Survival In The Black

Walking backwards in my life, Seeing all that is behind me. Not noticing the light, That is ready to accept me. I have broken many vows, I have lost so many truths. My heart feels like a rock, Sitting heavy in my chest. I need to turn around, And face the life that’s for me. I cant help but wonder now, Who’s waiting in the light. She stared down at the table in front of her, arms folded against her and face blank with emotion. She leaned back in the chair, the least ladylike pose she could muster. Internally, she was wondering what she was going to do. She was reciting her rabbit poem in her head over and over again.. Usagi, Usagi.. The wait was killing her. But she didn’t let one ounce of emotion come out. Instead, she focused on her breathing and tried not to let the bright lights get to her. It seemed like eons when the door opened and the straight laced, obviously Alliance officer walked in. He sat down and opened the file, Bel didn’t even move. Didn’t even flinch. She just looked...

How does it feel when you're lost and blind Loneliness is your only guide And how does it feel when you're black inside Numbness calls from your inner eye - Dead Inside – Danzig Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest: The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come. Her father used to quote this beautiful passage by Alexander Pope to Bel over and over again until the girl had it down by heart. Able to recite it at the drop of a hat. She even believed it. She even believed the old Earth That Was fable of Pandora and her magic box. How all of the world’s ills escaped except for hope. Bel thought long and hard about that word. Hope. It has broken her heart more times than she can imagine. She had a hope for the future. She had a hope for love. She had a hope for a family. And she lost all of them. She lost hope for outside influences. All she had left is the hope that her cousin will be back. Hop...

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened But in my dreams, I slew the dragon And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again And you say, just be here now Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin Let me throw one more dice I know that I can win I'm waiting for my real life to begin. -Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay There was too much blood, too much to see through. She fought in vain to find the leak. Her body shaking as she squinted behind her mask and glasses. Bel recited her song, singing in Japanese the song about the rabbit on the moon. She barely noticed the young woman standing across from her, suctioning up the blood from the wound. The heartbeat pinging on the monitor next to her was like a mantra… Live… Live… Live… Live… So when the beeping stopped. And all she could hear was the long whine of a heart not beating, Bel sprung into action. Injecting adrenaline into the still heart before trying d...

“Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born a hundred million years and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. There was a peace, a serenity, an absence of all sense of responsibility, an absence of worry, an absence of care, grief, perplexity; and the presence of a deep content and unbroken satisfaction in that hundred million years of holiday which I look back upon with a tender longing and with a grateful desire to resume, when the opportunity comes.” -Mark Twain She sat in her apartment and looked up at the ceiling, frowning some while she thought about the days past. Her feet were propped up on the coffee table and there was a glass of wine in her hand. She had forgiven Immi and Duncan. She actually felt at peace. An almost perfected serenity washed over her while she sipped the wine, thinking of the past days, and wondering what it all meant to her....

Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die Yesterday I got so old It made me want to cry Go on go on Just walk away Your choice is made Go on go on And disappear Go on go on Away from here And I know I was wrong When I said it was true That it couldn’t be me and be her In between without you Without you - In Between Days by The Cure Belize lifted her face up to the bright sunshine on Persephone, blissfully ignoring the sounds and voices that lifted around her like a fog. It only took a minute for her to shake it off, the sound of Sarah’s voice poking through the hazy introspective like a sharp needle. “You are looking happier, My Bel.” Sarah had taken to calling her My Bel, since the agreement was that she wouldn’t try to convert her into her flock of sheep. In fact, Sarah was quite adamant that it wouldn’t happen at all. She was in the opinion that people make choices and it was respectful to accept them. Bel had changed into a kimono dressing gown that Grei had given her for her ...

