter she uses when she is confused or trying to explain away the curiosity that held her interest.

“May I help you, Ma’am?” She didn’t want to sound gruff or harsh, so she made her voice higher and lilting. The voice she used around the folk she was trying to make think she was more naive or innocent than everyone around her. The voice of deception.

“I was just wondering what has made you so sad, my child.” Her eyes pierced Bel’s and there was a moment of silence. That was when she noticed. This woman was a Shepherd. Bel had never seen a female Shepard before. Especially one this far out in the rim. She couldn’t hide her surprise. There was no use trying to. Shepherds had a way of knowing what you are thinking and feeling even when you try to hide it.

She got up from across the aisle and strapped herself in next to her before placing her hand on top of Bel’s. It was rough and weathered and tan. It felt old, but soft and caring at the same time. Bel has never been one for God. He and her came to an agreement that night she killed Sarge. She don’t believe in Him… he don’t believe in her. But as she felt the Shepherd’s hand on hers and she looked into her eyes and Bel faltered for a second.

“My name is Sarah. Sarah Perkins. Just traveling from rim planet to rim planet, finding the lost sheep.” She squeezed her hand and Bel nodded.

“Belize… Carver. Im from Blackburne. Born and raised there.” Bel felt weak, open. She smiled at her and then it was like a dam opened and everything poured out. Bel told her all. About her father, her mother.. Immi, and Td and Duncan. Lily and Seana and Sabrina. The reavers, the raiders, the bots. She told her how she cried at night, knowing that everyone but her had someone and that she was so gorram lonely that she can barely stand to be with herself. She cried, burying her face in Sarah’s shoulder and letting years of pent up frustration and sadness and grief wash over her. Her body racked with pain and guilt and fear. She felt every ounce of herself fall from her and when she looked up, Sarah just brushed her withered hand along Bel’s shaggy shorn hair and smiled at her with those bright cinnamon eyes.

“You are the ultimate martyr aren’t you, my child? Willing to sacrifice your own happiness and well being to see that every one you love finds peace and happiness. You would make a great Shepherd. We live on sacrifice.” She smiled a bit before waving down a porter and ordering some tea. She turned back to Bel, one hand along her head while the other pat along her hand. “Before you find happiness with others, My Bel, you have to find happiness within. That inner peace that makes you shine like a bright coin in the sun. I see it in you. That spark. Long forgotten and long dimmed. You have been through a lot. And you may think God has forgotten you. But He hasn’t. He loves you and in any choice you make, He will be at your side.”

Bel kept her head on Sarah’s shoulder through the trip. Book forgotten on her lap as she cradled the cup of hot tea. Sarah spoke of all the places she had been, the people and worlds she had seen. She didn’t deny reavers, she had seen them. Buried too many people because of them.

When the trip ended, Bel asked Sarah where she would go next.

“Reckon I don’t know. Suppose I will stick around here for awhile, find a hotel to hole up in. Find a church.” Sarah grabbed an old carpet bag that had seen better days from under her old seat and she hefted it up onto her deceptively strong shoulders.

“No, you will stay with me. I believe I will need a warm heart and a cool head to help me through this. My family home, I have never been there. The key recently… passed on to me by my cousin. I was going there to recharge. Bring a whole new perspective. Maybe volunteer at one of the clinics.”

The look on Sarah’s face pleased Bel and for the first time in a long while she felt that light inside of her shimmer a little brighter than before and a little warmer than usual. Bel realized that this was what she needed. A confidant. Someone to turn her in the right direction. To show her the path she should take. To give a little nudge when Bel strays.

Bel and Sarah walked side by side into the bright sun of Persephone, ready to head to Bel’s family home.

Off To Find My Soul Again

2009-03-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

- Virginia Satir

The world is an ugly place. Fully of ugly feelings and ugly people who do ugly things.

I am one of them.

I thought I could play God and control my feelings. Control them with a serum that could make me feel indifferent to love. Today’s test was an utter failure.

When I crashed, I crashed hard. And in the process I hurt some people I cared about. I could only talk of my own feelings. Of my own actions. How I let myself jump to a height that I could barely think straight.

I left before. And now I leave again. I hurt Duncan and Immi to such a extent that I could never face them. Not until I was ready. Not until I could look in the mirror.
Im truly happy for them. I really am. I was stupid to even think I had a chance.

So now I am on a transport to Persephone. The key in my pocket digging a scar into the palm of my hand while I watch the stars fly by. I don’t know what I will find. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. All I know is that I think it’s time I did this instead of putting it off and putting it off.

Maybe for me to learn to love myself, I have to learn about myself.

I just wish my Ge Ge was here.

The Anti-Love Plan of Action..

2009-03-17T22:35:00.001-07:00

“Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity. “ – Henri Nouwen

With heartbreak comes uncertainty. With uncertainty comes dilemma. And with dilemma comes a touch of madness.

I think I reached the madness stage. But it doesn’t seem like madness to me. The concept was there. The idea… all I needed was the ingredients.

It all was born in Seana’s ship. I had finished talking to Immi. And I didn’t want to go back to my ship just yet. So I let her know I was coming. I apologized for earlier. And then I broke down.

How stupid could I be? I knew what I was getting into. I knew that he didn’t love me. Could never love me. Would never love me. I felt the feelings because I let them happen. I felt the feelings because… it felt natural.

And that is when it hit me. If I could come up with a chemical that could numb the lobe that controls the romantic love process. It was ingenious. I would still feel the love of my friends. But I would never get my heart broke again.

It would take weeks of study. I would have to contact my people and get the needed chemicals. Contact my cousin.. do some sneaky questioning on his idea of how that would go around. I suppose I could say I am studying again. And it was some kind of question brought up.

It will take a lot of preparing and sneakiness.

In essence, I could solve all my problems with one shot to Immi. But I would never do that. She at least deserves happiness. If I do this to myself, I would never know what I am missing..

The anti-love serum. Made to numb those feelings of love.

And right about now, I need that.

I only hope that no one suspects what I am really doing. That I am not in Persephone. That I am closer to Hale's than they think.

Dreams never last...

2009-03-17T20:02:00.001-07:00

It was all a dream. A dream that I knew was going to end soon. I knew that from the beginning. But I let myself fall too deep. Fall too far.

Sometimes dreams are just that… dreams. And dreams are meant to be waken up from.

I find myself in a predicament. Wondering what to do while I watch from a distance, the happy shiny couples. The dancing and twirling of men and women who look deep into each other’s eyes. The love and affection. The future they share in a knowing glance.

