Survival In The Black

I sat down at the bar at Fook’s, cracking open the ol’ book on the circulatory system. I have been coming to Fook’s mostly for the Green River water. Seems I went and gotten myself addicted to it. I hadn’t gotten far when I heard someone behind me. Immi… She asked for water, so I got her a glass of water. She said no… she needed more and headed to the hydrogarden. I followed her, tossing the water aside before chasing her. She was there, filling up a container with the hose and I asked her what she was doing. Going to the Wastes. And the way she was talking, she wasn’t gonna come back. Not allowed. I tried to talk her into taking me. She refused. The radiation would hurt me especially so soon after the surgery. She was hurt… angry… she was in love with Duncan as well. She loved both Td and Duncan and she was so torn and crazed with guilt that she wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t want to do it. I had to. I gave her a sedative. Just walked up behind her and injected her. I kne

I got dressed, finding a stocking cap that was given to me heavens knows when. I pulled it over my bald head and slipped my glasses on before pulling on a sweater, jeans and sneakers. I found a transport to Hale’s and took it. When I arrived I found Immi and a bunch of others in a meeting over by a launch pad. So I wandered over. Seems a Mr. Podwrangler Zapedzki was arranging for a group of folk to help him destroy a fleet of Alliance ships that have been shooting innocent transports out of the sky. Half the group left, mumbling something about it being too dangerous. The rest of us stayed. Immi saw me, and she looked angry enough. But it was also tinged with worry. I smiled weakly at her, knowing that she could yell at me all she wants. The only ones left to do the job was Duncan, Pod, Immi, Amyla and I. I couldn’t handle a gun, but I was a medic. I volunteered and I think Immi got more irate at me for that fact.   The plan was to take over a destroyer and blow the ships out of t

The lights were bright against my eyes as I opened them up. They stung against the glare and they felt heavy and hollow. That feeling you get when you are in a deep sleep for far too long. I felt a dull ache in my head. Not the sharp pains of migraines that have afflicted me for the past month. A dull and almost acceptable ache that told me that I was alive. I could hear voices. Dull and mumbled voices that I could swear say my name. And the press of a hand against mine. Actually, two hands… on both my hands. Someone was on either side of me. I blinked against the light and I mumbled something. Must have been something about that light because it went away and I could see faces. My eyes focused and I turned to my left to see the worried and white expression of my cousin. “Baio-mei… Talk to me.” His whispers where husky from worry and I could tell he barely slept from the circles under his eyes. “You look like go-se, Baio-ge.” I muttered and he laughed, squeezing my hand and kissi

The ball was the most beautiful affair. Everyone was done up in such fine dresses. The dress Bridge got me seemed to pale in comparison. But it was wonderful to watch all my friends and family dance and celebrate the night. Td and I danced a bit. And then he moved on to other untaken ladies in the room. I sat and watched and drank a martini or two and then some Green River water. Xav contacted me via cortex and said it was time. I went out and told him just one more hour. He smiled a knowing smile and patted my cheek. “Baio-mei. Take as long as you need tonight. Just let me know when to come get you. Mind if I crash at your little pad while you have your fun?” Besides my father, he has been the only other male I loved so much I knew I would die if he left. Boyfriends come and go, family is forever. I went back and watched the pretty people dance, knowing that they were happy and content at that moment. I watched Immi dance and Td dance and for the first time in a very long time

I stared at him in shock, awe, admiration, surprise and a touch of fear. I had never seen Xav so mad ever… I couldn’t believe he was angrier at me refusing to go to the ball than he was me getting shot up! “What the gorram hell are you trying to pull, Belize Mae?” He used my full name. Well, without the last name. But close enough. I winced at the thought of him being angry. I loved him and didn’t want him disappointed at me. I glanced at Bridge, looking for any kind of sympathy. She shook her hand and signed “You got yourself into this, you get yourself out.” She promptly walked out of the room. Great… Bridge abandoned me. I knew I shouldn’t have told Xav the story. Luckily I left out the gun to my head part. When I told Xav I wasn’t going to the ball, he blew up... calling me every cussword in the book and all in Mandarin so it sounded lyrical. “There is no way I am operating on you now! Chufei wo si le ! Ni bu dong ma? They love you there. They want you there. And eve

Time is short and sometimes too short to waste on just petty foolish things.  This ball has become both a bane and an event to remember. And neither one is a good thing.  Im sure that whoever thought of it had the best of fun in mind, but all it has done is cause heartache for a few of the patrons.  Im worried about Immi. I tried and tried to keep her happy. I tried and tried to keep her from falling into the routine of bitterness that seems to follow everyone. And I failed.  So there is one last thing to do.  I wont be going to the ball. Instead, I will go to my cousin's ship for the surgery. Before anyone can respond or figure it out. I contacted Logan and planned for an early morning pick up. The surgery should start within the hour thereafter.  One full day... one full day of life. All I have is that day to tell everyone I love that I may not wake up tomorrow. 