Sorrow lasts through this night I'll take this piece of you And hold for all eternity For just one second I felt whole As you flew right through me Left alone with only reflections of the memory To face the ugly girl That's smothering me Sitting closer than my pain - Sorrow by Flyleaf The trip was longer than forever, but shorter than eternity. It felt like eons has passed since she left Hale’s. She knew it was only a 14 hour trip. Too much time to think thoughts she knew she couldn’t think without breaking out the bandana that was tucked into her travel bag. So she spent the time reading. She lovingly cradled the book in her hands. Her father’s gross anatomy book. Older than her, but rebound by her Ge ge, Td. She traced her fingers along the spine before opening it up, reading over the faded notes on the border. Scribbled lines of handwriting she knew too well. Her father’s. She smiled as she started reading. She knew the wo...

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that w...

“Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity. “ – Henri Nouwen With heartbreak comes uncertainty. With uncertainty comes dilemma. And with dilemma comes a touch of madness. I think I reached the madness stage. But it doesn’t seem like madness to me. The concept was there. The idea… all I needed was the ingredients. It all was born in Seana’s ship. I had finished talking to Immi. And I didn’t want to go back to my ship just yet. So I let her know I was coming. I apologized for earlier. And then I broke down. How stupid could I be? I knew what I was getting into. I knew that he didn’t love me. Could never love me. Would never love me. I felt the feelings because I...

It was all a dream. A dream that I knew was going to end soon. I knew that from the beginning. But I let myself fall too deep. Fall too far. Sometimes dreams are just that… dreams. And dreams are meant to be waken up from. I find myself in a predicament. Wondering what to do while I watch from a distance, the happy shiny couples. The dancing and twirling of men and women who look deep into each other’s eyes. The love and affection. The future they share in a knowing glance. I know I will never see those lights in a man’s eyes or feel the stroke of his fingers along my cheek. I could go be a companion. But I am not made to take orders. So… the choice is mine. I already left Blackburne and Hale’s once. Can I truly leave my homes again? Never to see Immi or Lily or Seana and Sabrina again? I did run. For awhile. To my place in Serenity. The beautiful country Duncan showed me with the clear waters and green grass. I sent a cortex to my cousin.,, telling him that I may need Plumb to come pi...

I had to be dreaming. This had to be a dream. How could this be real? How… could any of this be real? All I could feel was Duncan’s arms wrapped around me, his lips pressing against mine. I clung to his shirt, feeling the soft and worn cotton against my hands and the scent of him filling my senses. My brain was all muffled and I couldn’t think. All I could think about was how he tasted and felt against me. I spent so much time setting myself to failure in relationships, I finally just succumbed to the idea that I was never going to be in one again. In essence, I was just looking for a warm body. Someone to hold and hug and be with to chase the loneliness away. I never expected this. Spending so much time with him. I felt a tug. A tug towards him. We made a deal. Whenever we felt lonely, we would be with each other. Nothing sexual. Just talk and company. But it grew for me. I didn’t know about him. His feelings for Immi were so powerful. And I felt I could never compete with that. So I ...

(Past Thoughts) Diversion, she said. Td and I had to cause a diversion. I didn’t know what Seana had up her sleeve or what she thought Td and I could do, but I suppose there was only one only option. One only alternative. Lover’s quarrel. I couldn’t stop my heart from beating hard and fast in my chest. I swore Td could hear it as we stood across the street from where Immi was being held. I held my breath and looked up at Td as he nodded then I exhaled it and stormed off into the street. It was supposed to be fake. Every feeling. But it all came out. Every feeling. I told him everything. Fiercely. Every feeling and every hurt he caused by leaving me. Then going to Immi. I loved them both. But this broke my heart. I felt I could never feel it beat again. But here I was, in the middle of a street, screaming at him. Telling him how I nearly died. And he… just stood there. And then he tried to calm me as I stood there blubbering and screaming in the street. Every fiber in my body was razor ...

