Survival In The Black

  The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character.  -Albert Schweitzer The minute my life with Firefly ended I was lost. Lost to drift in the space of this second life without an anchor to root me in place. I didn't know where to go, where to start, HOW to start. I had friends who left that life to other avenues and when I asked them to help, they jumped up without a second thought. And I will forever be grateful for them. But the damage was done. My ability to trust was marred. But not broken. Not lost forever. They created a family that to this day I still consider family. Even though its strained and a little weaker than before. But like they say, every Beginning comes from every Beginning's end. And I just couldnt erase what the past did to me. So I trooped on. Fou...

 A former life of space and cowboys, reavers and companions. A former life that ended in pain for the player and a sense of distrust in others. Drifting through existence like a leaf on the wind. That life is over. And the past posts is like a former life, a past life that formed my world today.  Feel free to read the past posts but for now on, its all about Beladonna Kintsugi. Glued together by gold.  ~The Player

 Has it really been 13 years since I last updated this blog? Damn! Time flies while life goes on. I actually forgot I started this blog while I was a Firefly role player and I spent the evening reading my posts. Damn, I was impressed. I was actually pretty good. Not write my own book and sell it good but good for short stories maybe.  So much of my life has passed by. My nephew, the love of my life, came out as trans at 13. My whole life has been in support of him and his dreams whatever they are. He graduated this year which made me sob but in a good way. He's a smart kid with his whole life ahead of him. My brother's kids are smart cookies as well, I love them all so damned much. My father passed in 2018 from lung cancer and the effects of agent orange. Our relationship was never truly mended. I still think of him and in a way miss him. I had some health issues last year but Im feeling better now. Lost weight and am more active.  I dont know what I am going to do with t...

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy. Dear Diary, Life is a wondrous and crazy thing isn't it? Just when you were at your lowest and you thought it couldn't get any better, it does. It surprises the hell out of you and decides to make a big fat liar out of your beliefs. Its been wonderful for me lately. I opened a shop on a new world. Business has been good. I stopped practicing medicine. I have met someone amazing who makes my heart skip a beat every time he looks at me. And I have the bestest friends anyone could ever have. I have learned to trust again. And I have made a great life for myself. Sure, I miss my old friends. But it comes down to what is right for me. I am far away from Reavers... in fact, I havnt seen or heard reavers since I came here. Im happy. Bel

Out of the black, a familiar face appears. A lot more scars from battles, and being wrestled to the ground by the Fates and various other dieties that seem to want something to do with her. Yet her spirit and soul are intact. Odd that with as much that as happened to her they seem to be the only things unscarred. The life she now leads brings her a joy she couldnt fathom. A brother who sees her whenever she feels the most invisible. Singing the song about sunshine and gray skies. Always laughing at her lame jokes and never once making her feel less important than anyone else. He said she needed an ego. An ego as big as the verse. Seems she didnt have much of one. And that made him sad. And she would do anything for her Rockstar. So an ego she got. Shiny and new and even though its new born, she can feel it getting stronger with each day. And she gained a sister, so dear and amazing. She lights up the room. Her Rockstar and her making her Sissy laugh, every day better than the last. Al...

It's time to forget about the past To wash away what happened last Hide behind an empty face Don't ask too much the same 'Cause this is just a game - Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds To Mars Bel shut off the cortex, feeling better after talking to Sea and Sabrina. She sat back in her chair and looked out the window at the busy world outside and she contemplated everything that led up to this moment. Everything from the moment of her father’s death to the minute she left Hale’s Moon. Every second moving in her head like a movie on flash forward. The emotions she was expecting to feel never came and she smiled, knowing that she was finally content and happy where she was. She had gotten a cortex letter from Xaviar the night before. Bridgette and himself finally tied the knot and not only that, they found out Bridge was four months pregnant. The Captain and the crew of the Golden Dawn were finally coming into their own. Making a legit business deal with a few traders on some moons ...

