Everyday I have been going to treatments. The Golden Dawn at an orbit around Blackburne. Waiting for me and the day it happens. I know Xav asks me everyday, pleading me to change my mind and to have the treatment now. Before it gets too late.
I will wait. I have to wait. For Immi. For Td. I have to make sure things are settled and everyone is cared for before I go. Just in case. Just in case I don’t wake up. Everyday I think about how short my life may be. First months.. then weeks.. now… it could be as much as 3 days. 3 days to settle my life into a happy bow.
Am I asking too much?
I suppose I am.
Yesterday was… without a doubt, the worse of my life thus far. And that’s saying a lot. Considering how short a time I may have. It’s hard to see people throw away what time they have. The love they have, the words they want to share. Arguing over petty things.
Yesterday, I went to Hale’s after having a day of treatment with Xav. I spent the morning getting prodded and scanned and poked and had things removed and it was a nightmare. I think I may be a lot more gentler with the patients I have. I spend the morning with Bridge and Maggie, JJ and Logan. Laughing and enjoying ourselves. And all I can think of is how Immi would love them. All of them. And how I wished she was here.
I suppose Td was right. I am in love with her. But with no more a heart as a sister has. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. When I finally told her of what was wrong with me. She insisted on being there for the surgery. I couldn’t say no. And wow, Td threw me over his shoulder and insisted I get it now. It was the most intense pain I had ever felt. My skin felt on fire. I wanted to scream. I almost did. But he let me down and I forced a smile out. I couldn’t let them see how much it hurt… to be touched. Xav said it was because of what is happening to me. A side effect. I have learned to hide it.
After my treatment yesterday, I headed to Hale’s. Logan dropped me off and kissed my cheek, which shocked the hell out of me. He smiled that smile he seems to only reserve for me and took off. I went in and talked a spell with Sabrina and Seana. I am so happy Sabs found someone. At least I can cross her off my list of people I need to make sure is happy. I got myself some Green River water… the stuff is supposed to make people fall in love. I don’t believe it. It’s a myth that needs to be put to rest. Its actually not that bad. Nutty and refreshing. I cant seem to stop drinking it.
I wasn’t there long when we got trouble. Raiders. Gorram it.. I hate raiders.
I patched up who I could. But since I am a bullet magnet, I got a bullet in the thigh. Just as the other one was healing. I was hoping I wasn’t going to be limping to the table. After the ruckus, and the bastards got away with what they wanted, we all sat around the bar licking our wounds and stuff.
Seems a certain Ben Bigboots has been sniffing around Lily, and Immi found out about that. Ben is a bit of a player. And Immi worries about Lily. If Lily wanted to be a woman… why did she let them adopt her? Doesn’t Lily realize that she is hurting the people she loves by defying them in that manner? If she wants to be treated like an adult, act like one. If she wants to be a child… then she will have to accept that they will treat her like one. Sometimes I wonder…
Immi and Lily went into a fight and I couldn’t help but feel bad for Immi. She has had the weight of the world on her shoulders. And everyone keeps adding pebbles of insignificance to the load. She can only take so much before she snaps.
Well, it wasn’t Immi that snapped last night. It was General.
I admired him from afar. Others telling me to ask him to the ball. There were no other offers for him. And I wasn’t sure if my escort whom I asked could attend. I didn’t know if he knew who I was. He never hardly spoke to me. Never hardly even noticed I was there. No one really does. Sometimes I fell I get Immi’s rejects. If it wasn’t for Td, I would think that was the truth. I know it’s not fair. But… there isn’t a guy on Blackburne who isn’t married or taken that doesn’t have eyes for Immi. And it’s killing her slowly knowing that.
I don’t know what set General off. But he was yelling at Immi.. saying he was going to kill Td and that she needed to choose because if she picked Td he was going to kill him and I couldn’t have that. No! Not after what I went through to make sure they were together. Not now.. not when I was so close to death. Not when I saw Immi’s happiness right there within reach. I ran up and screamed at him. No! No one will ruin their happiness!
Then he pointed a gun at me.
Something snapped. My head… it… something snapped and I felt my head burn. I felt it burn and my eyes burn and I felt red hot. Just so very hot.
Then I was calm. Calmer than I have ever been. Telling him that if he so much as harms Immi or Td, he will need to run. And never sleep. Because I would kill him.
And I meant it.
My heart broke. I always pick them, right? I wanted to know General better and he is in love with Immi. And he tries to kill me. I still have the bruise on my forehead of the barrel on my forehead. Xav didn’t see it. Thank the skies. But he suspected that something was wrong.
I told General to pull the trigger. Kill me now… I was dead in a week. And if he didn’t… he will die.
Why oh why do I open my heart to the wrong men?
I pulled the needle with the Bezitaine in it from my holster. I was ready to jump on him… inject him. Kill him. Painfully. Slowly. Incapacitate him. Make him cry and scream and bleed from every orifice of his body. Burning from the inside out. Blood vessels explode with each breath. Until… when he prays to die. He finally does.
But he smacked me. Throwing me across the room. I don’t remember much after that. I was out for awhile. Because when I came to… the syringe was broken on the floor under the bar.. General was gone. Immi was gone. Someone helped me up and I felt my head. A small gash. Nothing serious. Just a bump for now. But that wasn’t the worse of it. Now instead of a black and white image that I have gotten used to in the past few weeks. Everything had a red tinge to it. Like halos. Like Auras.
I found my sunglasses, thankfully not broken… and put them on quickly. But it was too late. I felt it before I even thought it. I felt ice cold. But it was good feeling. Felt... right.
I tried to find Immi. Tried finding her and finding out if she was okay. No one knew where she was. She ran off.
I tried finding her. Everywhere. Of course, I couldn’t find her. So I crashed. Seemed the head injury caused me to get a slight concussion. I hopped a transport to Blackburne and went to the medpav.
Fun is sewing up a head while looking in the mirror. Head wound and leg wound in one day. Xav was going to kill me.
I kept myself awake, checking my pupils and such until the danger was passed and that is when I crashed.
I dreamed of General. I don’t know why. The loathing I felt for him burned in my veins. But the dream was warm and I watched him from afar. Happy… with children.. a woman. It felt bittersweet. And I was looking from the outside in again.
When I woke up, I did the routine again. Heading to Golden Dawn. Getting an earful from not only Xav, but everyone else. Even Logan pulled me aside and told me that he was disappointed in me. But Bridge was the one that I felt worse with. Signing, she told me that I was going to live with the surgery, but I was going to die by just tossing myself in danger like that. I didn’t tell them about the thing with General. But something else happened. My eyes changed again... Red. Crystal red. Crystal Blood red. Oh dear heavens.. not again.
I went back to Hale’s and met with Duncan. After our talk, we were civil enough to engage in some conversation.
Immi returned. I could see how Duncan reacted with her around and I knew that always happens. Immi was the pot of honey to a clan of bears… And it wasn’t her fault. Not one piece is her fault.
I told her that. I told her that it wasn’t her fault that a bunch of grown men think they are in love with her. Think that they love her enough when all they can think with is…
I think I made her smile enough. I told her it was her and me against the world. And she needed to be at my side.
It feels good.
Now… one more detail to handle before I go under. Tomorrow night I will either make a total fool of myself… or hurt the people I love.
I would rather make a total fool of myself.
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