I know I will never see those lights in a man’s eyes or feel the stroke of his fingers along my cheek. I could go be a companion. But I am not made to take orders. So… the choice is mine.

I already left Blackburne and Hale’s once. Can I truly leave my homes again? Never to see Immi or Lily or Seana and Sabrina again?

I did run. For awhile. To my place in Serenity. The beautiful country Duncan showed me with the clear waters and green grass. I sent a cortex to my cousin.,, telling him that I may need Plumb to come pick me up at a moment’s notice.

Then Duncan came. I left his name on the permissions on the door. He threw it open like there was a fire. And he looked at me.

My gods he is beautiful. But I can never say that again. Never touch his lapels, play with his mustache. Kiss him.

That will be what I miss the most. His hugs and touches will have to last me for a lifetime.

He told me I was a fool. And he told me so much. I made him promise not to leave… neither him or Immi leave because of me. If I was to go back. We would all stick it out.

He agreed. And I agreed to come back. I went into the bathroom and cut my hair. Letting each piece drop over my shoulders and onto the floor. I took a scrap and placed it in one of my books before I slid into the suit I only wore once. My armor for as long as I felt weak.

The trip back was long. And all I could think of was what I would do and say to Immi when I saw her.

What a fool I am. What a horrible, sad, little fool.

Gallagher thought I would kill myself. And given the chance, I may have. But I thought of something. How everyone thought I was strong. How I was brave. And I was thinking of taking the coward’s way out.

Time will tell how I will move on. I will bury myself in my work. Doing what I can to help the people that I care for the most. Maybe someday there will be a moment where my heart opens to hope again.

And another horse crosses my path.

For now, I am the Queen of Lost Cause.

Forever, if need be.

2009-03-15T14:55:00.001-07:00

I had to be dreaming. This had to be a dream. How could this be real? How… could any of this be real?

All I could feel was Duncan’s arms wrapped around me, his lips pressing against mine. I clung to his shirt, feeling the soft and worn cotton against my hands and the scent of him filling my senses. My brain was all muffled and I couldn’t think. All I could think about was how he tasted and felt against me.

I spent so much time setting myself to failure in relationships, I finally just succumbed to the idea that I was never going to be in one again. In essence, I was just looking for a warm body. Someone to hold and hug and be with to chase the loneliness away.

I never expected this. Spending so much time with him. I felt a tug. A tug towards him. We made a deal. Whenever we felt lonely, we would be with each other. Nothing sexual. Just talk and company. But it grew for me. I didn’t know about him. His feelings for Immi were so powerful. And I felt I could never compete with that. So I accepted what I could. Every moment was precious. Every minute was worth more than it’s weight in gold. And with every second in his presence, I felt my heart warm for him.

But I cant say that word. The word that has made me cry. So I wont. My feelings are purer than that for him. Because I go to sleep thinking about him. I wake up and my first thoughts are about him. I spend the day without him wondering and worrying about him. And when I am with him. My only thought is to make him smile and laugh. To make him happy.

Then that day on the hill. He told me he had feelings for me. But he didn’t want to be with me and have me think his thoughts were on Immi. So noble of him. And yet so frustrating. So we agreed to take it slow. Let it take us where it wanted to.

And then… he admitted he thought about me. How he loved my green eyes. How he wanted me. But he wanted me to know that when the time was right he wanted me to be absolutely sure it was him and I.. and no one else in his thoughts.

And that is how we came to this. Kissing behind a hay cart like two teenagers snuck out of their parents house. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else at this moment.

I don’t know where this will go. I don’t know how long it will last. But for the moment, it’s all I have. And I am willing to take as long as it takes to wait for use. Forever if need be. Im getting back on the horse. Im taking another chance.

Diversions

2009-03-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

(Past Thoughts)

Diversion, she said. Td and I had to cause a diversion. I didn’t know what Seana had up her sleeve or what she thought Td and I could do, but I suppose there was only one only option. One only alternative.

Lover’s quarrel.

I couldn’t stop my heart from beating hard and fast in my chest. I swore Td could hear it as we stood across the street from where Immi was being held. I held my breath and looked up at Td as he nodded then I exhaled it and stormed off into the street.

It was supposed to be fake. Every feeling. But it all came out. Every feeling. I told him everything. Fiercely. Every feeling and every hurt he caused by leaving me. Then going to Immi.

I loved them both. But this broke my heart. I felt I could never feel it beat again. But here I was, in the middle of a street, screaming at him. Telling him how I nearly died.

And he… just stood there. And then he tried to calm me as I stood there blubbering and screaming in the street. Every fiber in my body was razor sharp. He grabbed me and I just continued to yell. I could feel his hands tighten around my arms and I could see the worry in his eyes… but I let him have e4very thought I had since that day.

But when he shook me, it was like… every emotion concerning it just melted away. Left to puddle with the filth and grime. And for the first time in months. I felt pure. And I felt my heart beat again. And it didn’t hurt. It didn’t make me stop breathing and I looked up at Td and smiled.

This look of confusion and sadness crossed his features as he smiled and that is when we heard Seana’s all clear through our links. I looked around and noticed everyone was watching us. So many military and police and civilians. And I wasn’t embarrassed.

Td curled me up into his arms and took me back to the ship. I felt weak. Reborn. And I told him. I had to. And he nodded. He knew. And just like that… It was over. My misconceptions about him and Immi were gone. Like the trash in a gutter.

Td let me down when we got to the ship and I walked onboard. But it turned into a full blown run when I saw Immi. I may have lifted her off her feet as I hugged her. Resting my head on her shoulder, I held her close and didn’t want to let her go. She was real and I wasn’t dreaming.

I had my sister back.

Lilacs in the Wasteland (A Narrative)

2009-03-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

She was crying as she lay down on the ground, her hand rubbing along the weather beaten stone that marked where her mother was buried. The etched words were dull with wear; the only lettering she could make out was Mama…

She curled up in a ball as she spoke, fingers absently tracing the lettering while relayed to her mother the events of the past few months. She told her about Xaviar, how he basically saved her life and how she saved his. How she would be proud of him. And how she understood why she never told her about the family on Persephone.

“I don’t know what to do, Mama. Im so confused as to where I should go. I love Immi with my heart and soul. Would kill and die for her as a sister should. But I don’t want to break her heart like this. I don’t want to follow my heart because it may break another’s that I care so much.”

She closed her eyes and thought about the subject of her desires and recent dreams. How his eyes were dark with sadness, yet he smiled at her antics. How Duncan called her Red... and crazy. And how she promised she would never harm him; to never fear her needles. She was fascinated by his mustache, how it moved when he talked and smiled and she knew when he wasn’t really smiling because it never moved the same when he was genuinely happy.

