Off To Find My Soul Again

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

- Virginia Satir

The world is an ugly place. Fully of ugly feelings and ugly people who do ugly things.

I am one of them.

I thought I could play God and control my feelings. Control them with a serum that could make me feel indifferent to love. Today’s test was an utter failure.

When I crashed, I crashed hard. And in the process I hurt some people I cared about. I could only talk of my own feelings. Of my own actions. How I let myself jump to a height that I could barely think straight.

I left before. And now I leave again. I hurt Duncan and Immi to such a extent that I could never face them. Not until I was ready. Not until I could look in the mirror.
Im truly happy for them. I really am. I was stupid to even think I had a chance.

So now I am on a transport to Persephone. The key in my pocket digging a scar into the palm of my hand while I watch the stars fly by. I don’t know what I will find. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. All I know is that I think it’s time I did this instead of putting it off and putting it off.

Maybe for me to learn to love myself, I have to learn about myself.

I just wish my Ge Ge was here.