It all started with a Lie...

 The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character. 

-Albert Schweitzer

The minute my life with Firefly ended I was lost. Lost to drift in the space of this second life without an anchor to root me in place. I didn't know where to go, where to start, HOW to start. I had friends who left that life to other avenues and when I asked them to help, they jumped up without a second thought. And I will forever be grateful for them. But the damage was done. My ability to trust was marred. But not broken. Not lost forever. They created a family that to this day I still consider family. Even though its strained and a little weaker than before. But like they say, every Beginning comes from every Beginning's end. And I just couldnt erase what the past did to me. So I trooped on. Found people I could "trust". But even that ended in disaster. 

Even though I found a sisterhood in her and she introduced me to Rockstar, i gravitated to this new brother / nephew .He did everything right. Which I realized was all a play. He read me like a book. Saw all my insecurities, my weaknesses, my traumas and played them like a fiddle like a virtuoso. He fed my insecurities like I as a starving man at a buffet and lied like the most experienced narcissist on the planet. I became addicted to his sweet words of adoration and pseudo confidence building words. Soaking it in like a thirsty plant. I needed this, I craved this, i wanted this. 

But in turn he was creating a bomb in me. Someone who could use their angry words to kill a friendship, a sisterhood. And it worked. All the while he was conspiring behind my back to rid me from their and their family's existence. Feeding me words of love and affection with one hand while creating chaos towards me with the other. 

When the truth came out. The word devastated did not even come close to how I felt. It took a while and lots of talk and mediation but the sisterhood survived. And a lesson was learned. Never give your heart or affection as easily as before. Micro analyze every word coming from every mouth. Dont trust anyone who is too nice to me. Be paranoid and be on alert. It was a good code to live by. And it worked. Even when I got close to people and they hurt me beyond repair. It never hurt me enough to cause me mental stress. It was like.. "Oh, that happened again. Okay. Move on." 

The list of names is not long because I dont trust easily anymore. And when I do, its with a careful precision of  Im always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is totally unhealthy but eventually they do drop... 

Rockstar, Ninja, Britain, Rauca, Pensy, Dakota. Each one was special to me to the point of being family. They were my brothers and sisters. and they killed a trust in me that they will never earn again. 

And for the past 8 years I have lived on the outskirts of friendships, watching from the sidelines wrapped in my insecurities and loneliness that kept people away from me which I liked and embraced. 

When I was introduced to the club. I was sure this would end in disaster again. The drama and feuds was nothing to me. I stayed apart from it and just went on my own business. Just existing and doing what was needed of me. "That Tracks" was my catchphrase. "This person did that and was horrible?" That tracks. "One person did that to someone else and now there is a war?" That tracks. 

Im not hard to figure out. Im not one to maliciously create chaos to sit back and watch the world burn. I just so happen to be that person that watches it burn because there is no where else to be because Im in the center of it. 

I have no ulterior motives and Im never out to hurt those that are in my circle.  This isnt my way of whipping out a Get Out of Consequences card. I am who I am. And those who understand that of me and still remain at my side have a special place in my heart. I try to navigate this world without stepping on toes and when I eventually do its not in malice. 

Im not strong. Not in the least. Im plyable. Im bendable. But I am strong in my weakness. I am willing to learn from the mistakes of my past. Im willing to admit when I am wrong or at fault. 

I was born Belize Carver. The Medic from Dover who patched up those in the "verse and in turn became a Motorcycle Mama who felt at ease with a Harley between her thighs. Who wears her colors with pride and embraced a sexuality she didnt know existed. Who became family with demons and vampires and lycans. Who craves the RP of a world filled with magic and impossibilities because who doesnt need impossibilities in their world?