When she woke up from the last dream, she ran. Took Nightingale and ran to the Wastes. She didn’t have anyone to talk to. No one she wanted to burden with her woes. So she went to the one person she knew would listen. Even if they couldn’t talk back. Her mother.

She laid there now. Cheek pressed to the ground right where her mother’s heart would have been. She kept her eyes closed, sighing and wondering what to do next.

“What kind of sister and friend am I to have feelings for a man my best friend is in love with?” It hit her like a gunshot, the realization of the amazing hurt Immi must have been through when she started dating Td. And she felt even more horrible.

She cried again. Weeping into the soil and making mud with the tears and dirt. It caked along her cheek as she mourned. Mourned for everything that was lost in the passing months.

She faintly remembered her mother. She was young when she passed. She remembered how she looked. But most of all she remembered how she smelled. Like spring and lilacs. So it startled Belize when she caught the scent. Faint… yet there. The scent of lilacs. Something that never grew in the barrens of the Wastelands. She smiled and had her answer, rubbing the rock before leaning in to kiss it.

“Thank you, Mama.” She whispered before getting up and walking to her ship. It was time to put her plan in action.

A Pain So Intense

2009-03-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

The pain is intense; my heart throbbing in both anger and despair. I look out at the black from my bunk and all I can think about is the past week of events. How everything can flip on a dime and make everything so topsy-turvy that I can’t even look straight.

Immi.., held by her father. Being sold to the highest bidder. And all I could think of was Sarge. How he gussied me up at 16 only to sell ME to the highest bidder. How I felt. Distraught and despair and anger and… more than anger. RAGE. Pure and heated Rage. Boiling in my blood RAGE. It would be very satisfying to stick a needle in him and watch his skin melt and his blood boil and the look of pain across his face. Its one thing to have a stranger try to sell you. But your own father!? There is a special level of hell for that kind of person. And I intend to send him there.

Lily… Holy Crow. Just when I thought I could get used to her antics. When I could really be comfortable around her ways. Taking that thing off her head was brutal. It took all my concentration not to let that scalpel slip. I was happy she survived. Happy that we could now have this opportunity to get to know each other. But that was a lost cause. The minute she threw a tantrum and I had to scream at her to get her to listen. Immi is missing! Don’t you care? And then she accused my cousin. My hand stung from the slap to her face. She is worthless to me now. This was unforgivable.

Xav… She didn’t know him. Never saw him shake with drug withdrawal; cry and vomit for days on end. It took close to two weeks… if not longer to get that poison out of his system. Td had thought I was off to school. No matter what Xav’s past, I was his cousin. We were all we had left. To this day he still has that pain. And he knows the only way to let his victims heal is to let them think he is some evil monster. Who would of thought I would know one of his victims? Its no wonder he drugged himself to ease the pain. Near dead when I got to him. But no one cares about him except for Bridgette and myself.

When I contacted Xav about Immi, he told me do what I can. He even offered his inheritance, going through channels to make it available to me at any moment. If buying Immi back didn’t help…

Duncan… Goddess… what do I do about him? Knowing we took off without him will kill him. But I couldn’t contact him. Wherever he was it was unreachable. I wish he was here. But then… I am glad he’s not as well.

Being on this ship is torture. Lily accusing me and Xav of all sorts of things. Following me around. Making comments. I try to sit and zen. To close my eyes and sing the rhyme my father taught me. But it’s no use. Everyone coddles her. Even Td. Who all but rewarded her for acting the way she was.

She said I shoved my way into the family. I guess I don’t belong there. When this mission is complete, and Immi is safe in Td’s arms, I will go. I will go back with Xav and the Golden Dawn and let them be whatever they want to be. And Lily can have them all to herself. Just the way she wants it.

The stars seem to hover as we move towards Persephone. I don’t know if I will make it out alive. I don’t know if I want to make it out alive. So, I made the arrangements. If the money isn’t gone… a quarter to Seana and Sabs… a quarter to Nack and Lauralai… a quarter to Duncan… and a quarter to Immi and Td. They can use the money to do whatever they want.

Usagi usagi
Nani mite haneru
Juugoya o-tsuki-sama
Mite haneru

I Will Give Everything And More...

2009-03-05T18:00:00.001-08:00

I stared in shock at the cortex message Seana showed me. My blood ran cold… and I couldn’t think. I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I paced along the office before I turned and looked at Seana.

“I have several million credits as my inheritance that Xaviar gave me. And I have a house on Persephone. It’s all yours to give. Get her back. Get her back now… please.”

I dropped down on a chair and started crying. I cried for Immi… for Td… for Duncan and my feelings for him… for every one I cared about.

Dear Goddess of the Stars, I prayed… Please… please help Immi. Keep her safe… keep her sane. Bring her back to us. Please.. please please.. I prayed hard, crying and leaning down in the seat while I tried not to fall apart..

I couldn’t lose her now.. Not when my family was whole again…

Lily barged in. Acting like a spoiled brat. Acting as if the whole world revolved around her. She didn’t care about Immi. I doubt she cared about anyone.

I slammed my key onto the desk and looked at Seana. "You have my house... all my inheritance. Get Immi back. Anyway you know how. I will give you all I have and more."

And then Lily blamed my cousin. Who is on Deadwood. The man who is more innocent of anything that Ben Bigboots has ever done. And all I could think of was how childish she was.

And I slapped her. And I ran. I hid behind some crates and just cried. Cried until I couldn’t breath. Cried until my chest hurt. Cried for my best friend.

Oh Immi… please be safe. Please come back.

What do I do now?

2009-03-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

What do you do when the person you talk to the most, is the one person you cant talk to at all?

I am at such a loss. Immi has been gone. Gone to a coreworld for some gorram reason. Left me behind. Could of took backup. Td or even me. But no… lately she has been all about taking care of herself. Putting all the weight on her shoulders and hoping the weight will lighten as time goes by. Sometimes I get so angry at her and yet I want to take every bullet that is ever shot at her at the same time.

I miss her like crazy right now. I wonder what she is doing. If she is okay. I get this… feeling something isn’t right. Something just doesn’t feel right.

Td has been off on one of his little runs and I have been bouncing between Hale’s and Blackburne, taking care of medical business. My mind keeps trailing back to Immi… then the key tucked in my pocket at all times. The house my family lived in… my mama… my grandparents. Xaviar.