It's time to forget about the past To wash away what happened last Hide behind an empty face Don't ask too much the same 'Cause this is just a game - Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds To Mars Bel shut off the cortex, feeling better after talking to Sea and Sabrina. She sat back in her chair and looked out the window at the busy world outside and she contemplated everything that led up to this moment. Everything from the moment of her father’s death to the minute she left Hale’s Moon. Every second moving in her head like a movie on flash forward. The emotions she was expecting to feel never came and she smiled, knowing that she was finally content and happy where she was. She had gotten a cortex letter from Xaviar the night before. Bridgette and himself finally tied the knot and not only that, they found out Bridge was four months pregnant. The Captain and the crew of the Golden Dawn were finally coming into their own. Making a legit business deal with a few traders on some moons ...

“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.” - T.E. LAWRENCE Bel tightened the sash of her jacket after she stepped out of the truck, her eyes moving around before settling on a man sitting alone on a bench. He fit the description. Black hair, scary looking, dressed in black. She took a deep breath and glanced at Walter, he nodded and stayed at the car while she walked over, her boots stomping lightly in the puddles of the street before she finally turned and sat down on the bench next to the man. A few minutes went by before she spoke, her head turned to watch him out of the corner of her eye. “Mr. Miraconi?” “Miss Belize Carver. Daughter of Jonas and Geneva Carver. At last we meet.” His voice was soft and silky and it made Bel’s muscles tense and ache as she sat there, wondering...

If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder without any such gift from the fairies, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in. - Rachel Carson Bel sat on the balcony and watched the comings and goings of the street below, the cup of tea cooling in front of her as well as the singular muffin on a plate. The sights and sounds so familiar as she remembers not too long ago she was in this same spot, watching the world go by. She was even wearing the same robe that Grei had given her, the kimono style silk robe colorful in its pattern. The only difference was the small child cradled in her arms. Jonas nestled his little nose against her shoulder and huffed his cute little baby breaths while Bel watched the world rotate around them. She thought about everything that was going on, how she had contacted the man who was seeking her. This Alexander Miraconi. Bel cradled Jonas to her...

I walk through life with my conscience clear. I have done no wrong that deserves conviction. Yet here I stand, convicted on heresy, my life in your hands and in your own tainted conscience. And at night, when I sleep peacefully, without regret, I will not think of you. But of those souls who have lifted me up, instead of destroying what friendship there could have been. ~ Elizabeth Monroe Bel stepped off the ship, a man from the ship carrying hers and Taia’s bag while Bel snuggled the sleeping Jonas across her chest. Taia followed behind and looked around in wonder at all the lights and sounds and sights that awaited her at the night strewn Persephone. It was all old news to Bel, having stayed quite awhile on the planet while she took care of business. As Taia looked around at the new sights and sounds, Bel’s gaze was looking on the stretch car and driver sitting not far from her. His cap under his arm while he watched the people file off the large passenger ship, The Lincoln. She inwa...

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson Bel looked at the cortex message and hummed while she read over the words. She frowned slightly before shrugging her shoulders and shutting down the machine. She tossed it onto the bed and continued to pack her bag. Seems about right. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Just wish he would have had the guts to tell me to my face. All fine and dandy with an armada behind him. But scared to face a woman. BUN tyen-shung duh ee-DWAY-RO. She took a deep breath as she turned to look at Taia and Jonas, the two looking out th...

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick *Ten Years Ago on Blackburne* Bel kneeled down, the weight of the backpack shifting to the side a bit while she leaned in between two rocks to grab at a shiny green plant. The leaves were tipped in purple and she knew that if she ground it down in her mortar it would make a great pain reliever. She grumbled when her hair fell in front of her face and she swore that she was going to get Nina to cut it. Why she didn’t cut the waist long fiery locks before was beyond her. She clasped the plant and tugged, ripping it from its home with a triumphant sound of glee before standing up and looking at her prize. Enough to make enough pain reliever for half the village her Sayasi was in. Perfect. She put the plant in her hip bag and tilted her head up to let the warm sun beat down on her face and body, the sharp smell of desert air filling her lungs. She could smell ...

