A Matter Of Trust...
I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize
Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try
- Lonely Girl – Pink
Belize sat on the pillow and gazed at the sleeping baby curled up in her arms. She tenderly curled her fingers through his dark hair and brushed her knuckles along his soft skin. She takes in little Jonas’ innocence, soaking it in while she let her thoughts drift. He coos in his sleep and nuzzles in against her breast and she smiles, his lips pursing and moving, nudging at her while his little fists press against her.
“I think little Jonas is hungry.” Bel reluctantly lifts him up to Taia so she can nurse him, the small woman taking him and moving over to a nearby pillow. Draping a blanket over her shoulder, she slips Jonas under and starts to nurse, her eyes moving to Nina who is situated across from Bel. All the women of the tribe are inside while the men guard the area from the dangers of the Wastes. Everyone seems to be looking at Bel, every eye from young to old staring at the red headed medicine woman.
“Jonas is healthy, Taia. Beautiful and weighting just a tad more than what he should, but I think its healthy. When he starts walking, that weight will drop off.” She smiles as she looks around, making sure to not only talk to the mother but all the mothers. It was a tribe. They raised the children together.
Nina laid back on the pillows and watched Bel with narrowed eyes and she spoke, the guttural language of the Wastes that Bel knew so well. “Mahazete…” Leave. At first Bel thought she was talking to her but it was then she realized all the women except for her, Taia and Belize quietly left the tent. When the last one left, Taia looked over at Nina and nodded before Nina continued. “Is he at least dead, Sayasi?” Sister… Nina hadn’t called her that since… Bel blinked and remembered.
“He is. No way to find him.” Bel knew. They were there the last time. With Sarge. Except Sarge never tried to rape her. They knew her. Knew her more than anyone. All those times she disappeared. She came here. To her sayasi. Her sisters. She closed her eyes and told them what happened. Every detail. She felt the shame as she confessed she used her body to get supplies for them and for Hale’s and Blackburne. How she would rather be soiled than see anyone of her adopted family lose out on needed medical supply.
She looked up from her hands and she noticed Nina had moved beside her, hand rubbing along her back. And she realized she was crying, sobbing. She turned and held Nina, crying on her shoulder. At all the loss, the loss of her own innocence. The loss of her own identity. The loss of friends. The loss of trust.
Taia moved over and wrapped her arms around her as well after laying the sleeping Jonas on a pillow, the two girls comforting the crying Bel by just holding her. She cried until all she could do was lay her head on Nina’s shoulder and stare at the door to the hut, her face and eyes red and puffy and her chest hurting. Taia’s and Nina’s hands rub along her back as they sat in silence. After awhile, Taia spoke quietly.
“Mayho sa quio le da soma. Ga ne parlo me sah.”
Bel nodded slowly as she hugged her sisters to her close, taking I the scents and the touches like a person wracked with hunger. “The heart is a mighty muscle. Yet also made of glass.” She whispered, translating the language to herself while she sat with her sisters on the pillows.
“Come back to us, Sayasi. The proper world isn’t for you. Your heart and your soul has been hurt too many times. You have lost yourself. Where is the girl that fought like a warrior?” Nina brushed her hair as she rocked Bel against her.
“I have to find myself, Sayasi. I walked to long in another’s shadow. And now that I find the shadow only causes me pain, I have to walk in the sun.” She hugged her sisters to her while she closes her eyes. “Thank you, my sayasi.”
She had a lot to think about. How someone who loves you would never hurt you. How innocence can come at a cost. And how it can also be taken away at a much larger cost. It was time to find out who she can trust to never hurt her again. And time to walk away from those that lost the trust she treasured so much.
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize
Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try
- Lonely Girl – Pink
Belize sat on the pillow and gazed at the sleeping baby curled up in her arms. She tenderly curled her fingers through his dark hair and brushed her knuckles along his soft skin. She takes in little Jonas’ innocence, soaking it in while she let her thoughts drift. He coos in his sleep and nuzzles in against her breast and she smiles, his lips pursing and moving, nudging at her while his little fists press against her.
“I think little Jonas is hungry.” Bel reluctantly lifts him up to Taia so she can nurse him, the small woman taking him and moving over to a nearby pillow. Draping a blanket over her shoulder, she slips Jonas under and starts to nurse, her eyes moving to Nina who is situated across from Bel. All the women of the tribe are inside while the men guard the area from the dangers of the Wastes. Everyone seems to be looking at Bel, every eye from young to old staring at the red headed medicine woman.
“Jonas is healthy, Taia. Beautiful and weighting just a tad more than what he should, but I think its healthy. When he starts walking, that weight will drop off.” She smiles as she looks around, making sure to not only talk to the mother but all the mothers. It was a tribe. They raised the children together.
Nina laid back on the pillows and watched Bel with narrowed eyes and she spoke, the guttural language of the Wastes that Bel knew so well. “Mahazete…” Leave. At first Bel thought she was talking to her but it was then she realized all the women except for her, Taia and Belize quietly left the tent. When the last one left, Taia looked over at Nina and nodded before Nina continued. “Is he at least dead, Sayasi?” Sister… Nina hadn’t called her that since… Bel blinked and remembered.
“He is. No way to find him.” Bel knew. They were there the last time. With Sarge. Except Sarge never tried to rape her. They knew her. Knew her more than anyone. All those times she disappeared. She came here. To her sayasi. Her sisters. She closed her eyes and told them what happened. Every detail. She felt the shame as she confessed she used her body to get supplies for them and for Hale’s and Blackburne. How she would rather be soiled than see anyone of her adopted family lose out on needed medical supply.
She looked up from her hands and she noticed Nina had moved beside her, hand rubbing along her back. And she realized she was crying, sobbing. She turned and held Nina, crying on her shoulder. At all the loss, the loss of her own innocence. The loss of her own identity. The loss of friends. The loss of trust.
Taia moved over and wrapped her arms around her as well after laying the sleeping Jonas on a pillow, the two girls comforting the crying Bel by just holding her. She cried until all she could do was lay her head on Nina’s shoulder and stare at the door to the hut, her face and eyes red and puffy and her chest hurting. Taia’s and Nina’s hands rub along her back as they sat in silence. After awhile, Taia spoke quietly.
“Mayho sa quio le da soma. Ga ne parlo me sah.”
Bel nodded slowly as she hugged her sisters to her close, taking I the scents and the touches like a person wracked with hunger. “The heart is a mighty muscle. Yet also made of glass.” She whispered, translating the language to herself while she sat with her sisters on the pillows.
“Come back to us, Sayasi. The proper world isn’t for you. Your heart and your soul has been hurt too many times. You have lost yourself. Where is the girl that fought like a warrior?” Nina brushed her hair as she rocked Bel against her.
“I have to find myself, Sayasi. I walked to long in another’s shadow. And now that I find the shadow only causes me pain, I have to walk in the sun.” She hugged her sisters to her while she closes her eyes. “Thank you, my sayasi.”
She had a lot to think about. How someone who loves you would never hurt you. How innocence can come at a cost. And how it can also be taken away at a much larger cost. It was time to find out who she can trust to never hurt her again. And time to walk away from those that lost the trust she treasured so much.
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