Gods I miss him. I send him a cortex everyday. Asking how he and the crew are. Telling me everyone missed me. Even Logan seemed a bit more irritable lately.

Logan. I knew nothing was going to happen between him and I. I didn’t feel that kind of love towards him. And it wouldn’t be fair to jump right into something without my own feelings being in the way.

Oh… I wish Immi was here. I could sit and talk to her about everything. Everything but the one thing I cant talk to her about.

Duncan.

We have been spending more time together. Mostly as a pact. Whenever we feel lonely or heartbroken or down on ourselves, we will seek each other out and just talk.

It was friendly. And I admit, I was a little flirty. Then I saw something that made me stop cold. He has a picture of Immi over his cot. I could see it from where I was sitting.

I think maybe it’s time I head out to my folk’s cabin in the Wastes. I have my ship now. I can set up there for a couple of days. Head into Blackburne when needed… or to Hale’s. Tend to Mama’s grave.

Im just so confused I can barely think straight. Oh… to have a shoulder to lean on.

Who would of thought?

2009-03-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

I stared in shock and surprise. It felt like someone kicked me in the chest. All the air sucked out of my body the minute I saw Td drop to one knee and ask Immi for her hand in marriage. Doing what he did to me less than a year ago. Asking her what he promised me. Telling her what he told me. But this time it was different. He meant it this time.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Td meant it when he proposed to me. But not as heartfelt and deep as what I witness with Immi. There so was much love in his words. Mine was more… a promise that someday when he was ready.

I guess he is ready now.

But I had no choice. I had to smile and pretend that everything was great and I was happy. But at that moment I felt an incredible loneliness. Just once I wanted someone to talk to, to lean against, to lay my head on their shoulder and feel their warmth against my cheek while we talk the night away. To have strong arms wrap around me and tell me everything will be alright.

I watched Td and Immi dance and a plan got set into motion. A companion. They have male ones, right? So I pulled out my cortex and contacted the only set of contacts I know that would know. After I put my order in, specific in the fact that they had to be male, and no sex allowed, I headed to Hale’s to relax.

That’s when I got the cortex from Duncan. He had something for me. I had only hoped it wasn’t a surprise and I was about to find myself dumped in the Wastes for mutant food. Especially after what I said to him the last time.

No… it was to say the least one of the most beautiful surprises anyone has ever given me.

A ship. A beautiful medevac ship. Fully stocked and just for me. Duncan refitted it and got it working. I walked around in wonder. Mine… it was truly mine. No one has ever given something so… wonderful. I think I surprised him. I hugged and kissed his cheek before bounding into the ship, touching and smelling and enjoying the interior.

He helped me settle some things inside the ship before he invited me into his to hang out. We chatted and I drank water and it was very pleasant and fun. I enjoyed myself.

It was to say the least, the most interesting up and down evening I had ever been in.

I Didnt Want To Remember...

2009-02-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

I sat down at the bar at Fook’s, cracking open the ol’ book on the circulatory system. I have been coming to Fook’s mostly for the Green River water. Seems I went and gotten myself addicted to it. I hadn’t gotten far when I heard someone behind me.

Immi…

She asked for water, so I got her a glass of water. She said no… she needed more and headed to the hydrogarden. I followed her, tossing the water aside before chasing her. She was there, filling up a container with the hose and I asked her what she was doing. Going to the Wastes. And the way she was talking, she wasn’t gonna come back. Not allowed. I tried to talk her into taking me. She refused. The radiation would hurt me especially so soon after the surgery. She was hurt… angry… she was in love with Duncan as well. She loved both Td and Duncan and she was so torn and crazed with guilt that she wasn’t thinking straight.

I didn’t want to do it. I had to. I gave her a sedative. Just walked up behind her and injected her. I knew she was going to be angry with me. But she wasn’t about to go. Not until I got a hold of someone to talk her out of it since she wasn’t listening to me. A local helped me carry her to the infirmary and into bed. I thanked them with some credits and waved them off.

It was a long night and day. I fell asleep in the chair, watching her and making sure she was comfortable. General visited and we talked. He was adamant that she make her own choice. But he wasn’t there. He didn’t see her. Didn’t see the wild look in her eyes. I knew that look. I had that look. And it was a look of someone who wasn’t planning on coming back. I told him that if he ever did that again… what he did in that bar, he was going to get a needle in the neck. But I forgave him and he left, I suppose wondering what was going through my head and if I had gone crazy.

I spent the day checking Immi, reading my books and contacting Xav and Bridge through cortex. Fell in and out of sleep. Seemed the lack of it while going through the side effects of my tumor was catching up with me. I startled when I heard heavy boot steps and I looked over my shoulder.

Td. I felt scared and happy at the same time.

He asked what happened and I told him the ins and outs of it. He asked me if I could bring her out and I did. She came out frantic, not knowing what was going on. I held her down and Td told me to move aside. He whispered in her ear and she immediately calmed down.

I sat on the floor and listened to them talk for a minute… not knowing if I should leave or stay. But the choice was made for me when Immi told Td that she loved Duncan. I had to go. I had to.

I left; wandering town for a bit while I thought about things. How I could be so angry at Immi for something she couldn’t control? Why was I so angry? If Immi and Td broke up… would he still be in my life? Even after the talk and declaration of our relation? I was his adopted sister now. Was that why I was so angry? Why?

These answers were not going to answer themselves. So I returned and sat back down on the floor at the foot of Immi’s bed. Immi was resting, so Td and I talked. Everything I felt came out. And as I said them, I felt silly. I was thinking this stuff without merit. I knew Td would never hurt me that way. We just weren’t right. I wasn’t what he needed. And yet he tried to assure me that he did. Just in a different way.

I believed him.

I heard some more footsteps behind me and I jumped up to see a stranger. He said his name was Scott Blackstone. Doctor from the Alliance. I knew that from the uniform. I instantly felt my stomach knot.

He wanted Lily. Wanted to study her. Wanted to study all the mutants. Then he asked me who I was. I told him. Immediately he was interested. Saying he had heard of me and had a document to sign and went over details of my life. My father’s death, my mother’s death. Then he said that I had one living relative. Oh go-se. Xaviar… then he asked about an uncle. No.. no uncles. I was relieved.

If he had asked me about a cousin… about Xaviar. I don’t know if I could lie convincingly. I thanked the gods that Xaviar was as far away as possible. Save with the Golden Dawn.

Then the temptation. I could be a bona fide doctor if I signed the form. A real doctor! But I would have to help this Alliance doctor. Oh… the temptation was great. Only my signature. That’s all. Then I would be a doctor. I wouldn’t be some medic. Looked down on by other doctors… but then Immi said something.

