Survival In The Black

“Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born a hundred million years and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. There was a peace, a serenity, an absence of all sense of responsibility, an absence of worry, an absence of care, grief, perplexity; and the presence of a deep content and unbroken satisfaction in that hundred million years of holiday which I look back upon with a tender longing and with a grateful desire to resume, when the opportunity comes.” -Mark Twain She sat in her apartment and looked up at the ceiling, frowning some while she thought about the days past. Her feet were propped up on the coffee table and there was a glass of wine in her hand. She had forgiven Immi and Duncan. She actually felt at peace. An almost perfected serenity washed over her while she sipped the wine, thinking of the past days, and wondering what it all meant to her....

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that w...

It was all a dream. A dream that I knew was going to end soon. I knew that from the beginning. But I let myself fall too deep. Fall too far. Sometimes dreams are just that… dreams. And dreams are meant to be waken up from. I find myself in a predicament. Wondering what to do while I watch from a distance, the happy shiny couples. The dancing and twirling of men and women who look deep into each other’s eyes. The love and affection. The future they share in a knowing glance. I know I will never see those lights in a man’s eyes or feel the stroke of his fingers along my cheek. I could go be a companion. But I am not made to take orders. So… the choice is mine. I already left Blackburne and Hale’s once. Can I truly leave my homes again? Never to see Immi or Lily or Seana and Sabrina again? I did run. For awhile. To my place in Serenity. The beautiful country Duncan showed me with the clear waters and green grass. I sent a cortex to my cousin.,, telling him that I may need Plumb to come pi...

I had to be dreaming. This had to be a dream. How could this be real? How… could any of this be real? All I could feel was Duncan’s arms wrapped around me, his lips pressing against mine. I clung to his shirt, feeling the soft and worn cotton against my hands and the scent of him filling my senses. My brain was all muffled and I couldn’t think. All I could think about was how he tasted and felt against me. I spent so much time setting myself to failure in relationships, I finally just succumbed to the idea that I was never going to be in one again. In essence, I was just looking for a warm body. Someone to hold and hug and be with to chase the loneliness away. I never expected this. Spending so much time with him. I felt a tug. A tug towards him. We made a deal. Whenever we felt lonely, we would be with each other. Nothing sexual. Just talk and company. But it grew for me. I didn’t know about him. His feelings for Immi were so powerful. And I felt I could never compete with that. So I ...

She was crying as she lay down on the ground, her hand rubbing along the weather beaten stone that marked where her mother was buried. The etched words were dull with wear; the only lettering she could make out was Mama… She curled up in a ball as she spoke, fingers absently tracing the lettering while relayed to her mother the events of the past few months. She told her about Xaviar, how he basically saved her life and how she saved his. How she would be proud of him. And how she understood why she never told her about the family on Persephone. “I don’t know what to do, Mama. Im so confused as to where I should go. I love Immi with my heart and soul. Would kill and die for her as a sister should. But I don’t want to break her heart like this. I don’t want to follow my heart because it may break another’s that I care so much.” She closed her eyes and thought about the subject of her desires and recent dreams. How his eyes were dark with sadness, yet he smiled at her antics. How Duncan ...

What do you do when the person you talk to the most, is the one person you cant talk to at all? I am at such a loss. Immi has been gone. Gone to a coreworld for some gorram reason. Left me behind. Could of took backup. Td or even me. But no… lately she has been all about taking care of herself. Putting all the weight on her shoulders and hoping the weight will lighten as time goes by. Sometimes I get so angry at her and yet I want to take every bullet that is ever shot at her at the same time. I miss her like crazy right now. I wonder what she is doing. If she is okay. I get this… feeling something isn’t right. Something just doesn’t feel right. Td has been off on one of his little runs and I have been bouncing between Hale’s and Blackburne, taking care of medical business. My mind keeps trailing back to Immi… then the key tucked in my pocket at all times. The house my family lived in… my mama… my grandparents. Xaviar. Gods I miss him. I send him a cortex everyday. Asking how h...