Survival In The Black

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman Bel typed into the computer next to her, the instrument a bit

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~ Marilyn Monroe Bel wiped her brow, not noticing the smear of blood that followed it as she looked down at the wounded man. She recognized him. The man who sold her a teapot off the back of his ship. The kind old man with grey eyes and a laugh that made her mood instantly brighten just at the sound of it. He always had a joke and a limerick to try out on the bonny doctor that would buy the little trinkets. She didn’t know if he knew she only bought the useless trinkets to help him and his family. But she would like to think he did. The wound was severe but not one that was life threatening, Bel cut the stitch and carefully wrapped a bandage around his stomach before nodding to the volunteers to carry him to the other side of Fook’s. She could hear the screams and ravages

I am a one way motorway I'm the one that drives away Then follows you back home I am a street light shining I'm a wild light blinding bright Burning off alone It's times like these you learn to live again It's times like these you give and give again It's times like these you learn to love again It's times like these time and time again I am a new day rising I'm a brand new sky To hang the stars upon tonight I am a little divided Do I stay or run away And leave it all behind? - Times Like These – Foo Fighters The knock on the door to her small apartment on Blackburne was brief, barely audible as Bel tinkered on the device on her table. She looked up at the door and frowned before sliding her tools and the device into a basket and hiding it under her couch. She padded to the door quietly before opening it, only to have Derrick Osterham fall into her arms. She fell to the floor under his weight and she checked for a pulse, grateful she found one before she dra

Note From Player: Lately over the past few months, I have had to endure alot of drama towards the player. Some from people who realize they did wrong and others who just plain got a hair up their ass. This weekend, it came to a head with someone yelling at me for something I had nothing to do with. I felt horrible after awhile, but I talked to some people and they all said the same. Adults make choices. Not my fault they chose to leave. It is their choice. They will have to deal with that when the time comes. And to accuse someone else of doing so is not only heartless but incredibly childish. So... as something I have been doing lately to those that have fucked me over... this song goes out to two certain people. THey know who they are. And they probably dont read this so this is more or less my declaration that I will NOT be anyone's doormat anymore. - Bel and her player... Something's on my mind It's been for quite some time This time I'm on to you So where's the

You thought you could hold me down. Making me think I was in the wrong. You thought you would come out on top. Singing that same ol’ not me song. Everything you did and everything you do, Could never compare to what is now. Being your doormat and letting you win, Is one thing I will never allow. You think we are good, but that is not true. The same old situation comes back into view. You hurt me, and killed what we had at the start. And now I am walking away to begin anew. Im tired of playing the ying to your yang. Im tired of following in a shadow too dark. Im walking away before it’s too late. Im ready to start making my own giant mark. - Hold Me Down – Player… Belize sat at Fook’s and carefully blew the steam off her tea. She had acquired the tea from a traveling companion. The pretty brunette had a wide range of specially blended teas from all over the ‘verse. When Bel had heard this, she had simply bought a stash and had Sobi make sure to put it aside just for her. The smell of ja

I can remember the very first time I cried How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside All of my memories - good and bad - that's past Didn't even take the time to realize Starin' at the cracks in the walls Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end Still I curl up right under the bed Cuz its takin' over my head all over again Do you even know who you are? I guess I'm tryin' to find A borrowed dream or a superstar? I want to be a star Is life good to you or is it bad? I can't tell anymore Do you even know what you have? Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight How the birds will sing as I count the rings around my eyes Constantly pushing the world I know aside I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try - Lonely Girl – Pink Belize sat on the pillow and gazed at the sleeping baby curled up in her arms. She tenderly curled her fingers through his dark hair and brushed her knuckles along his soft skin. She takes in little Jonas’ innoc

I’m running fast but getting nowhere I see the light but I never get there I hope I wake when the morning gets here your love is like a nightmare feed me lies and cover with a smile of grace promise me the truth and I’ll be saved take away the pain and make my heart be brave comfort me forever, I’m your slave I know there will be a price to pay I’ll feel the guilt tomorrow but I’m numb today I’m dreaming. - Nightmare – Black Rain The smell of stale cigar and whiskey was overpowering, she could feel fingers dig into her skin and the hot, offensive breath fan across her face. She wrestled with the large man, kicking, biting and screaming. Finally escaping him and running down a long hallway, each side with endless doors that went on forever. She opened the first one and saw Seana and Sabrina; dancing together and embraced in a lover’s hug. She yelled at them, screaming for help. But they didn’t even look up. She ran to the next door and flung it open, standing and watching as Aurorablue