Orange.

I had heard her say that before. Danger. Danger… I knew it was too good to be true. I returned the document and said no, trying to escort him to the door. Then… a shot.

Td had heard enough. He shot the doctor.. Immi went nuts. Slamming her foot down on his head over and over again. I tried pulling her off and she kept saying.. “It’s uplinking. We have to stop the uplink.” I injected some acid into the doctor’s neck. Hoping that it will melt the doctor’s insides. But Immi kept screaming. We had to get out. I told Td to get the heck out of there, get Immi and run. I ran after them. No sooner had we left the infirmary, there was an explosion. The bot had detonated a self destruct sequence.

How in the hell do we get into this mess?

A Bright New Day (Part 2)

2009-02-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

I got dressed, finding a stocking cap that was given to me heavens knows when. I pulled it over my bald head and slipped my glasses on before pulling on a sweater, jeans and sneakers. I found a transport to Hale’s and took it. When I arrived I found Immi and a bunch of others in a meeting over by a launch pad. So I wandered over. Seems a Mr. Podwrangler Zapedzki was arranging for a group of folk to help him destroy a fleet of Alliance ships that have been shooting innocent transports out of the sky. Half the group left, mumbling something about it being too dangerous. The rest of us stayed. Immi saw me, and she looked angry enough. But it was also tinged with worry. I smiled weakly at her, knowing that she could yell at me all she wants.

The only ones left to do the job was Duncan, Pod, Immi, Amyla and I. I couldn’t handle a gun, but I was a medic. I volunteered and I think Immi got more irate at me for that fact.

The plan was to take over a destroyer and blow the ships out of the sky. Easy enough plan. Xav was gonna kill me when he finds out.

I bulked up. Keeping my medical belt and syringes on hand and we all headed to Shadow to meet up. I hoped I wouldn’t get in the way. When we met up finally, we all headed to the destroyer and boarded. It was a small group. Three or four. Duncan got shot up a bit, Nothing major. But we took them out. Odd that an Alliance destroyer had such little people on it. Amy and I jumped into the turrents and shot at the other ship. It was a success! Even the Alliance think we did a good job. They dont know it was us... but it seems the ships we blew up were a band of renegade Loyalists that were giving the Alliance a black eye. As if they didnt give themselves one.

If this was the way it was going to be with the Full Burn crew, I was all in! I liked the turrent.

I watched the looks Duncan was giving Immi. And I felt that something needed to be said. She had changed into a pretty dress and Duncan was giving her the doe eyes. So I asked him to follow me to the med pav. Immi followed much to my sadness so she had to hear what was going on.

I laid it on the table. Telling him that there couldn’t be anything between him and Immi. Immi loved Td. And it was cruel enough to have to put her through that heartache.

I think that… I should of kept my mouth shut.

Duncan left for a deep space mission. Not sure when he will show up again. If at all. And Immi blames herself so much, she’s not even answering cortex waves anymore.

I wish there was something I could do... without screwing it up further.

A Bright New Day (Part 1)

2009-02-22T14:20:00.000-08:00

The lights were bright against my eyes as I opened them up. They stung against the glare and they felt heavy and hollow. That feeling you get when you are in a deep sleep for far too long. I felt a dull ache in my head. Not the sharp pains of migraines that have afflicted me for the past month. A dull and almost acceptable ache that told me that I was alive.

I could hear voices. Dull and mumbled voices that I could swear say my name. And the press of a hand against mine. Actually, two hands… on both my hands. Someone was on either side of me. I blinked against the light and I mumbled something. Must have been something about that light because it went away and I could see faces. My eyes focused and I turned to my left to see the worried and white expression of my cousin.

“Baio-mei… Talk to me.” His whispers where husky from worry and I could tell he barely slept from the circles under his eyes.

“You look like go-se, Baio-ge.” I muttered and he laughed, squeezing my hand and kissing my cheek and forehead.

I felt the squeeze on my other hand and I turned my head slowly to look into the beautiful green eyes of Bridgette.

She used her free hand to sign my name and then asked me how I was feeling.

“Im okay, Baio-sao. Achy head, but nothing an aspirin or two can fix.” I squeezed her hand and she kissed me on my forehead before smiling at Xav. She signed that she will tell the others and to give us time alone before she left.

Xav helped me up and took off the bandage. The operation was a success. The tumor lying almost peacefully against my brain. It came off with no effort. No damage done to my brain that he can see. It was if it was ready to be removed. He asked me if I wanted to see it. No… I was good. Do with it what he wants. Im sure he wanted to study it or something. He said the scarring was minimal; the lasers fused the bone and skin into almost perfection. He seemed happy to acquire Alliance medical equipment. Knowing full well that anything other would have killed me or left me scarred.

He proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions. My name and age, parents, birthday. The date and if I could read the clock. His name and Bridgette’s name. Memories and thoughts. Feelings and desires. It all seemed so intrusive. But he wanted to make sure that I was okay.

Then he asked me if I could see the colors again. No.. still black and white. But he didn’t seem so worried. Just said it could be from my brain resetting itself and then there is the healing process.

The others came in a rush, flurrying around me and hugging me. Even Maggie sniffled and hugged me tightly before bounding off to the cockpit.

I thought about Immi and Td and Sabrina and Seana and what would they do if they see me like this? Immi is gonna kill me when she sees me. I left her behind. But she had to dance with Td. I have no regrets on that one.

As soon as I was released from Xav’s care he told me the bad news. Plumb was itching to go to the other side of the verse. Seemed he had some business on Deadwood. And the sooner he left Blackburne the better.

I hugged everyone, not knowing when or if I will see anyone again. JJ gave me a piece of the engine of Golden Dawn and told me that he will miss me. I told him I hoped the ship didn’t need this particular part. He laughed and said no… it didn’t. Then he rushed off to the engine room.

Maggie and Plumb were not ones for gooey talk, so I let them be. Telling Xav to let them know I will miss them.

Logan just watched me before he crossed the room and hugged me. He pressed his cheek against mine and whispered in my ear that I was so worth loving and if he had half a mind, he would do it. But he knew that it was impossible. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to never pass up the chance for love and that if someone cant see what I was worth… then they are idiots. He turned and left, leaving me in a state of shock.

Bridgette came to me next. She stood there and looked at me with a soft and knowing smile. “You will be okay, Bel. I can see that you will survive the best way you know how. With strength and love and honor. Don’t let anyone take any of that away from you.” She leaned in and kissed me on the forehead before caressing my cheek. She signed to Xav that the package is on the transport and to make sure I took it. I was in tears at this point. I felt like I was losing my family all over again.