Everyday I have been going to treatments. The Golden Dawn at an orbit around Blackburne. Waiting for me and the day it happens. I know Xav asks   me everyday, pleading me to change my mind and to have the treatment now. Before it gets too late. I will wait. I have to wait. For Immi. For Td. I have to make sure things are settled and everyone is cared for before I go. Just in case. Just in case I don’t wake up. Everyday I think about how short my life may be. First months.. then weeks.. now… it could be as much as 3 days. 3 days to settle my life into a happy bow.  Am I asking too much? I suppose I am. Yesterday was… without a doubt, the worse of my life thus far. And that’s saying a lot. Considering how short a time I may have. It’s hard to see people throw away what time they have. The love they have, the words they want to share. Arguing over petty things. Yesterday, I went to Hale’s after having a day of treatment with Xav. I spent the morning getting prodded and scanned and

I couldn’t remember last night. I remember waking up and getting dressed; getting the cortex from Xav and then heading back home after sitting at the bar to get redressed for the bar opening. But after that… nothing. I could of did or said something and I don’t know what?! Then this morning. This morning I woke up in pajamas and the wig Bridgette gave me for fun times lying on the bed beside me. My head hurt like crazy and I couldn’t focus my eyes for the longest time. I felt like going back to sleep. I haven’t done that in awhile. It felt like I didn’t do it last night either. It was like a hundred days of not sleeping just… crashed onto me in one fell swoop.   If it wasn’t for Xav waving me on the cortex, I would of never got out of bed. I knew what that meant. Appointment time… and I was nervous as hell to go. I waited for my ride, Logan behind the wheel of the transport, and we headed off to the Golden Sun. I stripped down to my skivvies and lay down on the table, glad that Br

Its a marvelous day! I heard things today that made me giggle. The horses are fun to talk to, they dont look at me like Im sad or anything. They like to eat the hay and shake themselves alot. They smell though.  I found Jayne and she had no pants! I told Nack because Jayne looked cold. He said she had a cute butt. I never noticed. But she's pretty.. I liked giving her muffins. I dont cook muffins anymore. I cant remember how to. That makes me sad.  The music at Firefly's was happy and I danced alot. It was fun spinning all the chairs and watching them go around and around..  My head is hurting again. I think I need to take more of those white candies. They dont work much.. but it helps me think better. 

Its getting worse. The migraine making my sight blur and my body ache. I sleep. But not because I have to. Just from the sheer exhaustion of making it through the day. I would rather get shot than live another day with this. Xav cant come back too soon.  He's not far. Another day's travel. He seems excited with the new machinary. Docs and their toys. I am sure that if I was there, I would be just as excited.  I have to wear sunglasses all the time. Not for embarassment of my eyes.. but because lights just hurt me. I am taking so much medication, I have to watch myself that I dont overdo it. Everything just lessens the pain.. Never numbing it. Always there underlying along the surface.  I will be glad when I find out why I am in pain. Even my moods have been changing and I can feel it. Before.. it was so welcomed. Not feeling anything. Then... it scares me. And I know it scares my family. Scares the people I love. They dont show it. But I can tell.  Colors swirl around them. Som

Recently, I have found out that someone I would rather not read my character blog has been doing just that. And since I know now, I feel uninspired to write in the Livejournal blog I started with Belize. So, since I already had a gmail account under her name, I decided to do the blog.  Granted, I am doing this at 2am after much thought. So my brainpower isnt exactly 100%. No witty remarks or anything.  Hopefully tomorrow, after I let others know, it will be more expressive.  Sorry for the inconvenience of the move. But I am sure you all agree this may be the best move for me.  I will minimally post on the LJ one. Not juicy news. Just little news to keep him from bugging me about it.  Thanks! Bel's Player.