She was crying as she lay down on the ground, her hand rubbing along the weather beaten stone that marked where her mother was buried. The etched words were dull with wear; the only lettering she could make out was Mama… She curled up in a ball as she spoke, fingers absently tracing the lettering while relayed to her mother the events of the past few months. She told her about Xaviar, how he basically saved her life and how she saved his. How she would be proud of him. And how she understood why she never told her about the family on Persephone. “I don’t know what to do, Mama. Im so confused as to where I should go. I love Immi with my heart and soul. Would kill and die for her as a sister should. But I don’t want to break her heart like this. I don’t want to follow my heart because it may break another’s that I care so much.” She closed her eyes and thought about the subject of her desires and recent dreams. How his eyes were dark with sadness, yet he smiled at her antics. How Duncan ...

The pain is intense; my heart throbbing in both anger and despair. I look out at the black from my bunk and all I can think about is the past week of events. How everything can flip on a dime and make everything so topsy-turvy that I can’t even look straight. Immi.., held by her father. Being sold to the highest bidder. And all I could think of was Sarge. How he gussied me up at 16 only to sell ME to the highest bidder. How I felt. Distraught and despair and anger and… more than anger. RAGE. Pure and heated Rage. Boiling in my blood RAGE. It would be very satisfying to stick a needle in him and watch his skin melt and his blood boil and the look of pain across his face. Its one thing to have a stranger try to sell you. But your own father!? There is a special level of hell for that kind of person. And I intend to send him there. Lily… Holy Crow. Just when I thought I could get used to her antics. When I could really be comfortable around her ways. Taking that thing off her head was...

I stared in shock at the cortex message Seana showed me. My blood ran cold… and I couldn’t think. I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I paced along the office before I turned and looked at Seana. “I have several million credits as my inheritance that Xaviar gave me. And I have a house on Persephone. It’s all yours to give. Get her back. Get her back now… please.” I dropped down on a chair and started crying. I cried for Immi… for Td… for Duncan and my feelings for him… for every one I cared about.   Dear Goddess of the Stars, I prayed… Please… please help Immi. Keep her safe… keep her sane. Bring her back to us. Please.. please please.. I prayed hard, crying and leaning down in the seat while I tried not to fall apart.. I couldn’t lose her now.. Not when my family was whole again…  Lily barged in. Acting like a spoiled brat. Acting as if the whole world revolved around her. She didn’t care about Immi. I doubt she cared about anyone. I slammed my key onto the desk and look...

What do you do when the person you talk to the most, is the one person you cant talk to at all? I am at such a loss. Immi has been gone. Gone to a coreworld for some gorram reason. Left me behind. Could of took backup. Td or even me. But no… lately she has been all about taking care of herself. Putting all the weight on her shoulders and hoping the weight will lighten as time goes by. Sometimes I get so angry at her and yet I want to take every bullet that is ever shot at her at the same time. I miss her like crazy right now. I wonder what she is doing. If she is okay. I get this… feeling something isn’t right. Something just doesn’t feel right. Td has been off on one of his little runs and I have been bouncing between Hale’s and Blackburne, taking care of medical business. My mind keeps trailing back to Immi… then the key tucked in my pocket at all times. The house my family lived in… my mama… my grandparents. Xaviar. Gods I miss him. I send him a cortex everyday. Asking how h...

I stared in shock and surprise. It felt like someone kicked me in the chest. All the air sucked out of my body the minute I saw Td drop to one knee and ask Immi for her hand in marriage. Doing what he did to me less than a year ago. Asking her what he promised me. Telling her what he told me. But this time it was different. He meant it this time. Don’t get me wrong. I think Td meant it when he proposed to me. But not as heartfelt and deep as what I witness with Immi. There so was much love in his words. Mine was more… a promise that someday when he was ready. I guess he is ready now. But I had no choice. I had to smile and pretend that everything was great and I was happy. But at that moment I felt an incredible loneliness. Just once I wanted someone to talk to, to lean against, to lay my head on their shoulder and feel their warmth against my cheek while we talk the night away. To have strong arms wrap around me and tell me everything will be alright. I watched Td and Immi dan...