Xav helped me to the transport and we went down to Blackburne in silence. When we landed, he helped me to my apartment and set the package down on the bed. Slowly he turned to me and I could tell he was distraught.

“Baio-mei. When I met you, I wanted to kill you. It boiled in my blood. But then I learned who and what you were and I fell in love with you and realized that I could never kill you. You are my blood. My family. The only one I have left. And I wasn’t about to leave you. Remember if all else fails, Belize Mae, you have me. And I will move heaven and the stars to get to you.” He crossed the room and hugged me. We stayed like that for what seemed like hours. But when he finally let me go, it was only a few minutes. “Keep studying. Become that doctor. Be the best damned doctor anywhere. And I am happy you have a purpose on that ship. They are lucky to have you.” He kissed my cheek and forehead before he opened my hand and dropped key in it. “There is a house on Persephone. It’s ours. In my name and yours. Before my disappearance, I set up a will and left everything to you. The house is yours. It was the house our mothers grew up in.”

I closed my hand around the key and nodded a bit, still shocked and crying like a baby. He kissed my cheek one more time and smiled.

”Live your life, Baio-mei. We will see each other again. I promise. But in the meantime, just live your life.” With that, he turned and left. I gave myself awhile to calm down, laying on my bed and taking deep breaths to calm my heart and soul. I needed to find Immi… So I wiped my tears and headed out, looking for the next transport to Hale’s.

Not Gone For Long

2009-02-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

The ball was the most beautiful affair. Everyone was done up in such fine dresses. The dress Bridge got me seemed to pale in comparison. But it was wonderful to watch all my friends and family dance and celebrate the night.

Td and I danced a bit. And then he moved on to other untaken ladies in the room. I sat and watched and drank a martini or two and then some Green River water. Xav contacted me via cortex and said it was time. I went out and told him just one more hour. He smiled a knowing smile and patted my cheek.

“Baio-mei. Take as long as you need tonight. Just let me know when to come get you. Mind if I crash at your little pad while you have your fun?”

Besides my father, he has been the only other male I loved so much I knew I would die if he left. Boyfriends come and go, family is forever.

I went back and watched the pretty people dance, knowing that they were happy and content at that moment. I watched Immi dance and Td dance and for the first time in a very long time. I was content. And ready. When the hour was up, I contacted Xav.

Biao-ge, I am ready.

I went to my apartment and changed, he helped me out of the gown and wig which were given to me by Bridge, and we wrapped them up and took them with us to the transport.

I watched as Blackburne left behind me. I gazed out the window and touched my fingers along the shape of the beautiful rock I called my home.

I will return, Blackburne. I promise. I have too much to live for now. Especially when Td and Immi asked me to be their medic on the ship… Im gonna be part of a crew. I will have a purpose. Serve a purpose. And with the rest of the crew, I will belong. Im not giving up too easily.

Waking up is hard to do...

2009-02-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

I stared at him in shock, awe, admiration, surprise and a touch of fear. I had never seen Xav so mad ever…

I couldn’t believe he was angrier at me refusing to go to the ball than he was me getting shot up!

“What the gorram hell are you trying to pull, Belize Mae?”

He used my full name. Well, without the last name. But close enough. I winced at the thought of him being angry. I loved him and didn’t want him disappointed at me. I glanced at Bridge, looking for any kind of sympathy. She shook her hand and signed “You got yourself into this, you get yourself out.” She promptly walked out of the room.

Great… Bridge abandoned me.

I knew I shouldn’t have told Xav the story. Luckily I left out the gun to my head part.

When I told Xav I wasn’t going to the ball, he blew up... calling me every cussword in the book and all in Mandarin so it sounded lyrical.

“There is no way I am operating on you now! Chufei wo si le! Ni bu dong ma? They love you there. They want you there. And even if you are going alone, you are going to that gorram ball!”

Wow… I never ever saw him this mad.

He pointed a finger at my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “They don’t care what you look like, what you are going through or if you are going to die. You are loved and I never realized how much until now. You are yuben de if you think otherwise from them.”

He promptly turned and stormed out. Throwing his hands up and cussing like a storm.

I was… stupid and blind and I was committing suicide without even drawing a weapon. I had already resigned myself that I was going to die. And as a medic, I knew better. As a doctor… I knew much better. Going into something this altering… with a bad sense of mind. Its like poison. I think I am going to die. I die.

And I want to live. And since I have just one day. It’s time to start that. First… grovelings. I will have to grovel to Td soon.. but first. Immi.

Time...

2009-02-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

Time is short and sometimes too short to waste on just petty foolish things.

This ball has become both a bane and an event to remember. And neither one is a good thing.

Im sure that whoever thought of it had the best of fun in mind, but all it has done is cause heartache for a few of the patrons.

Im worried about Immi. I tried and tried to keep her happy. I tried and tried to keep her from falling into the routine of bitterness that seems to follow everyone. And I failed.

So there is one last thing to do.

I wont be going to the ball. Instead, I will go to my cousin's ship for the surgery. Before anyone can respond or figure it out. I contacted Logan and planned for an early morning pick up. The surgery should start within the hour thereafter.

One full day... one full day of life. All I have is that day to tell everyone I love that I may not wake up tomorrow.

All the King's horses... and All the King's men...

2009-02-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

Everyday I have been going to treatments. The Golden Dawn at an orbit around Blackburne. Waiting for me and the day it happens. I know Xav asks me everyday, pleading me to change my mind and to have the treatment now. Before it gets too late.

I will wait. I have to wait. For Immi. For Td. I have to make sure things are settled and everyone is cared for before I go. Just in case. Just in case I don’t wake up. Everyday I think about how short my life may be. First months.. then weeks.. now… it could be as much as 3 days. 3 days to settle my life into a happy bow.

Am I asking too much?

I suppose I am.

Yesterday was… without a doubt, the worse of my life thus far. And that’s saying a lot. Considering how short a time I may have. It’s hard to see people throw away what time they have. The love they have, the words they want to share. Arguing over petty things.

Yesterday, I went to Hale’s after having a day of treatment with Xav. I spent the morning getting prodded and scanned and poked and had things removed and it was a nightmare. I think I may be a lot more gentler with the patients I have. I spend the morning with Bridge and Maggie, JJ and Logan. Laughing and enjoying ourselves. And all I can think of is how Immi would love them. All of them. And how I wished she was here.