If I arrive on your doorstep Could you hold in the tears? You let them go like falling stars And passing through the years You have to lose to really win We both found out way too late I'm running like I have no home And all I can do now is sin - Secondhand Girl – Shocking Pink Belize looked down at the body with a look of unemotional quandary. Her eyes taking in the partial nakedness of the overweight, slovenly man who just minutes before had Bel pinned to the bed in her ship and tried to rape her. The man who traded sex for much needed supplies. Now, he was grey with green foam trickling out of his mouth, his pants wrapped around his ankle and his brown eyes staring out into nothing as he descended into his own personal hell. She felt the urge to kick him as she buttoned up her shirt, each button taking an eternity as she debated what to do. She thought about what had happened before, her hand instinctively lifting to graze her fingers along her now swollen cheek and bloody lip.

Maybe if my heart stops beating It won't hurt this much And never will I have to answer Again to anyone Please don't get me wrong because... I'll never let this go But I can't find the words to tell you I don't want to be alone But now I feel like I don't know you One day you'll get sick of Saying that everything's all right And by then I'm sure I'll be Pretending just like I am tonight - Never Let This Go – Paramore Bel stood at the spot she told Xaviar she would be meeting him at, excitement bubbling in her like a teapot ready to explode. She missed her cousin so much. She couldn’t wait to see him again. She looked up as she heard the engine of a large ship and she smiled, covering her eyes from the sun while it slowly descended. It seemed like eons, but when the ship finally landed, Bel got on the scooter that Nina gave her and headed over to meet her adopted family. First one out of the hull was Bridgette. She had cut her hair and the short b

I'm a nightmare, a disaster That's what they always said I'm a lost cause, not a hero But I'll make it on my own I've got to prove them wrong They'll never bring us down We'll never fall in line I'll make it on my own Me against the world - Me Against The World – Simple Plan Belize stared up at the ceiling in her new little apartment on Hale’s, the tshirt and shorts almost not enough for the cool nights of the rock. She knew it was morning the way the sun peeked out from behind the thick curtains. She finally wrestled herself out of bed and wiped herself down before she got dressed in the leather pants and black and blue checkered vest. After wrestling with her boots, she laid back on the couch and relaxed while she stared at the front door. In here, she was safe. No heart breaking decisions. No contact with despair or depression. And no contact with sorrow and sadness. She debated with herself for what seemed like hours, but her cortex beeped and alas,

She's not the kind of girl Who likes to tell the world About the way she feels about herself She takes a little time in making up her mind She doesn't want to fight against the tide And lately I'm not the only one I say never trust anyone She knows the human heart And how to read the stars Now everything's about to fall apart I won't be the one who's going to let you down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around I won't be the one who's going to let you down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around - The Trick Is To Keep Breathing – Garbage 3 Months Ago The ringing in her ears couldn’t drown out the echoing of gunfire that surrounded her like a death shroud. She closed her eyes and wiped the blood off her cheek with the back of her hand as she quietly named all the bones in the body. Phalanges, Metatarsals, Tarsals, Fibula, Tibia… She could feel her breathing calm down slowly with each tick off the mental skeleton in her head, her e

What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly? I'm taking these chances and getting away And though I'm trying my hardest you back to her And I think that I know things may never change I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say I make you feel a way you've never felt before And I'm all you need and that you never want more Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue But you'd save the best for last Like I'm the one for you - Best for Last – Adele She stared at the piece of paper. The words swimming around in a spiral of coherent and incoherent. She wasn’t crying. She had shed enough tears to fill an ocean. She was sore from head to toe with pain wracked sobs that filled her body. She had stopped crying and started living only just recently. And now this… Walter and Sarah stared at her as she accessed the information. Worried eyes scanning over her features, looking for a crack in her demeanor. But she stood there. Unmoving as she st