Go your way to the land of the Ancestors, where they wait for you with open arms, there on the edge between this world and the next. See; there they stand. Ancestral spirits, welcome this one to the place where we all must go. - Ceisiwr Serith Bel stepped out of the hut and took a deep breath, her red hair braided close to her head and the long blue tunic brushing against her knees as she stepped into the sunshine. She blinked a bit but did not cover her eyes as she moved over to the small circle of people surrounding the fire. She turned and nodded to the elder, Grandfather, her eyes closing as she folded her hands and bowed. “Asche.” She spoke softly before turning to his wife, the woman dressed like her, a large gold necklace draped around her shoulders to show her status in the tribe. “Asche che.” She bowed to her before turning to the new head of the fighters. A young man who’s eyes looked older than his years. She smiled at him and nodded before bowing towards him. “Gaunte.” She ...

Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations. - Winston Churchill Bel stood in Sea’s office, her arms crossed as she looked at her sister. She was sitting behind the desk, reading over something on the cortex. Her usual zen calm even calming the usually fiery medic. She had called Bel up there on a professional capacity and since it rarely if ever happened, Bel was curious to know what happened. Maybe they know about Miley… maybe someone was looking for him? She had told Sea everything about the man and Sea had promised to let her know if word got ba...

A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows. Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last. To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die. You hope you've found that special rose ‘Cause you love and care for the one you chose. - Rob Cella Bel busied herself with the flowers, turning them this way then that as she talked to herself about the list flashing in her head... Cake? Check. Champagne? Check. Flowers? She leaned back and then turned the red roses again before smiling in satisfaction. Check. She looked around Fook’s and sighed a huge sigh of relief. She used her money mostly on others. The tribe, Blackburne, Hale’s Moon, her new adopted family. And this time she was using it on Seana and Sabrina. Was it really almost a month since she witnessed them marry on Ariel? It seemed like yesterday standing there in the blue dress and watching as the two of the most important people in her lives declared their...

A family is not just blood and bones. A family is the people that never betray you, share your laughs, your tears and your achievements and your downfalls with open arms. They embrace your quirks, accepting they make you so individual you are unique in the universe. But most of all, they are the people that give you hope on a daily basis that you will have that moment. That moment to shine and prove to the world that you are indeed worth every moment and every instance of love, hope and happiness. Your family is who you embrace into it, and if you are lucky enough, your family will be there for the end of times. - The Voice Bel wrapped her arms around him, burying her face against his neck as she took calm breaths. Her eyes squeezed shut while she tried to top her racing heart. She didn’t want to let go, and she knew he didn’t want to either with the way his arms tightened around her while he pressed his face into her hair. After her tears subsided, she reached up and caressed over his...

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is...

You could never know what it's like Your blood like winter freezes just like ice And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use And did you think this fool could never win Well look at me, I'm coming back again I got a taste of love in a simple way And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind - Im Still Standing – Elton John Bel curled her leg around his as he wrapped his arms around her. Naked, sweaty bodies pressed against each other. Hearts just now returning to their normal beat while their breathing softened to contented sighs. Her nails trail along his chest, curling over pecs and down his stomach while she brushed her cheek against his shoulder. She co...

“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.” -Blaine Lee “How long will you be gone?” Taia bounced Jonas on her thigh gently, the child giggling and grabbing at her long hair while he chewed on his hand. She looked at Bel curiously, the tribe clothes gone, replaced with a long skirt, a tank top and sandals. In the short time Taia started living on Hale’s, she had assimilated quite nicely. Her eyes still held the sadness of a lost mate. And at night, Bel could hear the soft sobbing of grief coming from the room downstairs. “I don’t know, Sayasi. It will take awhile to get there. Then there is the short medical training, Sea and Sabrina’s wedding. A few days, maybe a week.” She ...

“I'm a believer in that, ... I am a great believer in found families and I'm not a great believer in blood. Although I love my family, even the ones I grew up with, to me I've always felt that the people who treated you with respect and included you in their lives were your family and the people who were related to you by blood might happen to be those people but that correlation was a lot less [strong] than society believes it is.” -Joss Whedon “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WONT TREAT ME!?” The Browncoat soldier bellowed at Bel as she casually typed into her cortex, her eyes glancing from screen to soldier to screen again. “What are you? One of those purple belly supporters? I was told you would help!” He gripped his arm and grimaced as the blood soaked through the cloth wrapped around it. It was a simple knife wound. Nothing major. The only thing making it bleed was the fact he was bellowing and gripping the arm as if it was going to fall off. Bel recognized him. Knew what ship ...