I suppose Td was right. I am in love with her. But with no more a heart as a sister has. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. When I finally told her of what was wrong with me. She insisted on being there for the surgery. I couldn’t say no. And wow, Td threw me over his shoulder and insisted I get it now. It was the most intense pain I had ever felt. My skin felt on fire. I wanted to scream. I almost did. But he let me down and I forced a smile out. I couldn’t let them see how much it hurt… to be touched. Xav said it was because of what is happening to me. A side effect. I have learned to hide it.

After my treatment yesterday, I headed to Hale’s. Logan dropped me off and kissed my cheek, which shocked the hell out of me. He smiled that smile he seems to only reserve for me and took off. I went in and talked a spell with Sabrina and Seana. I am so happy Sabs found someone. At least I can cross her off my list of people I need to make sure is happy. I got myself some Green River water… the stuff is supposed to make people fall in love. I don’t believe it. It’s a myth that needs to be put to rest. Its actually not that bad. Nutty and refreshing. I cant seem to stop drinking it.

I wasn’t there long when we got trouble. Raiders. Gorram it.. I hate raiders.

I patched up who I could. But since I am a bullet magnet, I got a bullet in the thigh. Just as the other one was healing. I was hoping I wasn’t going to be limping to the table. After the ruckus, and the bastards got away with what they wanted, we all sat around the bar licking our wounds and stuff.

Seems a certain Ben Bigboots has been sniffing around Lily, and Immi found out about that. Ben is a bit of a player. And Immi worries about Lily. If Lily wanted to be a woman… why did she let them adopt her? Doesn’t Lily realize that she is hurting the people she loves by defying them in that manner? If she wants to be treated like an adult, act like one. If she wants to be a child… then she will have to accept that they will treat her like one. Sometimes I wonder…

Immi and Lily went into a fight and I couldn’t help but feel bad for Immi. She has had the weight of the world on her shoulders. And everyone keeps adding pebbles of insignificance to the load. She can only take so much before she snaps.

Well, it wasn’t Immi that snapped last night. It was General.

I admired him from afar. Others telling me to ask him to the ball. There were no other offers for him. And I wasn’t sure if my escort whom I asked could attend. I didn’t know if he knew who I was. He never hardly spoke to me. Never hardly even noticed I was there. No one really does. Sometimes I fell I get Immi’s rejects. If it wasn’t for Td, I would think that was the truth. I know it’s not fair. But… there isn’t a guy on Blackburne who isn’t married or taken that doesn’t have eyes for Immi. And it’s killing her slowly knowing that.

I don’t know what set General off. But he was yelling at Immi.. saying he was going to kill Td and that she needed to choose because if she picked Td he was going to kill him and I couldn’t have that. No! Not after what I went through to make sure they were together. Not now.. not when I was so close to death. Not when I saw Immi’s happiness right there within reach. I ran up and screamed at him. No! No one will ruin their happiness!

Then he pointed a gun at me.

Something snapped. My head… it… something snapped and I felt my head burn. I felt it burn and my eyes burn and I felt red hot. Just so very hot.

Then I was calm. Calmer than I have ever been. Telling him that if he so much as harms Immi or Td, he will need to run. And never sleep. Because I would kill him.

And I meant it.

My heart broke. I always pick them, right? I wanted to know General better and he is in love with Immi. And he tries to kill me. I still have the bruise on my forehead of the barrel on my forehead. Xav didn’t see it. Thank the skies. But he suspected that something was wrong.

I told General to pull the trigger. Kill me now… I was dead in a week. And if he didn’t… he will die.

Why oh why do I open my heart to the wrong men?

I pulled the needle with the Bezitaine in it from my holster. I was ready to jump on him… inject him. Kill him. Painfully. Slowly. Incapacitate him. Make him cry and scream and bleed from every orifice of his body. Burning from the inside out. Blood vessels explode with each breath. Until… when he prays to die. He finally does.

But he smacked me. Throwing me across the room. I don’t remember much after that. I was out for awhile. Because when I came to… the syringe was broken on the floor under the bar.. General was gone. Immi was gone. Someone helped me up and I felt my head. A small gash. Nothing serious. Just a bump for now. But that wasn’t the worse of it. Now instead of a black and white image that I have gotten used to in the past few weeks. Everything had a red tinge to it. Like halos. Like Auras.

I found my sunglasses, thankfully not broken… and put them on quickly. But it was too late. I felt it before I even thought it. I felt ice cold. But it was good feeling. Felt... right.

I tried to find Immi. Tried finding her and finding out if she was okay. No one knew where she was. She ran off.

I tried finding her. Everywhere. Of course, I couldn’t find her. So I crashed. Seemed the head injury caused me to get a slight concussion. I hopped a transport to Blackburne and went to the medpav.

Fun is sewing up a head while looking in the mirror. Head wound and leg wound in one day. Xav was going to kill me.

I kept myself awake, checking my pupils and such until the danger was passed and that is when I crashed.

I dreamed of General. I don’t know why. The loathing I felt for him burned in my veins. But the dream was warm and I watched him from afar. Happy… with children.. a woman. It felt bittersweet. And I was looking from the outside in again.

When I woke up, I did the routine again. Heading to Golden Dawn. Getting an earful from not only Xav, but everyone else. Even Logan pulled me aside and told me that he was disappointed in me. But Bridge was the one that I felt worse with. Signing, she told me that I was going to live with the surgery, but I was going to die by just tossing myself in danger like that. I didn’t tell them about the thing with General. But something else happened. My eyes changed again... Red. Crystal red. Crystal Blood red. Oh dear heavens.. not again.

I went back to Hale’s and met with Duncan. After our talk, we were civil enough to engage in some conversation.

Immi returned. I could see how Duncan reacted with her around and I knew that always happens. Immi was the pot of honey to a clan of bears… And it wasn’t her fault. Not one piece is her fault.

I told her that. I told her that it wasn’t her fault that a bunch of grown men think they are in love with her. Think that they love her enough when all they can think with is…

I think I made her smile enough. I told her it was her and me against the world. And she needed to be at my side.

It feels good.

Now… one more detail to handle before I go under. Tomorrow night I will either make a total fool of myself… or hurt the people I love.

I would rather make a total fool of myself.

Answers without Questions.

2009-02-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

I couldn’t remember last night. I remember waking up and getting dressed; getting the cortex from Xav and then heading back home after sitting at the bar to get redressed for the bar opening. But after that… nothing. I could of did or said something and I don’t know what?!

Then this morning. This morning I woke up in pajamas and the wig Bridgette gave me for fun times lying on the bed beside me. My head hurt like crazy and I couldn’t focus my eyes for the longest time. I felt like going back to sleep. I haven’t done that in awhile. It felt like I didn’t do it last night either. It was like a hundred days of not sleeping just… crashed onto me in one fell swoop.

If it wasn’t for Xav waving me on the cortex, I would of never got out of bed. I knew what that meant. Appointment time… and I was nervous as hell to go. I waited for my ride, Logan behind the wheel of the transport, and we headed off to the Golden Sun.

I stripped down to my skivvies and lay down on the table, glad that Bridgette at least put down a blanket to keep it warm. I really wish I didn’t have to strip down for Xav. But he insisted. I could tell he was nervous and that made me nervous too. We just found each other. And I don’t know what I would do if I lost Xav... I could only imagine what he was going through.

He strapped some kind of helmet on my head, complete with chinstrap. I had to take my glasses off, but I kept my eyes close, I wish I could get my eye color back. Bridgette says my eyes are pretty…

It was a long ordeal. He asked me all kinds of questions. My name, age, where I was born. Mama’s name, Papa’s name, the date and his name. What ship are they on, who’s the captain and what was the last planet we visited before dropping me off. Very factual questions. Things with real answers.

Then he got personal. Who was my first love? My best friend, my fondest memory of Papa, my last memory of Mama. My last memory of Blackburne before I came back home.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I answered as best as I can. Describing the sights and smells of Blackburne, the people I love and adore.

After what felt like hours laying down and answering questions, I finally got to sit up. Bridgette got me dressed and we headed to the kitchen while Xav worked his magic. I caught up with JJ and Logan. Even Maggie made an appearance. JJ gave me a gear necklace. Said it was to remind me of him. I thought it was sweet.

Logan sat there and just watched and listened. Arms crossed in front of him while he soaked up the conversation. It was nice. Calm and enjoyable. I didn’t feel on display or anything.

After about an hour or so, Xav walked in and asked to see me.

Privately.

Bridgette gave my hand a squeeze and I got up to follow Xav. After we entered the office and he shut the door, he twirled and hugged me so hard. I cried out. It hurt so much I could barely see straight for a minute. Of course he freaked out and knew what it was from.

He sat me down and then sat down in front of me and finally I was told what was wrong with me.

Fear, shock, anger, sadness. It was all a swirl in my body and I could barely breathe. I knew immediately it was because of Blackburne. And then I knew there couldn’t be a God.

No God would take away the things I loved then subject me to this. No God could be this cruel!

We discussed treatments and we agreed on one. He wanted to do it immediately, but I wanted to wait. The ball is next week. I wanted that event to be a happy one for everyone.

He reluctantly agreed and said that right after the ball I was to come back to the Golden Sun for treatment.

I didn’t know what to after getting back to Blackburne. So much to think about. Too much to do… I hadn’t seen my parents’ graves since before I left. I had to go.

But I shouldn’t of. I crossed the mountains and headed into the Wastes. It was tiresome and I stressed myself too much. I knew it was a mistake. Maybe I should of waited for Nack.

I got lost. I couldn’t tell east from west. Everything looked the same. My head started hurting so bad. And I couldn’t see my sight was so blurry. I guess I passed out.

If it wasn’t for Immi and Til and everyone else finding me, I would of died out there. I know it. They hurried me onto Til’s hopper and we ran out of there. I still don’t know why. I laid down in the backseat. I couldn’t find my parent’s graves. I couldn’t cry. I just couldn’t. I evidently passed out again and when I woke up, I was in Blackburne again. In the Med pav.

Everyone was there. I coughed up enough sand to make a beach. Til gave me an IV and Lexxie gave me my pills. I felt better almost immediately but then Immi showed up. She yelled at me and I knew she was scared.

I don’t want anyone worrying about me. No one. I can going to be okay. If.. I don’t, I don’t want them to spend one day agonizing over how to save me. If I do… then no harm done. I will take their anger when and if that happens. But she took one look at me and I knew she knew. I knew she knew and she knew I knew. And I denied it. Told her to stop worrying.

Now I have to worry about how I am going to survive the next week with Immi staring at me and knowing. How am I going to keep up appearances? And how does one say Good Bye for good?

Candy...

2009-02-11T22:08:00.001-08:00

Its a marvelous day! I heard things today that made me giggle. The horses are fun to talk to, they dont look at me like Im sad or anything. They like to eat the hay and shake themselves alot. They smell though.

I found Jayne and she had no pants! I told Nack because Jayne looked cold. He said she had a cute butt. I never noticed. But she's pretty.. I liked giving her muffins. I dont cook muffins anymore. I cant remember how to. That makes me sad.

The music at Firefly's was happy and I danced alot. It was fun spinning all the chairs and watching them go around and around..

My head is hurting again. I think I need to take more of those white candies. They dont work much.. but it helps me think better.

The Pain..

2009-02-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

Its getting worse. The migraine making my sight blur and my body ache. I sleep. But not because I have to. Just from the sheer exhaustion of making it through the day. I would rather get shot than live another day with this. Xav cant come back too soon.

He's not far. Another day's travel. He seems excited with the new machinary. Docs and their toys. I am sure that if I was there, I would be just as excited.

I have to wear sunglasses all the time. Not for embarassment of my eyes.. but because lights just hurt me. I am taking so much medication, I have to watch myself that I dont overdo it. Everything just lessens the pain.. Never numbing it. Always there underlying along the surface.

I will be glad when I find out why I am in pain. Even my moods have been changing and I can feel it. Before.. it was so welcomed. Not feeling anything. Then... it scares me. And I know it scares my family. Scares the people I love. They dont show it. But I can tell.

Colors swirl around them. Some of them, actually. The new guy... Xerox. He's dark. Just dark and I dont know... I dont get a good feeling from him. I have been wrong before.

I just have to stay sane. Sane for another day.. two more days. I hope... I hope I can make it that long.

Note from Player

2009-02-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have found out that someone I would rather not read my character blog has been doing just that. And since I know now, I feel uninspired to write in the Livejournal blog I started with Belize. So, since I already had a gmail account under her name, I decided to do the blog.

Granted, I am doing this at 2am after much thought. So my brainpower isnt exactly 100%. No witty remarks or anything.

Hopefully tomorrow, after I let others know, it will be more expressive.

Sorry for the inconvenience of the move. But I am sure you all agree this may be the best move for me.

I will minimally post on the LJ one. Not juicy news. Just little news to keep him from bugging me about it.

Thanks!
Bel's Player.